I Never and Other Reflections

I'm sitting on my couch relaxing while the baby is asleep and waiting to go pick up my other two from school.  I'm freezing, covered with a blanket, catching up on reading blogs.  I've also been thinking a lot, reflecting on the last year and the saying "never say never".

In the not so distant past I would have said....

I'll never lose close to 100 pounds in 2012.  It's just not possible, too insurmountable, to far from anything I can even comprehend.  I'm a lifetime dieter and the most I've ever lost was 85 pounds, so you see, not going to happen.  But it has and it will.  As of yesterday I am down 97 pounds.  Crazy and still incomprehensible.  All I can say is one moment at a time over the course of a year has become more than I could have ever have imagined.  So here's to all my moments to come!

I'm never cold.  I'm always hot.  I never wear sock, only flip-flops.  Two Christmases ago I was 7 months pregnant and roasting.  Last Christmas I was fatter than I was at 7 months pregnant and still roasting.  Any gathering would lead to flushed cheeks, fanning, and wishing I'd worn a short sleeved shirt.  This year I sit here in my fuzzy socks, jeans, shirt and sweatshirt, covered with a fleece blanket and still freezing.  Proof that fat is a great insulator.  Too bad I didn't live in the arctic.

I'm grateful today for many, MANY things.  Better health (even in the midst of the crud I currently have), my family and friends, this my 100th post, support, love, silliness, the sunshine and clouds (but truly it needs to snow...my patience is waning), the good and the bad, EVERYTHING!

I pray for another great year, day, moment.....

I Don't Want To Forget

I was lying in bed the other night and it just hit me like a ton of bricks, I don't want to forget being fat.  It is something that I want to leave behind for good and never look back, but I DO.NOT.WANT.TO.EVER.FORGET!  I'm worried I will.

You see when I think about anything from the past all I really remember are the good times.  Sure I can tell you stories of bad or painful things, for example having my last two kids turned while still in my stomach.  I know it hurt, I was there, but it is not something I think about or even really remember the exact feelings of.  I also know that when my husband and I were divorced I was sad and lonely, but I never think about it or remember specific feelings.  I just remember other things, usually the ones that make me smile. Things like how my oldest daughter use to say the word tiger or my son said French fry, I can actually still hear it in my head.

When I think about my life I KNOW beyond a shadow of a doubt that I have been truly blessed.  I've been through things that have made me cry, scream, and even crawl under the table...but that's not what I remember.  If I'm mad today, chances are a good nights sleep is all I need for it to be over.  I'm not sure I can even tell you what a grudge is, other than what the dictionary tells me.

As I've unpacked boxes of smaller clothes and sorted through them I've been hit with feelings of overwhelming happiness.  Not entirely due to the fact that they're smaller and fit, but from the memories they evoke from when I wore them last.  I can see the past smiling back at me reminding me how lovely it was.  I can even FEEL physical reactions within.  Somewhere deep in my mind something says, you know it wasn't all rosy, but I'll be damned if I can remember.

I guess what I want to know is if this is normal?  Am I alone here or possibly just in denial?  Or have I just been blessed with a very special gift, to be able to let go.

This is something I am thankful for, but it scares me when it comes to my weight loss.  I'm scared that I'll get to where I want to go and because I won't remember, the weight will come back.  I feel like I'm already starting to forget sometimes.  I don't want to forget being uncomfortable, unable to fit in chairs, unhappy with my physical self.  I don't want forget feeling hopeless when shopping because I was unable to buy bigger clothes, I already wore the largest size they sold. I want to remember weighing 369 pounds, because I don't ever want to be there or even here again.

My first major weight loss goal was to lose 100 pounds. As I near this mark (less than 9 lbs to go) I find myself thinking a lot about what my next move is going to be.  I don't know if its just the season, but I feel a little bit lax in my efforts lately.  The scale is still moving in the right direction, (I updated my ticker total at the bottom since I'm too lazy to see where I was when I last weighed-in) so I am not being too hard on myself.  However, I'm ready to charge ahead and my next move is bouncing around somewhere in this head of mine.

Help Me I'm Melting and Other Randomness

Yesterday I walked around with this feeling that could only be explained as melting.  Not as in "the weight is just melting off", more accurately explained in terms of a candle melting and dripping, sliding, and mushing into a heap.  That's kinda how I feel in my skin at the moment.  I LOVE my progress, my smaller clothes, my smaller me...I'm having issue with the skin.  Some days are better and some are worse. Such is life.

I've been tired and not feeling well, which I'm sure explains some of the downer skin drama, and I find it the most difficult time to keep motivated.  All I can think about is chicken noodle soup, but without the broth....aka a big ol' heap of white, starchy pasta!! Nom nom!!!  I haven't done it though!  I went to the Dr. for antibiotics today, so hopefully the feeling passes soon.  If it doesn't I might not be responsible for my actions. :-)

I did weigh-in yesterday, even though I did on Friday after Thanksgiving.  I'm super happy to report a loss of 1.2 for a total of 84.4 pounds.  Now to just get to feeling better so I can keep plugging along.

Two Down...

Well Thanksgiving is over and I made it.  Something else to add to my list of thankfulness!  I allowed myself 2 items I normally wouldn't eat out of what seemed like hundreds of those options.  I limited the amount too, just because I could have some didn't mean I needed to be stupid about it.  I made sure to have a large salad shortly before going, which I am sure helped.  I'm not going to say it was totally easy, but I also didn't feel entirely deprived.  Afterwards I'm positive the mental outlook was better than the alternative, for that I am extremely proud.

Later in the evening I was jonesing for some crack food, but I ate my leftover salad and drank some water.  Truly not what I wanted in the moment, but it IS what I wanted this morning and now I'm over it.  Since I didn't post my loss on Tuesday like I normally try to do, I'm greatful to be able to do it today... the day after Thanksgiving.  My weight was even down today from yesterday!  Without any further ado, my loss since my last weigh-in post is 2.8 lbs for a total of 83.2 lbs.

Halloween and Thanksgiving survived, now the Christmas season is calling my name....

Bandwagon

I've been reading all these blogs and Facebook statuses where people are posting what they are thankful for.  While I find it nice to read a lot of positive things (especially on Facebook) I have to admit that my first reaction was that it's kinda silly.  I immediately thought that I am thankful for ALL of my life and don't need to point out individual parts of it for a month.

All of the above is still true, but I found myself walking around taking note of silly little incidents where I was thankful.  Maybe that is the point of all these random posting, to get us thinking.  I've decided to jump on the bandwagon and blog about what I am thankful for, but I'm going to limit mine to a single post.  Also, while I am incredibly thankful for my family, friends, and life in general I am going to single out some of the random thing that have popped into my mind lately.  Here goes!

I am thankful:

• To be able to stand up and get out of the bathtub without a crane anymore.
• For the new found energy dropping my weight has given me.
• For the time sitting on my baby's bedroom floor playing toys, then getting up without the 45 point turn.
• To be able to squat down and help my kids and then FINALLY be able to just stand back up.
• For the people willing to come up to me and tell me they notice a difference in me and encourage me to keep going. (Which after 80+ pounds has only been 3 people & family doesn't count)
• For the memories I have of the loved ones I've lost. They make the sadness sometimes brought on by the holidays so much easier.
• VERY thankful, for the boxes of smaller clothes stashed in my closet, because without them I might be naked.  I will assume you're thankful for this one too!
• For my husband and his job and everything it provides us with.
• For my hairdresser who I don't see nearly often enough, but she still treats me like I'm her best customer ever.
• For the tough times (this is NOT an invitation for more) which make the good times so much better and treasured.
• To not be carrying around my 11 year old daughter everywhere I go.  She weighs less than what I've lost and that perspective is overwhelming.

I'll leave you with this weeks weight loss numbers....

This week: -0.6 lbs

Total: 80.4

Talking Food and Weigh-In

I don't talk a lot about my actual food or diet here specifically for a couple of reasons.  What works for one person is not always the answer for another.  Even my doctor says that there are millions of diets and combinations out there, not all good or bad, you just have to find what works for you.

Another reason for not "talking food" is the compassion one feels for what works for them.  I do not want someone to tell me what I am doing wrong when what I am doing right now is working for me.  I do not want to doubt myself, this is hard enough without that.  As long as my doctor is on board that's all that matters to me.

Don't get me wrong, I respect people's compassion because I get that way too.  Only in my case I sometimes call it obsession. :-).   It's hard for me to not run around screaming from the mountain tops about what and how I am doing.  It's hard not to share what makes me feel better, but it's me it's working for.   I do not understand your addictions or your issues with food.  I only understand mine.  My trigger is not your trigger, nor is my struggle the same as yours.

What I can offer though is support and understanding.  While I may not have the same specific struggle as someone else, I do share the "addiction".  Whether that be food, tobacco, or even exercise I GET the struggle and treasure the support.

Now for the weigh-in part, this week I lost 3 pounds bringing my total to 79.8 pounds. Halloween down, the rest of the holidays to go!  I'm working on staying conscious not obsessive and allowing myself to be human.  This journey is about so much more than food and pounds lost, it's about being nice to me too.

In Its Grips.... & A Weigh-In

It has been a while and I only have one excuse.  It's my darn book(s)!  I have literally been using ALL my free time (and more) reading.  I think I've mentioned before, I LOVE to read!  I am very aware of my love to read too, so I have to restrict myself a lot.  Well it didn't happen between the last two books. I finished one and rolled right into the next one in the series without pause.  I guess that's what happens when I have access to a "bookstore" on my iPad at 11:00 PM.  Not to mention that I just HAD to continue on in the series.  So....that's been the reason behind my absence.

I decided it was time for an update.  I looked back for my last weight loss check-in and realized it was two weeks ago.  I've been doing really well, trying to stay very conscious of me and my surroundings.  In fact a couple of weeks ago, after my last weigh-in post, I thought maybe I hadn't been eating enough. Horrible, I know!  It's funny how when you don't eat empty unnutritious things you don't consume 10,000 too many calories a day.  Okay maybe not that many, but I actually was instead not eating enough and that can be just as bad for health/weight loss.  I focused on eating a bit more frequently and I really think it helped.  In the last two weeks I've lost 7.6 lbs which brings my total to 76.8 lbs.

I'm really trying to focus on what's important to me and for me with the holiday season basically starting today. Happy Halloween, by the way!!  I really WANT to be successful through the end of the year and start the new year not having to make up for decisions made in the past.  Because that truly is what it's all about, decisions.  I'm going to try to make the correct ones for me so that I can keep....

I Don't Hate Myself Today

Today I went shopping for jeans.  Today I also don't hate myself.  Being able to say those two things on the same day....rare!!  Even better, I didn't necessarily find "dream jeans" today and I'm still okay.  I did however realize two important things.

First, I still have a long way to go and that's fine.  I am who I am right now in this moment and that's not even who I'll be later.  Shopping for clothing has always been so depressing, but knowing I'm making healthy changes takes away the power clothing always seems to have over me.  Besides, who I am is not defined by the size of my body or the clothes I wear.  Looking cute is just a bonus I get with the health I am seeking.

Second, I'm smaller than I thought.  What a problem, huh?  That's not the point though.  The point is in what I've discovered...I  think I hide behind my clothes.  I wear things looser than what most people would consider too big.  I think it's because I relate tight to gaining weight and I think looser hides the fat.  What I realized today is that there is not clothing out there that is going to hide the fat and that I'm not going to find clothing that makes me look thin.  I'm NOT thin and clothing is NOT magical.  What I have to get is something I like, feel comfortable in, and fits.

Now just because I know this does not mean that it'll be easier to shop now.  I'm pretty sure I'm still going to have issues.  It just means that on the good days I'm smart enough to know what really matters.

No Longer Comforting

"You carry you weight well."

This is something that use to comfort me.  Maybe people don't know how much I REALLY weigh.  Maybe they think I am just a little over weigh, not morbidly obese.  After all, I've always been taller and bigger than everyone even when I wasn't "fat".  I weigh THAT much more because I always have.

Then I went to the Dr. the other day and they gave me a print out of the main information in my chart.  Some new law or something.  I saw this....

Apparently I haven't gotten them fooled.  They don't care how tall I am or how I am built. It only confirmed with me that day what I have already decided.  I don't want to "carry my weight well" anymore, I simply just don't want to carry it at all.

Sweating

This picture makes me shutter.

Today I got my sweat on.  This is big for me.  I avoid exercise for several reasons, most of them very illogical ones, but sweating is one of them.


You see I have an aversion to sweat. I emotionally link sweating to being fat, lazy, and out of shape.  Fat people sweat while just sitting there.  They poor sweat with even a little exertion.  At least I do did.

It's embarrassing having sweat running down the back of your legs or in between you boobs while just sitting in a chair.  Can you even imagine what it might be like if I were to actually exercise?

I know that this is very illogical and I have visual proof all around me telling me such, but for some reason I have that link in my brain that tells me otherwise.  I'm pretty sure it has something to do with the fact that I didn't sweat until I was 25.

Before my first child, at 25, I didn't sweat. Really.  I just turned really red and ended up with heat stroke.  For some reason after having a baby I was able to sweat and my ability to do it got better after each baby.  Now after 3 kids I seem to sweat with no problem.  Did I also mention that I got fatter after each baby too?  Link?

I am going to try to push through this nonsense and strengthen not only my body, but my mind as well.  I truly love the way I feel when I am done!  Someday I hope to be able to change these thoughts on sweating to something different.  Maybe something like....

 

 

Quick Weight Update

Just a quick weigh-in for the week.  After my "episode" Saturday I am happy to report a loss of .2 bringing my total to 69.2 pounds.  I am happy about two things.

First, I went right back to eating as I should after Saturday.  Each day has been a little easier, but I saw how easily I could have derailed myself permanently.  The main difference this time is that I am not allowing myself to give up.

Secondly, I am very happy with my loss.  I was expecting a gain.  This is good for me mentally right now.  I still have those perfection issues to deal with and I was worried a gain would trigger something.  Now hopefully I can be better prepared next time.

Here's to another great week.

I Ate

On Saturday I ate.  I ate what I wanted, I ate too much, I was not in control.  This scares me.

I made the decision to have a day free from the constraints of perfection.  Perfection turned straight into abandon.  This is how I seem to be.  All or none, black or white, call it what you will.

I am okay with taking a day.  I am not okay with going to the point of abandon.  It also scares the crap out of me that this will signal the start of the end, I'm done.  After all, this is what always happens.  I will NOT let that happen.

Yesterday I struggled and a battle raged on within my head.  Thoughts of defeat, what's the point, now I'm going to gain weight this week.  I didn't give in.  Today has been a bit easier but I am still scared of the scale tomorrow.  I don't want it to trigger more.

I've been trying to be logical about it all.... One day, it's not that bad.  You can learn from this experience and be better prepared next time.  It is okay to not be perfect. There may be a gain but that too is not the end of the world.  This is a journey not a quick trip.

That is all true, but it's still scary.  If I let it, my mind could still defeat me.  I'm going to try my hardest not to let it because it is what it is, moving on!  I will NOT give up!

A Different Kind of Weigh-In

I didn't post my weigh-in last week and it had nothing to do with it not being good.  In fact I had an awesome loss of 3.6 pounds.  The reason I didn't post is that I was conflicted and to be quite honest I still am.

I've been thinking a lot about what exactly this blog is for me, how much to share, how much hard stuff to put out there, who I am doing it for,  and so much more.  I've been definite in my answers to myself at some points and wavering to the extremes at others.  Here is where I think I stand on some of my issues right now...

This blog is for ME.

It's where I can share a difficult journey with anyone interested.

It's a place where I can be held accountable and seek input.

It's a way for me to say things I need to express but maybe need to hide behind my blog to do it.

It's where I can go to see that other people out there struggle and succeed too.

I want it to be a place where I can be honest and not just sugar coat everything.

Unfortunately this is not exactly how it has worked out all the time.  When I struggled a while back I stopped posting because no one wanted to hear about a failure on a health/weight loss blog, right?!(I'm over the failure thing so no need to comment on that.)  I also struggle with posting some truths that I think are very important to my journey, such as my before pictures.  It is hard for me to say out loud things that embarrass me and I'm not talking about normal embarrassment type things like farts.   Those things don't bug me, it's those things which usually make me feel like a failure.  You know the whole OCD I am perfect in every way or I don't try mentality.

This brings me to the subject of how much is too much, too personal, or otherwise not relevant to share.  Right now I would say nothing is.  Truth is, the harder it is to share the more it probably should be.  I'm realizing this is as much a mental journey as a physical one.  I need to accept the truths completely, honestly, and openly because only then can I change.

Now the reason behind my conflict last week....I was celebrating a milestone.  In order to share this celebration with you I would have had to post a truth that I didn't think I could, should, or wanted to.  I still don't know if I'm ready, but it is what it is.  Last weeks loss put me at a total of 66.8 lbs but it also put me at 298.8. Finally under 300 lbs for the first time in around six years.  It's hard for me to admit how far I let myself go, how far I still need to go, but it truly is what it is.  Moving on.

Now for my weigh-in this week.  I lost another 2.2 for a total of 69 lbs!  At least I rock..that softens the blow.  Plus I will hopefully never have to say anything like that ever again.

Nemesis

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately about how far I've come and how much farther I need to go.  I have several reoccurring thoughts that I need to address, but the one that I try to avoid talking about the most need to deal with is exercise.

I struggle with exercise. True I am uncoordinated, but I mean in a more mental way.  I like to consider myself a very logical person and as such I know that exercises is one of the best things I can do.  Not just for my body, but also for my weight loss journey.  Logical, easy, lets do it, right? Ummm, not so much.

Logic is one thing, OCD is another.  I really struggle with doing new things because I have this mental need to be successful/perfect from the start.  It truly becomes a battle of the mind.  My logical (and much smarter) side gets that this is not possible, while at the same time my obsessive side expects perfection.

Then there is the possibility of weight gain when beginning exercise.  I know this fact, logically, but you try convincing me of that when I see the gain.  Not to mention that this is suppose to be a journey about health, not weight loss.  I just always seem to get all caught up in things in my head.  A battle of wills.  Maybe I don't give myself enough credit, but past experience points to the OCD winning taking control.

I've seriously been considering setting some goals for myself.  Maybe tricking allowing myself to take smaller steps towards success.  But alas, this brings up the issues I have with goals, which basically brings us right back around to my OCD.  I've mentioned before that goals are hard for me.  It brings out the little obsessive monster inside me.  I become very all or none.  All is not necessarily bad in this case, but I tend to push until I can't go anymore and then I'm done.  Maybe what I need is someone to hold my hand?!

There is nothing like a little weight loss to make you start having to deal with all the other issues.  This is not an issue I will give up on.  I just don't have it all worked out yet.  Besides, how could I forget when this....

stares at me every morning when I get out of bed.

So Much Going On In Here

My mind is whirling.  I have so much that I've been thinking about, dealing with, or hiding from.  Now more than ever I feel the urge to turn to food, to seek my favorite comfort.  I haven't though.  I am VERY aware of it and fighting it with all I have.  I SOOOO wanted a peanut butter Twix yesterday, so I told my husband yesterday that today on his way home from work to stop and get me one.  I told him NO kingsize, just a two bar pack he can put in the fridge. I like them cold.  It's still in the fridge tonight and I am okay, sipping on a glass of wine instead.

Even though I've resisted the urges I have felt my eating slip onto a more lenient path.  I am trying to take care of some issues and I plan to focus on my healthy eating this week.  Will power will only take me so far, I MUST make the changes needed to deal with life.  I feel like this has been the first test and I am happy to at least see it.

On a totally unrelated note....I went through all my clothes & have a huge pile of too big.  This is good! I'm torn about what to do with them though.  I feel like I should box them up and keep them "just in case", but I also don't want to because this time is suppose to be "it"!  I keep wavering back & forth between what I want to be true & all the previous failed attempts.  I think if I keep them then I doubt myself, but if I get rid of them then that's silliness based on the past. Help!?!?

Obsessed

I know that I have not posted for a while and I know that when I last did it was just a super short one.  You see I have this problem....it's called a book. I LOVE to read and when I do I cannot put them down.  I get the necessities done...feeding kids, doing laundry, baths (me & the children), pick-ups & drop offs, etc. but everything else has to wait. Sorry, just how it is.

I've decided that I may have to put myself on a book diet.  I may have to start counting pages instead of calories.  It's just hard to summon the will power to put it down sometimes, especially now.  I've somewhat been on a book diet the past year & a half called the baby diet.  It's not working that well anymore now that she's 19 months.  Oh well, such is life, I guess it could be worse.

I am succeeding on one of my "diets" though.  This last week I lost 2.2 more pounds bringing my total to 63.2 pounds.  I'm still doing really well, probably helps that I don't like to eat while I read...heeyyyy, maybe I don't need to cut down on the reading!  I guess I'll just need to make blogging one of the "necessities".

Just Couldn't Resist

Sometimes this is exactly how I feel....

Source: someecards.com via Wendie on

And now some information you should have....

Source: ohmyfreakingstars.blogspot.com via Wendie on Pinterest

Source: someecardss.tumblr.com via Wendie on Pinterest

Moving Forward

Just a quick update on my weight loss, today I was down 3.2 lbs since my last weigh-in. This brings me to a total 61 lbs.  I'm very happy with this and my progress so far.  I really have been trying to make some lasting changes.  

My weight loss to date has really gotten me to thinking though, the most I've ever lost at any one given time is 85 lbs.  I'm a little nervous and maybe jumping the gun a bit, but this fact makes me very anxious.  There is one big difference this time though...the amount of weight I need to lose.  This time I was basically the largest I have ever been when starting (less about 5 lbs) so I know I have a lot more to lose.  I am hoping that 85 lbs comes & goes with no mental blocks.  I also really think the problem has more to do with getting close to the weight I want to be and becoming too comfortable...self sabotage?!  This is something for a later post, but definitely something I am not going to ignore. 

Mind Swap

Lately I've been doing really well on the weight loss front, but I've also had a lot of very negative thoughts bouncing around in my head.  On Friday I decided that was enough and I was going to find something positive to offset every negative I had.  When I take the time to actually do things like this I am always amazed how much it helps.  It's always very easy to see how truly blessed I am.

Not all of my negatives necessarily have to do with weight loss or health, but any negative feeling can be enough to throw a funk into the whole wellness plan.  So without further ado here are some of my "issues":

• The extra skin/sags are already getting to me and I have oh so much farther to go.  I would definitely say that I looked better undressed BEFORE losing. However, I don't tend to go anywhere undressed and definitely look better in clothes now.  I also have to remember that my hubby always said if I lost weight and kept it off he'd get me a boob job & tummy tuck.  
• My clothing selection is not so good.  I am so in between the sizes I have been wearing and the ones that I have stashed.  I can either fall out of my clothes or sausage into them.  REALLY what kind of problem is that?!  At least I have smaller clothes that are going to fit, not that I'm gaining like most of my life and nothing larger to move into.
• I still feel so slow and out of shape. My son raced me around the front yard and let me know that he went slow for me.  This one is not too hard to find the other side of.  I'm carrying around 60 less pounds and moving so much better.  I CAN run around, bike ride, paint the shed, and do things with my family.  I still want to take the next step into actual scheduled exercise, but at least I feel like now I can.
• I am SOOOO tired of my hubby having to work out of town! I miss seeing him every day and hate trying to fit everything in on the weekends.  Ok so this one I have to constantly remind myself of the other side. One, at least he has a job and can provide for us. Two, he gets to come home on the weekends and I know others who don't get to for 5 weeks straight. And three, he is almost done (even though I hear 2 more weeks every week) and will be home for good. Remember remember remember....
• I've been very stressed over my older babies education.  We pay a lot of money for private schooling and are less than impressed so far this year.  On the bright side they are supposedly working on it for us, we have other options if need be, and I WILL make sure that the best decision is made for her.  Also, all this is because she is too smart for her own good.  Now I definitely don't see how that could be a problem.

See, it's not so bad. I may have to keep reminding myself of this, but when I do I feel so much better.

There's No Way It Wasn't Monday

The calendar said that it was Wednesday, but that just cannot be possible!  It was definitely one of those days.

It started with not wanting to get out of bed, a baby who's diaper leaked, kids that were not dressed appropriately for chapel at school today (when it was time to walk out the door), another upset tummy day, and on and on...

I made myself eat throughout the day and I made myself think about the fact that if this is as bad as it gets then you've got it good.  It helped...until alone time tonight.

I'm faced with making some decisions in regards to my eldest baby girl's education and I don't want to.  No matter what decision I make someone is going to be unhappy and I truly don't think that there is just one perfect solution.  I am trying to take time, gather information responsibly, and make a well informed choice that will be the best in the long run. Oh how I hate big/important choices.

Since I haven't been able to resolve the situation as of yet,  it's affecting all my other decision making abilities.  I literally have one check blank left and I've been looking at checks for three days and still haven't ordered any.  I also couldn't decide that one treat this evening was enough, I had to have two.

Maybe I'll wait until my hubby gets back in town tomorrow and make him make all the choices. No?! Well it was a thought.  Instead I will leave you with this thought and it made me feel a whole lot better because....

Source: midwesternmoms.com via Wendie on Pinterest

Weekly Weigh-In

Last week's loss was huge so I wasn't expecting much this week.  I ended up weighing-in down 1.4 lbs for a total of 57.8 lbs.  This I can handle.  I had another awesome week & was not worried, but I do know my body so this was more than expected.  You see, I lose one large chunk every month (when I am doing as I should) and it is the sign that my monthly visitor will be arriving very soon. And I am not like most normal people, I don't get the bloaty water weight stuff.  I actually weigh significantly less 2-3 days prior.  Odd, yes that's me.  TMI, yes that's me too.

What all that usually means is that no matter how spot on I've been the week after one of these huge losses, I tend to lose mere ounces the next week.  That is why this is a GREAT loss!

Do you have any weird (or not so weird) I know myself oddities?

Randomness

First a side note.  After doing this blog for approximately 6 months, I have finally posted some photos.  Please note the new photo tab at the top. :)

Now onto some random things about me, my life, or just things in general.

• I L-O-V-E coffee.  Plain black sludge, the stronger the better.
• I suffer from both OCD & a hording condition.  The OCD is winning out as I age...the clutter causes me anxiety which in turn makes me need my "crazy" pills.
• I carry most of my weight from the waist down (check out the new photos) and always have.  My sister says I not only have cankles, I have kneekles too! She's mean.
• I become obsessed with one food at a time. (Shocker I know)  Like for a while it was Ben & Jerry's every night, then it was PB Twix, then Carmel Bugles...It can last for months at a time and then one day I'm just done.
• I never wanted kids and now I have 3.  Who would've thunk it.  I credit my 1st baby girl for making me see the light.  She may have been a oops & she may be the death of me as a tween, but she is also the BEST thing that ever happened to me!!
• I've been married twice....to the same man.
• Until I had kids I didn't like eating meat.  It just tasted gross.  No problems now.
• I'm 5'10" and wear a size 12 shoe.  I've often wondered what it would be like to be petite for just one day.  Plus I'd like some cute shoes.
• Speaking of shoes, I wear flip-flops almost year round.  It even looks like I am wearing them when I'm not, thanks to an awesome tan. 



The tan has even faded

• Since I just showed you my feet I guess I should point out that I have 4 tattoos and I'm itching for more. I also can't wait for the leaves on the one on my back to not be hidden in the side back fat roll.  Almost there, but not quite.
• I once lost a ton of weight by eating mostly saltine crackers and drinking excessive amounts of vodka tonics.  The vodka would indicate the need for the saltines.  This was all of course before any of my kids, a very long time ago so no need to lecture.
• I'm a beauty school drop out.  Too many allergies.
• I love to craft but unfortunately never seem to have time for it.
• I enjoy growing flowers and hand water both my pots and flower beds daily.
• I really enjoy a couple of glasses of wine every evening, but since I am trying to lose weight I have mostly given it up.  Maybe once a week, sometimes more and sometimes not at all.
• The only foods that I know that I absolutely don't like are carrots (cooked or raw) and tomatoes.  I'll eat salsa and canned tomatoes in things, but I just can't do a regular tomato.  Wish I could, they look good.
• I didn't get Pinterest at 1st and thought it was stupid.  Now I like it, but I am not one of those crazy Pinterest people.  What I don't really get now is Instagram...I've tried it, used it a little, but just not sure exactly what the purpose is.

I guess that's all for now.  Anything else anyone wants to know?

It's Official

This morning I weighed-in at the exact same weight I was when I went to deliver my second child over 7 years ago.  If only I were birthing a baby today, not because I want another, but because that sure would be a big boost to the weight loss.

This is both a happy and sad moment. Sad because it's ridiculous I weighed less 9 months pregnant, that it's taken me soooo long to get back here, that I would let myself go like that, etc. Happy because I'm proud of what I've accomplished, proud of where I'm heading, and excited to enter the pre baby #2 territory.

Today I weighed-in with a loss of  5.8 pounds (hot diggity dog) bringing my total to 56.4 pounds. I feel good!

Things Are Not Alway As They Seem

The handcuffs on my nightstand, not mine...they were left there by the kid "cops" that decided to watch tv in my bed. (I really should move them before someone gets the wrong idea.)

The elipticle in the house of someone (me) on a health journey...dusty and taunting from the corner where it sits.

The always clean house of Miss OCD (also me)...please don't ever look in my bedroom or bathroom or closet, or anywhere else out of the main line of sight.

The pantry of a fat person full of Easter, Halloween, or any other holiday candy...we don't eat it, really we don't. That's why it's still there.

The smile on my face & the "it's ok" coming from my mouth about my hubby being gone every week for the last several weeks (and the several more to come)...not true, I hate it! But "it's ok" we are fine.

The clothes that are too big, YEA!...not good when you don't have the next size down (I have tons of 2 sizes down) or any money.

The joys of a shrinking body...well except the sagging skin, flapping arms, rashes, etc.

Sometime when things are not what they seem it takes a moment to see the real truth. I am a work in progress and I am proud of my eating and all that comes with it. The good, the bad, and the plain 'ol ugly. I am healthier and that is where I really want to be.

Weigh Day After Vacation

First I must start off saying what a treat it was to go on my little mini vacation.  I've gone to McCall all of my life because my parents have a cabin there, but what a totally different experience it was staying in town in a motel.  It was like we were tourists.

The first day while my hubby worked my kids and I explored town, which we don't really ever do when we are at the cabin.  We played on the beach, checked out the little shops, had a coffee, and just wandered around.  On the other days we went shoe shopping, picked huckleberries, swam in the lake, and also swam in the hotel pool.

The hotel had breakfast every morning and there were even some healthy choices.  I did really well with breakfast.  Lunch wasn't too bad either because we ate things we brought with us.  Dinner was a bit tougher because of course it's harder when you go out.  I feel like I chose really well everywhere we went.  We even went for sushi, which was a first for me.  I did plan for and allow myself one treat and that was a dish of ice-cream from a place called Ice-Cream Alley.  It was good, I ate what I wanted, then I threw the rest away.

When we got home I could tell for the first couple of days that I needed water, even though I tried really hard to make sure I got in my water.  It could have had something to do with the amount of wine I may have drank.  Thankfully for my weigh-in this morning I finally felt back to "normal".  I am VERY happy with a loss of 1.4 lbs making my total now 50.6 lbs.  I realized when I logged my weight earlier today that this makes me past the 1/2 way mark to my first goal of losing 100 lbs.  I will still need to lose more after the 100, but I really wanted to give myself something tangible to reach for.

On another note, school started for my older two yesterday.  Even though I am sad to see the summer break end, I am anxious to get back into our normal routine again.  Summer often feels like such a free for all.  Now if I could just get my hubby back in town permanently!

Quick Weigh-In on My Mini Vacation

My husband has been working out of town for the last couple weeks and will have to continue to do so for a few more.  This week the kids and I decided to go with him since it is our last week before school starts.  I'm calling it our mini vacation.

Since I was not going to be home tomorrow to weigh-in on my normal day I went ahead and weighed this morning.  I was very happy and excited to see a loss of 3.2 more pounds, making my total now 49.2! Oh 50 pounds I can almost grab you...I've been very diligent lately.

My goal for the next several days is to make sure that I continue to eat well even while I'm out of town.  I packed breakfast stuff and snacks, so I'm headed in the right direction.  I'm also going to take time while the hubby is at work to swim and explore with the kids.  I forgot the stoller so I had to stop and buy one of those umbrella ones, but we plan on walking about town.

Now just praying the baby sleeps well while we are gone.

Weigh-in

Well I'm only a day late with my weight loss check in.  Things are moving along really well, today I am down a total of 46 pounds.  I'm not exactly sure where I was the last time I reported in, so I only have the total handy.  I'm really proud of this number.

I'm really starting to feel good!  Eating healthy foods in their more natural state really agrees with me.  Right now I'm not really missing the processed crap, but I won't lie and say that I wouldn't really love a peanut butter Twix.

My thoughts right now on that... I'm doing really good and not struggling, so I'm just going to keep running with it.  I don't feel like I NEED a Twix right now, I would just like one.  As I have said before I am trying to make this about real life, not dreamy diet land, so nothing is a NEVER again food.  I just need to leave "those" foods for when I NEED them, special occasions, and those once in a blue moon type of days.

I really wish I could understand why sometimes it seems so easy and other times it seems so hard.  Right now I am just rolling with it.  Maybe later when it's not so easy I can look back and find something I've written that will shed a little light on it or inspire me to get going again.  Because even though I am doing good right now, my journey has only just begun.

Unsettled

Do you ever have one of those days where you just feel unsettled?  I am having that problem huge today.  I've had a tummy ache since I woke up, lots of things on my plate today, my hubby left town again, and some unsettling mail.  I really want to take one of my "crazy" pills, but I am worried about getting too sleepy.  I guess it'll have to wait until later.  I usually like Monday's, but today can just be done!

Today I am trying to remind myself to eat because I should...yeah weird having to do that.  That is usually NOT an issue for me.  I'm also trying to remember that in the scheme of life it's not that bad and at least my kids are being fairly well behaved today.

I've still been really busy lately, but I am hoping after my littlest person's doctor appointment tomorrow morning that it slows down.  My other two register for school this afternoon and I really need some groceries, so we will see what gets done.  Hopefully tomorrow I can update how the diet is going and record my current weight loss totals.  This is one thing that I am settled about, I've been doing good.

So Busy

I meant to post yesterday, but I have been so busy.  Last weekend my family and I went out of town and then my hubby had to leave Monday morning to work out of town.  Then throw in a trip to Target and Costco, not to mention we have swimming lessons every day this week.  It definitely makes for a more hectic day when the hubby doesn't get to come home for a bit of a reprieve.  However, he is good at putting everything in perspective for me, even over the phone.  We have been keeping busy and managing just fine, but I can't lie, I cannot wait for him to get home.

I do have good news to report, the eating front has been spot on.  I went out of town and kept right on trucking.  I made sure to pack appropriately and be prepared.  While we were gone I also got in a bike ride and a bit of swimming.  It was so much fun.  All of my hard work paid off and yesterday I recorded a 2 lbs loss for a total of 42.4 lbs. Yay!!

I have noticed something in the last couple of evenings though, I am craving/wanting some unhealthy foods.  I think that I have decided it is from boredom and loneliness.  It hits after I have put the kids to bed, when I usually sit and relax with the hubby after a long day.  I've managed so far, drank a big glass of water and had a healthy snack, but I definitely want the hubby home.

I'm going to try to get some photos posted from our weekend away, it just may take a couple of days. Here's to a GREAT rest of the week!

Do You Want to Know What I Did?

Last night I did something that is really hard for me.  I'm not going to say I haven't done it before, but it's one of those things that doesn't happen very often...like Christmas.

Okay it all started off with me fixing myself a large plate of food for dinner.  After all I was having mostly veggies, so it was a large nice looking spread.  I went easy on all the non veggies and I had great variety.  But this isn't about what I put ON my plate, it about what I LEFT on my plate.  Yeah you heard correctly, I left food on my plate.  I was eating and chatting with my hubby when all of the sudden I realized I was full, I decided to stop.  This is a BIG thing for me!

Just two nights earlier I was chatting with my mother that I was trying to control my starting portions and wait to see if I really wanted seconds.  I've always had a problem with eating everything on my plate, and not the one where she had to force me to finish.  You see it usually doesn't matter how much is there or how full I already am, I will clean my plate like all good girls do. :-)

Well, my starting portion was big last night, like I said earlier.  When I got full I stopped.  I don't know why exactly, but I did.  Maybe it's that I've been trying to watch my serving sizes and it's working.  Maybe it's that the way I'm eating allows me to have as much as I want, so I am not stressing about not getting enough. Maybe it's a fluke?  Who knows, but like I've said before, I'm going to run with it and keep on trying.

Now on a totally separate note, I've lost another 1.4 pounds.  My total lost is now at 40.4!!  Yeah...I rock!

Reality

When people lose weight I think they have this preconceived notion on how it will go and a visual of where they're going to end up.  Ok maybe not all people, but I do.  In the past I've started out strong and then I start getting these mental images of what I'm going to look like and how easy it's going to be.  These images are not necessarily in focus and they may even lack a face, but I can see this shape of the person I think I'm going to become.

In the past, on my many many many "failed" diet attempts, I get discouraged that I am not meeting the goals set forth by these visuals in my head.  Things get harder, life happens, and "reality" sets in.  I'm a "failure", I will never look like I've pictured, why do I even try?

This time it's different.  I've realize something, my "reality" and "failure" were off.  My visuals were impossible misleading and my ideas of easy sailing were wishful thinking.  This is a process, a journey, one that I KNOW without a doubt that I will struggle with.  The difference, I embrace this & will not give up... even if it takes forever.

I also know a few other things.  That person I see in my mind is not me.  I cannot change some thing no matter how much I wish I could.  I will not become petite, for heaven sakes I'm 5'10".  I will not have skinny, sexy legs...that is just not how I am built.  And you know all this skin that covers this body, it's not going to all go away.  I am working on being okay with all of this.

Do you want to know something else?  I like me, I really think I am kind of pretty, & I am trying to be proud of who I am right now.  But, I am also trying to accept how others see me with a little bit a grace instead of disbelief.  My hubby says I am not "kind of pretty", I am beautiful...I don't quite see it that way yet, maybe never, but I am trying.

Source: dontfeelright.tumblr.com via Wendie on Pinterest

I guess what I am saying with all of this is that I am trying to accept that this is a process.  I need to be REAL, accepting, & loving to myself.  I'm not perfect, but when it comes down to it, I really do like me.

What I've Been Up To

Last Wednesday was my let's get back at it buckle down day.  I've been doing GREAT and I feel really good.  My eating has done a complete 360 and all that is going into my body are foods in their natural state (for the most part) and I have not eaten boxed or prepackaged meals since.  I have also increased my water intake back up to where it should be.

It hasn't been all rosy colored, day 3 sucked.  I didn't feel well, I think it was sugar withdrawal.  Could have been wine withdrawal too. :-)  I am giving up my wine for two weeks and then it's back to a glass of red a day at most.

I can't believe the difference, but then again I can, I've been here before.  It makes me wonder WHY would I want to feel the other way?  I was also wondering how come I hadn't been cooking more? My hubby and I both love to cook and we both agree it tastes way better than going out.  I'm sure that it's a time/lazy thing, but I'm gonna make the time.

The only thing that I could be doing better at the moment is getting more physical activity, but I blame the books!  I've been sucked (willingly) into the 50 Shades series and it's been hard for me to even get the regular daily chores done.  I'm about 1/2 way through the last book, so the end is near, then no more excuses.

I updated my weight loss ticker at the bottom today and it now reflects my 39 pound loss as of today.  I go to the doctor on Friday for my follow-up and lab results, so I'll let you know how that goes. 


Right now I'll just keep plugging along...

Happy and I Know It

One thing I know for sure after being on diets for what seems my whole life, the ups are really up and the downs are way down. There never seems to be anything in the middle. When you are on a good week or a great loss you're awesome, let's just face if, the bomb! However, when you're not doing so well or gain you totally suck!

This is something I struggle with and after reading so many blogs I know that I am most definitely not alone. I read them and wonder why that person is being so hard on themselves, after all they're human and they are at least still tryng to be healthy. I realize that I need to cut myself some slack too! A very hard thing to do, but how I wanted this journey to go.

Believe it or not right now I am on a high. Ive been eating good, feeling great, and the scale this morning told me that I am awesome. That is what I WAS going to post about, but after watering all my flower (relaxed thinking time for me) I realized I don't want to get ahead of myself. I AM happy, proud, and feeling good...so I am going to run with it and let it carry me while it can. I am going to embrace the "easy" days with all I've got, but I am also going to acknowledge the bad. Realizing I too am human and maybe sometimes I just need a moment. Hopefully not a two month moment next time.

Plugging Along

While I am not breaking any land speed records here, I do feel like I am moving forward. It's been a busy week with a lot of activity...Yard work, bike rides, and tonigh a great match of four square with the family. My eating has been a LOT better this last week, not great, but a definite improvement. I lost two pounds, getting me within four pounds of where I was, so I am happy with that. Tomorrow I buckle down for another charge forward.

I saw the following on Pinterest and it rang true...

Source: Uploaded by user via Wendie on Pinterest

Here is to another great and active week.

I Went To the Dr. & the Dr. Said...

Yesterday I went and established myself with a doctor. Pretty sure it's my first regular doctor since my pediatrician, well outside of the girly doc. We talked about past health of course, but we also talked about me trying to lose weight. Of course he's all aboard on that front, but what I really liked about him is he was REAL. No smug remarks like I've been given before such as, "It's all about calories in and calories out!". Like we all don't know that...just like we all know drugs are bad for us, doesn't mean it stops us all.

I really did like him and the suggestions he had. I totally felt that if what I try doesn't help, he'll be there with more ideas/options. He also sent me toady to get my blood taken so that we can check certain risk factors I have and get a baseline on the other stuff. He did do one thing wrong though, he happened to mention that I was getting of the age where we were going to need these baseline numbers. The nerve...me of a certain age! Ha!

I think that all the blood they took today, 4 mason jars full...ok just 4 viles, but still...took the oomph right out of me. Is that possible? I even took a nap, something I NEVER do!

Going to bed now and praying for more energy tomorrow.

A Little Behind

Last Tuesday I weighed-in and I guess I'm a little behind in posting. Speaking of a little behind...wish mine was. (Sorry I couldn't resist.). The results were good, I lost 3 of the 5 pounds that I had gained. I'm afraid to say though that I acted like it gave me permission to not try as hard. This last week has been less than stellar and I really want pull my head out of my "little" behind.

I was really busy this weekend redecorating my oldest daughter's room and now I am SORE. I have to do the partial lower then drop on the toilet, you know the one because we've all been there before. Anyway, last night after my daughter saw her room we did go for a small bike ride. I didn't think I was gonna be able to do it, considering my legs and all, but it actually helped loosen them up. Who would've thought! By 3 AM though they were not loose. After I waddled to the kitchen for some ibuprofen I was able to go back to sleep.

So long story short, between my less than stellar week and the incredible soreness, I don't hold out very much hope for this weeks weigh-in. No discouragement though...it was all me and like I've said before, I will not give up! Even though I am sore, it's not nearly like I use to get. This tells me there has been some forward progress and for that I am proud!!

Dieter's Prison

Whenever I put myself on a strict "diet" I always feel deprived, like I've had something taken away from me. My own little dieter's prison! I do well in the beginning, watching my behavior, then all hell breaks loose. I rebel like I am trying to prove a point, but to whom I am not sure. I end up only hurting myself and right back where I was trying to escape from.

That is why I am trying to do things differently this time. Nothing has worked in the past. It's time to change my ways. There is only one problem...that old me, that old mindset, it is still lurking in there. The one who says all or none. The one who berates me for screwing up. The one who expects perfection. I'm trying to deal with her, but she is strong and has been with me for a very long time. All I know for sure is that I will never stop trying.

Source: colorlines.com via meshDETECT on Pinterest

I have a friend who really is in prison (if you must know it's for embezzling) and sometimes I admit I'm jealous. Only of the weight loss, don't get me wrong. She went in at 215+ I believe and when I talked to her the other day she was down to 158. Maybe there needs to be a REAL dieter's prison. A place you're sent when you treat your body, your temple, without regard. It is a crime unto you, is it not? Only, I'll need a house keeper and a nanny while I'm gone...