I Don't Hate Myself Today

Today I went shopping for jeans.  Today I also don't hate myself.  Being able to say those two things on the same day....rare!!  Even better, I didn't necessarily find "dream jeans" today and I'm still okay.  I did however realize two important things.

First, I still have a long way to go and that's fine.  I am who I am right now in this moment and that's not even who I'll be later.  Shopping for clothing has always been so depressing, but knowing I'm making healthy changes takes away the power clothing always seems to have over me.  Besides, who I am is not defined by the size of my body or the clothes I wear.  Looking cute is just a bonus I get with the health I am seeking.

Second, I'm smaller than I thought.  What a problem, huh?  That's not the point though.  The point is in what I've discovered...I  think I hide behind my clothes.  I wear things looser than what most people would consider too big.  I think it's because I relate tight to gaining weight and I think looser hides the fat.  What I realized today is that there is not clothing out there that is going to hide the fat and that I'm not going to find clothing that makes me look thin.  I'm NOT thin and clothing is NOT magical.  What I have to get is something I like, feel comfortable in, and fits.

Now just because I know this does not mean that it'll be easier to shop now.  I'm pretty sure I'm still going to have issues.  It just means that on the good days I'm smart enough to know what really matters.

No Longer Comforting

"You carry you weight well."

This is something that use to comfort me.  Maybe people don't know how much I REALLY weigh.  Maybe they think I am just a little over weigh, not morbidly obese.  After all, I've always been taller and bigger than everyone even when I wasn't "fat".  I weigh THAT much more because I always have.

Then I went to the Dr. the other day and they gave me a print out of the main information in my chart.  Some new law or something.  I saw this....

Apparently I haven't gotten them fooled.  They don't care how tall I am or how I am built. It only confirmed with me that day what I have already decided.  I don't want to "carry my weight well" anymore, I simply just don't want to carry it at all.

Things Are Not Alway As They Seem

The handcuffs on my nightstand, not mine...they were left there by the kid "cops" that decided to watch tv in my bed. (I really should move them before someone gets the wrong idea.)

The elipticle in the house of someone (me) on a health journey...dusty and taunting from the corner where it sits.

The always clean house of Miss OCD (also me)...please don't ever look in my bedroom or bathroom or closet, or anywhere else out of the main line of sight.

The pantry of a fat person full of Easter, Halloween, or any other holiday candy...we don't eat it, really we don't. That's why it's still there.

The smile on my face & the "it's ok" coming from my mouth about my hubby being gone every week for the last several weeks (and the several more to come)...not true, I hate it! But "it's ok" we are fine.

The clothes that are too big, YEA!...not good when you don't have the next size down (I have tons of 2 sizes down) or any money.

The joys of a shrinking body...well except the sagging skin, flapping arms, rashes, etc.

Sometime when things are not what they seem it takes a moment to see the real truth. I am a work in progress and I am proud of my eating and all that comes with it. The good, the bad, and the plain 'ol ugly. I am healthier and that is where I really want to be.

Do You Want to Know What I Did?

Last night I did something that is really hard for me.  I'm not going to say I haven't done it before, but it's one of those things that doesn't happen very often...like Christmas.

Okay it all started off with me fixing myself a large plate of food for dinner.  After all I was having mostly veggies, so it was a large nice looking spread.  I went easy on all the non veggies and I had great variety.  But this isn't about what I put ON my plate, it about what I LEFT on my plate.  Yeah you heard correctly, I left food on my plate.  I was eating and chatting with my hubby when all of the sudden I realized I was full, I decided to stop.  This is a BIG thing for me!

Just two nights earlier I was chatting with my mother that I was trying to control my starting portions and wait to see if I really wanted seconds.  I've always had a problem with eating everything on my plate, and not the one where she had to force me to finish.  You see it usually doesn't matter how much is there or how full I already am, I will clean my plate like all good girls do. :-)

Well, my starting portion was big last night, like I said earlier.  When I got full I stopped.  I don't know why exactly, but I did.  Maybe it's that I've been trying to watch my serving sizes and it's working.  Maybe it's that the way I'm eating allows me to have as much as I want, so I am not stressing about not getting enough. Maybe it's a fluke?  Who knows, but like I've said before, I'm going to run with it and keep on trying.

Now on a totally separate note, I've lost another 1.4 pounds.  My total lost is now at 40.4!!  Yeah...I rock!

Reality

When people lose weight I think they have this preconceived notion on how it will go and a visual of where they're going to end up.  Ok maybe not all people, but I do.  In the past I've started out strong and then I start getting these mental images of what I'm going to look like and how easy it's going to be.  These images are not necessarily in focus and they may even lack a face, but I can see this shape of the person I think I'm going to become.

In the past, on my many many many "failed" diet attempts, I get discouraged that I am not meeting the goals set forth by these visuals in my head.  Things get harder, life happens, and "reality" sets in.  I'm a "failure", I will never look like I've pictured, why do I even try?

This time it's different.  I've realize something, my "reality" and "failure" were off.  My visuals were impossible misleading and my ideas of easy sailing were wishful thinking.  This is a process, a journey, one that I KNOW without a doubt that I will struggle with.  The difference, I embrace this & will not give up... even if it takes forever.

I also know a few other things.  That person I see in my mind is not me.  I cannot change some thing no matter how much I wish I could.  I will not become petite, for heaven sakes I'm 5'10".  I will not have skinny, sexy legs...that is just not how I am built.  And you know all this skin that covers this body, it's not going to all go away.  I am working on being okay with all of this.

Do you want to know something else?  I like me, I really think I am kind of pretty, & I am trying to be proud of who I am right now.  But, I am also trying to accept how others see me with a little bit a grace instead of disbelief.  My hubby says I am not "kind of pretty", I am beautiful...I don't quite see it that way yet, maybe never, but I am trying.

Source: dontfeelright.tumblr.com via Wendie on Pinterest

I guess what I am saying with all of this is that I am trying to accept that this is a process.  I need to be REAL, accepting, & loving to myself.  I'm not perfect, but when it comes down to it, I really do like me.

Happy and I Know It

One thing I know for sure after being on diets for what seems my whole life, the ups are really up and the downs are way down. There never seems to be anything in the middle. When you are on a good week or a great loss you're awesome, let's just face if, the bomb! However, when you're not doing so well or gain you totally suck!

This is something I struggle with and after reading so many blogs I know that I am most definitely not alone. I read them and wonder why that person is being so hard on themselves, after all they're human and they are at least still tryng to be healthy. I realize that I need to cut myself some slack too! A very hard thing to do, but how I wanted this journey to go.

Believe it or not right now I am on a high. Ive been eating good, feeling great, and the scale this morning told me that I am awesome. That is what I WAS going to post about, but after watering all my flower (relaxed thinking time for me) I realized I don't want to get ahead of myself. I AM happy, proud, and feeling good...so I am going to run with it and let it carry me while it can. I am going to embrace the "easy" days with all I've got, but I am also going to acknowledge the bad. Realizing I too am human and maybe sometimes I just need a moment. Hopefully not a two month moment next time.

Embarrassed

I am sitting here eating (steamed carrots, cauliflower, & sugar snap peas) thinking that I need to post to my blog. And I am not sure if you noticed or not, but the posting has been a bit infrequent lately. Then it just hit me....I am embarrassed!!

Embarrassed that I've failed gained weight. It's sent me into the crazy diet thought process land. You know the one.... I'll do it tomorrow, one last cheat, might as well I was already bad, well tomorrow is the 4th better wait till after that...

I've decided right now that I WILL NOT be embarrassed. Besides, those who really know me know that I really don't care what others think. Maybe I was just embarrassed at myself? Well no more! I've still lost weight, my activity level is definitely improving all the time, and I know how to do this.

Here is my most current weigh-in, because who knows when I last posted it... +5 lbs for a total of -29.2 lbs.

Now if you'll excuse me I am going to finish my veggies and get on with it!

Refocusing

I have a lot on my mind so this post may ramble a bit, go one direction, and then totally change to another topic.   Hopefully by the end some of my thoughts will make sense and you'll understand where I'm at...physically, mentally, and emotionally.

I lost focus...I wanted to say screw it...I wanted to say who cares, but I do!  I've mentioned my struggles, some of my thoughts about food, and maybe some solutions in previous posts.  What I did with all of that is nothing!  Why?   I needed to clear my head, there was so much going on in there. 

I joke about me and OCD, but sometimes it's soooooo not funny!!  This blog, my "journey", all this was not suppose to be about dieting.  It was suppose to be about getting healthy, fit, living a life, and doing things with my family.  Things that I couldn't do sitting on the couch and getting fatter.  But it became just that, a diet.  I was struggling mentally!  Every time I've ever dieted it's been a total obsessive/compulsive struggle of will power and perfection.  All or none.

That is where I was headed again.  As the scale went down I knew that if I tried just a little harder then I could succeed faster.  I was having total anxiety moments fixing lunch for my kids.  If I got food/sauce on my fingers, I panicked.  Holly cow I almost licked a finger...the shame of those extra sauce calories.  I DO NOT WANT TO LIVE LIKE THAT!!!

What I had yet to do was get active.  Sure I picked up on my daily activity, did some chores that I'd put off, worked on the yard with my hubby, mowed the lawn, etc. A lot of it though is truly just what comes with warmer weather and more time outside.  I was still steering clear of actual honest to goodness exercise,  activity done totally for the purpose of improving my fitness level.  Why?  It scares me.  What if I fail or worse yet I become obsessive about it too.

You know what I did?  Friday I put my baby in her stroller, got the other two on bikes, and went for a walk.  A walk and no one made me.  I even had fun....ssshhhh!  I haven't just walked since I was FIRST pregnant with my sweet baby almost two years ago.  You know what else I did?  I played basketball tonight.  I was sweating and even warning my hubby that I may have to lay down in the driveway so they could do a chalk outline.  I was dying!  Guess what...I had fun and right now as I type this I feel good.

I haven't tracked my food or tried very hard for several weeks.  I truly think that I eat more when I track.  By golly if I have calories left, they're my calories, and I am going to use every last one.  I begin (here comes that word again) obsessing about everything:

• how much can eat
• when should I eat again
• how much should I eat for a given meal
• should I save calories for later in case I get hungry
• that doesn't have a lot of calories so I can eat 3x's more than I would eat normally

What all of that doesn't deal with or focus on is hunger and nutrition!  Should I be eating just because a number says I can?  Should I eat extra just because it fits within the numbers?  And truly, you can have a ton of empty calorie (non nutritious) snacks and still lose weigh, but I want to feel good too.

Do you want to guess about one more thing?  My weight was at an all new low this morning.  What strange things happen when I stop obsessing.

So I guess what I am trying to say is that I am refocusing and trying to figure out what will work for me.  I want to shift the focus back to health, fitness, and the journey of living my life with my family.  I don't want to be a bystander in my life.

Questions I'm still trying to answer:

• Do I still weigh? How often? Do I log it?
• Do I still need to count calories/points/proteins something?  Or do I pay attention to me.
• Do I get structured on exercise or wing it?
• Do I go get my head examined?? :-)

Holy post batman....thanks for making it to the end!

I Love...

I love Ben & Jerry's ice cream, peanut butter Twix, chips, fish crackers, rice pouches, pasta pasta pasta...

Source: doobybrain.com via Cherri on Pinterest

But I also love brussel sprouts, a fresh salad, flat bread veggie pizzas, quinoa, turkey burgers....

Source: seriouseats.com via Jerri on Pinterest

So the question is, why do I always go back to the first list? I believe that the answer is time. The first list is done & ready to consume, the second takes some effort and time. This doesn't mix well with my gotta have it NOW personality. I'm not one know for having patience.

I'm not 100% convinced that I have a solution, but I have a idea. Let's face it, all I can do is try and hope for the best. My idea will take time, one large chunk, but hopefully it'll be quick the rest of the time and pay off. I'm going to have a cook day, where I prepare a whole bunch of quick go to snacks, sides, and meals. I want to make my own "Lean Quisine" type freezer food, frozen pizzas, pre-cooked rice & quinoa pouches, and maybe go as far as granola bars & such. Then I know what is in it, how to count it, and that it is good for me.

So let the research begin! Anyone know of some sites with helpful hints, recipes, or ideas.

Disbelief and Downplaying

Once again it is weigh-in day, one of those days that I either look forward to in anticipation of a loss or want to go away because of an expected gain. I have not had a so called bad week since I've begun my journey this time, so I have been eager for Monday's to see how much farther I've gone. I'm sure at some point in time I will have a bad week, such is life, until then come on Monday's.

I did notice however, that I am a little leery of celebrating the scale. It's like I don't believe it or I'm waiting for it to throw out some outrageous number when I least expect it. Then when it tells me something great, I downplay it and don't let myself get too excited. For example, last week I lost 3.4 lbs, and the only thing I could think of is that I better be really careful for the next week.  Otherwise, I would be disappointed with the number I saw next. I was happy with the number, but holding back, like I couldn't REALLY believe it without confirmation.

This morning I got my confirmation for last week, I was down 4.2 (for a total of 32.4 lbs).  And what did I immediately think, "ooohhhh this might not be good for next week!"  Not AWESOME, woot woot, or praise God! What is with that?

I'm fairly sure I know the answer to that.   If I don't let myself get too excited then I can't be too disappointed when I fail. Now, before you get all up in my face, I know that this is STUPID! It's how I am, very guarded (non-emotional), as is the family I come from. This is something I want to change on this journey too!

I want to say "I love you" to my Mom when I leave or hug my sister and it's not just weird. That's just how it is, but not with my own little family. We hug, kiss, and say I love you, but I started that from the beginning and it's "normal". I want to share my emotions with more than my little family and not be scared to be disappointed sometimes. I start now, no more downplaying!

"I TOTALLY ROCKED IT LAST WEEK!!!!"

Setting Yourself Up

People often talk about setting themselves up for failure, but you don't often hear about them setting themselves up for success. I think that it is easy to get lost and focus on the negatives of life, I for one am trying to teach my children to flop that process around. I feel that it is my job as their mother!

We all know the good ol standby sayings:

If you don't have anything nice to say then say nothing at all.

Think of it as the glass is half full, not empty.

Do unto others as you would like others to do unto you.

Words, while important, often get lost upon a child. Which leads me to one of the big ones; actions speak louder than words. This is something that I need to do! Not only to show those around me, but to show myself.

I've been stressing a little bit about the Mother's Day BBQ that I'm going to tomorrow, thinking that I'm gonna either blow it or not be able to eat at all. Today I decided that I am going to do neither. I'm going to set myself up for success instead! I'm bringing a couple of sides I can have and my own turkey burger. Te de, ta da and wa la!

A Change Is Gonna Come

Change.  A good thing, a bad thing???  I for one usually do not like change.  I like my routine, my expected, my guaranteed...I have anxiety (which I medicate) and that does not bode well with change.  But I am also smart, logical, and usually down from the clouds enough to know that change is gonna come!

I look forward to a changing body, wait, do I?  Honestly, I am anxious about aging, sagging skin from weight loss, cheater readers, and many more things that I have yet to experience.  Yesterday I struggled with anxiety and doom (even after taking my medicine the night before).  Most of it comes from my OCD and chaos in my life...if I could just be in charge of EVERYTHING it would all be good.  Today I am doing better, thanks to another dose of medicine last night.  Today I feel "normal" and ready to face the world and the change that comes with it.

How about if that change came soon enough to wear these ------->
This is a pile of 12 or more pairs of capris (all about the same size) that are too small for me.  When I started this journey wearing these seemed like a distant pipe dream.  When I originally tried a pair on, I couldn't even get each side of the zipper within 4" of each other.  Don't you just love the way the photo turned out?  It looks like there is an aura of goodness surrounding these capris.

Now just imagine my surprise (or just look at the photo), when I tried on that same pair the other day and zipped them.  They are NO where near public display worthy, but they were on.  I want this pile to get me through the warmer months, then be so big come fall, I won't be sad to see them go with the arrival of colder weather.  This is the kind of change that I think I can live with!!

You Are Not My Friend

I've recently wondered if I was having issues (as in I feel like I may puke and die) when I eat eggs and today I believe I have confirmed it.  I had two eggs for breakfast and have felt awful all day.

I had a similar thing happen the last time I lost a substantial amount of weight, but it was avocados.  It makes me feel like I have the cold sweats, burps, and a general I am going to be sick feeling.  I think it is my gallbladder, but why when I am losing and getting healthy and not when I was just eating crap? Any ideas, anyone??

I really like them both, but they are not my friends anymore!!

Slow & Steady Wins the Race

Lately with everything that I do, I don't feel like I get as much accomplished as I had either planned or thought that I could.  We moved into our house on the 4th of July last year, and as we start to near the 1 year mark of living here, I can't help but feel like there is still so much that I want to do.  Sometimes I feel like what I have accomplished pales in comparison with what I WANT to accomplish.  Then I remind myself that I lived in my last house 6 years and the one before that for 8 years, so of course they were how I wanted them (or close to it).

I've been feeling that way about my weight loss too!  I lost another 1.2 lbs for a total of 24.8, and as much as that makes me happy, I feel like it's also going so slow.  I'm trying to give myself a reality check today by repeating to myself, "slow and steady wins the race"!  I'm not as young as I use to be when I could shed the weight quickly, but then again I never kept it off either.  It's taken me quite some time to gain this much and as much as it makes me want to puke a little in my mouth to hear the good 'ol bit of wisdom...you can't lose it over night...I will accept it!  Why?  Because this time I want to WIN the race.

Such a Busy Day

Today my oldest daughter had a party for her 11th birthday, complete with 14 friends! I must be crazy! I did put a limit on the slumberers, only 3. After a few of the party goers left, my hubby wanted to know if I had taken one of my "crazy pills" and surprisingly I said no or not yet anyway! There was, however, a glass of wine calling my name.

The day started with a hair cut for both my daughter and me, she got her nails painted too. Then we had to take my Grandfather some crackers. He recently moved into an assisted living and is really struggling with his loss of "freedom". Then off to get the rest of the party supplies and a new outfit for her. That's when the fun began!

I did get to partake in the "cake" because she decided to go with angel food cake & fresh fruit. It was delicious! I had to have extra strawberries. Because I was so busy today I really didn't eat enough. I got in the correct amount of calories, but not healthy enough food. This makes me ponder two things...

-Am I going to be hungry tomorrow and pay for it then?

-I really can control quantity when quality is not the best.

Now for some sleep!!