I Don't Want To Forget

I was lying in bed the other night and it just hit me like a ton of bricks, I don't want to forget being fat.  It is something that I want to leave behind for good and never look back, but I DO.NOT.WANT.TO.EVER.FORGET!  I'm worried I will.

You see when I think about anything from the past all I really remember are the good times.  Sure I can tell you stories of bad or painful things, for example having my last two kids turned while still in my stomach.  I know it hurt, I was there, but it is not something I think about or even really remember the exact feelings of.  I also know that when my husband and I were divorced I was sad and lonely, but I never think about it or remember specific feelings.  I just remember other things, usually the ones that make me smile. Things like how my oldest daughter use to say the word tiger or my son said French fry, I can actually still hear it in my head.

When I think about my life I KNOW beyond a shadow of a doubt that I have been truly blessed.  I've been through things that have made me cry, scream, and even crawl under the table...but that's not what I remember.  If I'm mad today, chances are a good nights sleep is all I need for it to be over.  I'm not sure I can even tell you what a grudge is, other than what the dictionary tells me.

As I've unpacked boxes of smaller clothes and sorted through them I've been hit with feelings of overwhelming happiness.  Not entirely due to the fact that they're smaller and fit, but from the memories they evoke from when I wore them last.  I can see the past smiling back at me reminding me how lovely it was.  I can even FEEL physical reactions within.  Somewhere deep in my mind something says, you know it wasn't all rosy, but I'll be damned if I can remember.

I guess what I want to know is if this is normal?  Am I alone here or possibly just in denial?  Or have I just been blessed with a very special gift, to be able to let go.

This is something I am thankful for, but it scares me when it comes to my weight loss.  I'm scared that I'll get to where I want to go and because I won't remember, the weight will come back.  I feel like I'm already starting to forget sometimes.  I don't want to forget being uncomfortable, unable to fit in chairs, unhappy with my physical self.  I don't want forget feeling hopeless when shopping because I was unable to buy bigger clothes, I already wore the largest size they sold. I want to remember weighing 369 pounds, because I don't ever want to be there or even here again.

My first major weight loss goal was to lose 100 pounds. As I near this mark (less than 9 lbs to go) I find myself thinking a lot about what my next move is going to be.  I don't know if its just the season, but I feel a little bit lax in my efforts lately.  The scale is still moving in the right direction, (I updated my ticker total at the bottom since I'm too lazy to see where I was when I last weighed-in) so I am not being too hard on myself.  However, I'm ready to charge ahead and my next move is bouncing around somewhere in this head of mine.

So Much Going On In Here

My mind is whirling.  I have so much that I've been thinking about, dealing with, or hiding from.  Now more than ever I feel the urge to turn to food, to seek my favorite comfort.  I haven't though.  I am VERY aware of it and fighting it with all I have.  I SOOOO wanted a peanut butter Twix yesterday, so I told my husband yesterday that today on his way home from work to stop and get me one.  I told him NO kingsize, just a two bar pack he can put in the fridge. I like them cold.  It's still in the fridge tonight and I am okay, sipping on a glass of wine instead.

Even though I've resisted the urges I have felt my eating slip onto a more lenient path.  I am trying to take care of some issues and I plan to focus on my healthy eating this week.  Will power will only take me so far, I MUST make the changes needed to deal with life.  I feel like this has been the first test and I am happy to at least see it.

On a totally unrelated note....I went through all my clothes & have a huge pile of too big.  This is good! I'm torn about what to do with them though.  I feel like I should box them up and keep them "just in case", but I also don't want to because this time is suppose to be "it"!  I keep wavering back & forth between what I want to be true & all the previous failed attempts.  I think if I keep them then I doubt myself, but if I get rid of them then that's silliness based on the past. Help!?!?

There's No Way It Wasn't Monday

The calendar said that it was Wednesday, but that just cannot be possible!  It was definitely one of those days.

It started with not wanting to get out of bed, a baby who's diaper leaked, kids that were not dressed appropriately for chapel at school today (when it was time to walk out the door), another upset tummy day, and on and on...

I made myself eat throughout the day and I made myself think about the fact that if this is as bad as it gets then you've got it good.  It helped...until alone time tonight.

I'm faced with making some decisions in regards to my eldest baby girl's education and I don't want to.  No matter what decision I make someone is going to be unhappy and I truly don't think that there is just one perfect solution.  I am trying to take time, gather information responsibly, and make a well informed choice that will be the best in the long run. Oh how I hate big/important choices.

Since I haven't been able to resolve the situation as of yet,  it's affecting all my other decision making abilities.  I literally have one check blank left and I've been looking at checks for three days and still haven't ordered any.  I also couldn't decide that one treat this evening was enough, I had to have two.

Maybe I'll wait until my hubby gets back in town tomorrow and make him make all the choices. No?! Well it was a thought.  Instead I will leave you with this thought and it made me feel a whole lot better because....

Source: midwesternmoms.com via Wendie on Pinterest

I've Gone Crazy!

This here is a come clean post...but also a search for answers to my bewilderment.

The last 2 weeks I have done nothing but eat and unhealthily none the less. It didn't start off entirely bad, but oh the progression. It all starts with my Mom telling me to take a small break from tracking, so you see it's her fault...just kidding Mom!!! I'm sure by now that my weight is up like 5 pounds, however I am too much in denial to actually compare it with my last recorded weight. Because that makes it go away you know, not!

My real issue is this...I've started reading Bob Harper's book "The Skinny Rules" and it's like I went off the deep end. Now let me clarify that I did not give myself any time limits, start dates, or even say that I was FOR SURE going to jump completely on board with this plan. My mind however must have heard some warning siren that I didn't. I have been eating CRAP! and lots of it. Why do I do this? I haven't even said no to myself, but I'm acting like the end is near. I like to think of myself as a logical person, but this is just plum loco.

Source: Uploaded by user via Wendie on Pinterest

I've still been walking and trying to get a bit of exercise, but I would have to walk forever to undo this. I know what I want, I think, so....

Why, I say, why?

Refocusing

I have a lot on my mind so this post may ramble a bit, go one direction, and then totally change to another topic.   Hopefully by the end some of my thoughts will make sense and you'll understand where I'm at...physically, mentally, and emotionally.

I lost focus...I wanted to say screw it...I wanted to say who cares, but I do!  I've mentioned my struggles, some of my thoughts about food, and maybe some solutions in previous posts.  What I did with all of that is nothing!  Why?   I needed to clear my head, there was so much going on in there. 

I joke about me and OCD, but sometimes it's soooooo not funny!!  This blog, my "journey", all this was not suppose to be about dieting.  It was suppose to be about getting healthy, fit, living a life, and doing things with my family.  Things that I couldn't do sitting on the couch and getting fatter.  But it became just that, a diet.  I was struggling mentally!  Every time I've ever dieted it's been a total obsessive/compulsive struggle of will power and perfection.  All or none.

That is where I was headed again.  As the scale went down I knew that if I tried just a little harder then I could succeed faster.  I was having total anxiety moments fixing lunch for my kids.  If I got food/sauce on my fingers, I panicked.  Holly cow I almost licked a finger...the shame of those extra sauce calories.  I DO NOT WANT TO LIVE LIKE THAT!!!

What I had yet to do was get active.  Sure I picked up on my daily activity, did some chores that I'd put off, worked on the yard with my hubby, mowed the lawn, etc. A lot of it though is truly just what comes with warmer weather and more time outside.  I was still steering clear of actual honest to goodness exercise,  activity done totally for the purpose of improving my fitness level.  Why?  It scares me.  What if I fail or worse yet I become obsessive about it too.

You know what I did?  Friday I put my baby in her stroller, got the other two on bikes, and went for a walk.  A walk and no one made me.  I even had fun....ssshhhh!  I haven't just walked since I was FIRST pregnant with my sweet baby almost two years ago.  You know what else I did?  I played basketball tonight.  I was sweating and even warning my hubby that I may have to lay down in the driveway so they could do a chalk outline.  I was dying!  Guess what...I had fun and right now as I type this I feel good.

I haven't tracked my food or tried very hard for several weeks.  I truly think that I eat more when I track.  By golly if I have calories left, they're my calories, and I am going to use every last one.  I begin (here comes that word again) obsessing about everything:

• how much can eat
• when should I eat again
• how much should I eat for a given meal
• should I save calories for later in case I get hungry
• that doesn't have a lot of calories so I can eat 3x's more than I would eat normally

What all of that doesn't deal with or focus on is hunger and nutrition!  Should I be eating just because a number says I can?  Should I eat extra just because it fits within the numbers?  And truly, you can have a ton of empty calorie (non nutritious) snacks and still lose weigh, but I want to feel good too.

Do you want to guess about one more thing?  My weight was at an all new low this morning.  What strange things happen when I stop obsessing.

So I guess what I am trying to say is that I am refocusing and trying to figure out what will work for me.  I want to shift the focus back to health, fitness, and the journey of living my life with my family.  I don't want to be a bystander in my life.

Questions I'm still trying to answer:

• Do I still weigh? How often? Do I log it?
• Do I still need to count calories/points/proteins something?  Or do I pay attention to me.
• Do I get structured on exercise or wing it?
• Do I go get my head examined?? :-)

Holy post batman....thanks for making it to the end!

I Love...

I love Ben & Jerry's ice cream, peanut butter Twix, chips, fish crackers, rice pouches, pasta pasta pasta...

Source: doobybrain.com via Cherri on Pinterest

But I also love brussel sprouts, a fresh salad, flat bread veggie pizzas, quinoa, turkey burgers....

Source: seriouseats.com via Jerri on Pinterest

So the question is, why do I always go back to the first list? I believe that the answer is time. The first list is done & ready to consume, the second takes some effort and time. This doesn't mix well with my gotta have it NOW personality. I'm not one know for having patience.

I'm not 100% convinced that I have a solution, but I have a idea. Let's face it, all I can do is try and hope for the best. My idea will take time, one large chunk, but hopefully it'll be quick the rest of the time and pay off. I'm going to have a cook day, where I prepare a whole bunch of quick go to snacks, sides, and meals. I want to make my own "Lean Quisine" type freezer food, frozen pizzas, pre-cooked rice & quinoa pouches, and maybe go as far as granola bars & such. Then I know what is in it, how to count it, and that it is good for me.

So let the research begin! Anyone know of some sites with helpful hints, recipes, or ideas.

Underwear

One of my kids' favorite jokes is, "Hey look under there!" To which you reply, "Under where?" Then they giggle and laugh while saying, "I made you say underwear!"

This of course brings me to a much more serious issue, underwear! I hate them, but I gotta have them.

**WARNING*** TMI about to occur for some people, read on at your own risk.

Let me start by describing some of my current issues:

Silky Pretty Pair - They twist & turn and literally make my pants turn sideways. Also, they're inevitably up the cheek on one side.

Cotton Bikini - They roll! They're constantly under the belly roll and I spend my day unrolling them...literally the day!

Cotton High-Cut Brief - I don't really enjoy my underwear sticking 4ft out of the top of my pants!!

Seamless Something or Others - These were recommended to me to help alleviate the roll down issue, which they succeed at, but only at the expense of riding way up the arse. And they are not a thong.

Boy Shorts - Just wrong, that's all I have to say! I carry weight like a woman, I am NO boy!

Source: Uploaded by user via Wendie on Pinterest

See my issue? What is a girl to do? In my younger, non-fat years, I was a thong wearer and I've considered giving it another go. Couldn't possible be worse could it?

Can anyone help? Do you have issues your own? I would love to hear!

Goals... Maybe Not For Me?

I find myself with a bit of a dilemma. I feel like goals are not for me. This is not to say that I am content where I am at, that I am unmotivated, that I do not want to succeed. What it feels like is that I am a rebelling child, you tell me what to do and I'll do the opposite just to make you mad. It also makes me obsessed. Tell me I cannot weigh, for example, and that is all I am going to think about all week.

There are things that I want though. Ideas in my head of where I "think" I should/could be at given times in the future. How do I get there if I don't have goals?


I am obsessive/compulsive by nature, does my answer lie there? Do I trust myself & where I am headed? Do I get there when I get there? Or do I push myself? I truly do not know!