Nemesis

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately about how far I've come and how much farther I need to go.  I have several reoccurring thoughts that I need to address, but the one that I try to avoid talking about the most need to deal with is exercise.

I struggle with exercise. True I am uncoordinated, but I mean in a more mental way.  I like to consider myself a very logical person and as such I know that exercises is one of the best things I can do.  Not just for my body, but also for my weight loss journey.  Logical, easy, lets do it, right? Ummm, not so much.

Logic is one thing, OCD is another.  I really struggle with doing new things because I have this mental need to be successful/perfect from the start.  It truly becomes a battle of the mind.  My logical (and much smarter) side gets that this is not possible, while at the same time my obsessive side expects perfection.

Then there is the possibility of weight gain when beginning exercise.  I know this fact, logically, but you try convincing me of that when I see the gain.  Not to mention that this is suppose to be a journey about health, not weight loss.  I just always seem to get all caught up in things in my head.  A battle of wills.  Maybe I don't give myself enough credit, but past experience points to the OCD winning taking control.

I've seriously been considering setting some goals for myself.  Maybe tricking allowing myself to take smaller steps towards success.  But alas, this brings up the issues I have with goals, which basically brings us right back around to my OCD.  I've mentioned before that goals are hard for me.  It brings out the little obsessive monster inside me.  I become very all or none.  All is not necessarily bad in this case, but I tend to push until I can't go anymore and then I'm done.  Maybe what I need is someone to hold my hand?!

There is nothing like a little weight loss to make you start having to deal with all the other issues.  This is not an issue I will give up on.  I just don't have it all worked out yet.  Besides, how could I forget when this....

stares at me every morning when I get out of bed.

So Much Going On In Here

My mind is whirling.  I have so much that I've been thinking about, dealing with, or hiding from.  Now more than ever I feel the urge to turn to food, to seek my favorite comfort.  I haven't though.  I am VERY aware of it and fighting it with all I have.  I SOOOO wanted a peanut butter Twix yesterday, so I told my husband yesterday that today on his way home from work to stop and get me one.  I told him NO kingsize, just a two bar pack he can put in the fridge. I like them cold.  It's still in the fridge tonight and I am okay, sipping on a glass of wine instead.

Even though I've resisted the urges I have felt my eating slip onto a more lenient path.  I am trying to take care of some issues and I plan to focus on my healthy eating this week.  Will power will only take me so far, I MUST make the changes needed to deal with life.  I feel like this has been the first test and I am happy to at least see it.

On a totally unrelated note....I went through all my clothes & have a huge pile of too big.  This is good! I'm torn about what to do with them though.  I feel like I should box them up and keep them "just in case", but I also don't want to because this time is suppose to be "it"!  I keep wavering back & forth between what I want to be true & all the previous failed attempts.  I think if I keep them then I doubt myself, but if I get rid of them then that's silliness based on the past. Help!?!?

There's No Way It Wasn't Monday

The calendar said that it was Wednesday, but that just cannot be possible!  It was definitely one of those days.

It started with not wanting to get out of bed, a baby who's diaper leaked, kids that were not dressed appropriately for chapel at school today (when it was time to walk out the door), another upset tummy day, and on and on...

I made myself eat throughout the day and I made myself think about the fact that if this is as bad as it gets then you've got it good.  It helped...until alone time tonight.

I'm faced with making some decisions in regards to my eldest baby girl's education and I don't want to.  No matter what decision I make someone is going to be unhappy and I truly don't think that there is just one perfect solution.  I am trying to take time, gather information responsibly, and make a well informed choice that will be the best in the long run. Oh how I hate big/important choices.

Since I haven't been able to resolve the situation as of yet,  it's affecting all my other decision making abilities.  I literally have one check blank left and I've been looking at checks for three days and still haven't ordered any.  I also couldn't decide that one treat this evening was enough, I had to have two.

Maybe I'll wait until my hubby gets back in town tomorrow and make him make all the choices. No?! Well it was a thought.  Instead I will leave you with this thought and it made me feel a whole lot better because....

Source: midwesternmoms.com via Wendie on Pinterest

Unsettled

Do you ever have one of those days where you just feel unsettled?  I am having that problem huge today.  I've had a tummy ache since I woke up, lots of things on my plate today, my hubby left town again, and some unsettling mail.  I really want to take one of my "crazy" pills, but I am worried about getting too sleepy.  I guess it'll have to wait until later.  I usually like Monday's, but today can just be done!

Today I am trying to remind myself to eat because I should...yeah weird having to do that.  That is usually NOT an issue for me.  I'm also trying to remember that in the scheme of life it's not that bad and at least my kids are being fairly well behaved today.

I've still been really busy lately, but I am hoping after my littlest person's doctor appointment tomorrow morning that it slows down.  My other two register for school this afternoon and I really need some groceries, so we will see what gets done.  Hopefully tomorrow I can update how the diet is going and record my current weight loss totals.  This is one thing that I am settled about, I've been doing good.

So Busy

I meant to post yesterday, but I have been so busy.  Last weekend my family and I went out of town and then my hubby had to leave Monday morning to work out of town.  Then throw in a trip to Target and Costco, not to mention we have swimming lessons every day this week.  It definitely makes for a more hectic day when the hubby doesn't get to come home for a bit of a reprieve.  However, he is good at putting everything in perspective for me, even over the phone.  We have been keeping busy and managing just fine, but I can't lie, I cannot wait for him to get home.

I do have good news to report, the eating front has been spot on.  I went out of town and kept right on trucking.  I made sure to pack appropriately and be prepared.  While we were gone I also got in a bike ride and a bit of swimming.  It was so much fun.  All of my hard work paid off and yesterday I recorded a 2 lbs loss for a total of 42.4 lbs. Yay!!

I have noticed something in the last couple of evenings though, I am craving/wanting some unhealthy foods.  I think that I have decided it is from boredom and loneliness.  It hits after I have put the kids to bed, when I usually sit and relax with the hubby after a long day.  I've managed so far, drank a big glass of water and had a healthy snack, but I definitely want the hubby home.

I'm going to try to get some photos posted from our weekend away, it just may take a couple of days. Here's to a GREAT rest of the week!

Dieter's Prison

Whenever I put myself on a strict "diet" I always feel deprived, like I've had something taken away from me. My own little dieter's prison! I do well in the beginning, watching my behavior, then all hell breaks loose. I rebel like I am trying to prove a point, but to whom I am not sure. I end up only hurting myself and right back where I was trying to escape from.

That is why I am trying to do things differently this time. Nothing has worked in the past. It's time to change my ways. There is only one problem...that old me, that old mindset, it is still lurking in there. The one who says all or none. The one who berates me for screwing up. The one who expects perfection. I'm trying to deal with her, but she is strong and has been with me for a very long time. All I know for sure is that I will never stop trying.

Source: colorlines.com via meshDETECT on Pinterest

I have a friend who really is in prison (if you must know it's for embezzling) and sometimes I admit I'm jealous. Only of the weight loss, don't get me wrong. She went in at 215+ I believe and when I talked to her the other day she was down to 158. Maybe there needs to be a REAL dieter's prison. A place you're sent when you treat your body, your temple, without regard. It is a crime unto you, is it not? Only, I'll need a house keeper and a nanny while I'm gone...

Embarrassed

I am sitting here eating (steamed carrots, cauliflower, & sugar snap peas) thinking that I need to post to my blog. And I am not sure if you noticed or not, but the posting has been a bit infrequent lately. Then it just hit me....I am embarrassed!!

Embarrassed that I've failed gained weight. It's sent me into the crazy diet thought process land. You know the one.... I'll do it tomorrow, one last cheat, might as well I was already bad, well tomorrow is the 4th better wait till after that...

I've decided right now that I WILL NOT be embarrassed. Besides, those who really know me know that I really don't care what others think. Maybe I was just embarrassed at myself? Well no more! I've still lost weight, my activity level is definitely improving all the time, and I know how to do this.

Here is my most current weigh-in, because who knows when I last posted it... +5 lbs for a total of -29.2 lbs.

Now if you'll excuse me I am going to finish my veggies and get on with it!

Yesterday

Yesterday I tried two new things.

The first was Map My Walk. I only went for a very short walk because the mosquitos were trying to carry me and the baby away. There was a small glitch in my route recording too...apparently I am a world record holder with just over a 2 minute mile. Not sure what went wrong, but I'll try it again. Anyone else use this app?


The second thing I did was go for a bike ride with my entire family. I was in the lead, so I kept pushing myself to go harder. Didn't want them waiting on ol' mom. I also used Mapping My Walk (Ride) with a little more success than earlier. No records on the bike. What I haven't figured out yet though was why I had to pull the baby trailer?

Our Rides

Baby's New Helmet

Still struggling with the eating, but I'm still trying...and I am still moving!

I've Gone Crazy!

This here is a come clean post...but also a search for answers to my bewilderment.

The last 2 weeks I have done nothing but eat and unhealthily none the less. It didn't start off entirely bad, but oh the progression. It all starts with my Mom telling me to take a small break from tracking, so you see it's her fault...just kidding Mom!!! I'm sure by now that my weight is up like 5 pounds, however I am too much in denial to actually compare it with my last recorded weight. Because that makes it go away you know, not!

My real issue is this...I've started reading Bob Harper's book "The Skinny Rules" and it's like I went off the deep end. Now let me clarify that I did not give myself any time limits, start dates, or even say that I was FOR SURE going to jump completely on board with this plan. My mind however must have heard some warning siren that I didn't. I have been eating CRAP! and lots of it. Why do I do this? I haven't even said no to myself, but I'm acting like the end is near. I like to think of myself as a logical person, but this is just plum loco.

Source: Uploaded by user via Wendie on Pinterest

I've still been walking and trying to get a bit of exercise, but I would have to walk forever to undo this. I know what I want, I think, so....

Why, I say, why?

I'm Here...

I have so much to say and so little time!  I signed up to take part in a 100 card swap (I make cards too) and the deadline is upon me.  I also had a BBQ shindig last Saturday that I was planning and prepping for.  I promise a good post within the next couple of days.  I want to talk about a lot things, including the book I am reading and the fact that I have not been doing so hot.  Even though my hubby says that all of the sudden I got "skinnier"!  Go figure.

For the time being I am following the note in the picture!!  Be back soon.

Refocusing

I have a lot on my mind so this post may ramble a bit, go one direction, and then totally change to another topic.   Hopefully by the end some of my thoughts will make sense and you'll understand where I'm at...physically, mentally, and emotionally.

I lost focus...I wanted to say screw it...I wanted to say who cares, but I do!  I've mentioned my struggles, some of my thoughts about food, and maybe some solutions in previous posts.  What I did with all of that is nothing!  Why?   I needed to clear my head, there was so much going on in there. 

I joke about me and OCD, but sometimes it's soooooo not funny!!  This blog, my "journey", all this was not suppose to be about dieting.  It was suppose to be about getting healthy, fit, living a life, and doing things with my family.  Things that I couldn't do sitting on the couch and getting fatter.  But it became just that, a diet.  I was struggling mentally!  Every time I've ever dieted it's been a total obsessive/compulsive struggle of will power and perfection.  All or none.

That is where I was headed again.  As the scale went down I knew that if I tried just a little harder then I could succeed faster.  I was having total anxiety moments fixing lunch for my kids.  If I got food/sauce on my fingers, I panicked.  Holly cow I almost licked a finger...the shame of those extra sauce calories.  I DO NOT WANT TO LIVE LIKE THAT!!!

What I had yet to do was get active.  Sure I picked up on my daily activity, did some chores that I'd put off, worked on the yard with my hubby, mowed the lawn, etc. A lot of it though is truly just what comes with warmer weather and more time outside.  I was still steering clear of actual honest to goodness exercise,  activity done totally for the purpose of improving my fitness level.  Why?  It scares me.  What if I fail or worse yet I become obsessive about it too.

You know what I did?  Friday I put my baby in her stroller, got the other two on bikes, and went for a walk.  A walk and no one made me.  I even had fun....ssshhhh!  I haven't just walked since I was FIRST pregnant with my sweet baby almost two years ago.  You know what else I did?  I played basketball tonight.  I was sweating and even warning my hubby that I may have to lay down in the driveway so they could do a chalk outline.  I was dying!  Guess what...I had fun and right now as I type this I feel good.

I haven't tracked my food or tried very hard for several weeks.  I truly think that I eat more when I track.  By golly if I have calories left, they're my calories, and I am going to use every last one.  I begin (here comes that word again) obsessing about everything:

• how much can eat
• when should I eat again
• how much should I eat for a given meal
• should I save calories for later in case I get hungry
• that doesn't have a lot of calories so I can eat 3x's more than I would eat normally

What all of that doesn't deal with or focus on is hunger and nutrition!  Should I be eating just because a number says I can?  Should I eat extra just because it fits within the numbers?  And truly, you can have a ton of empty calorie (non nutritious) snacks and still lose weigh, but I want to feel good too.

Do you want to guess about one more thing?  My weight was at an all new low this morning.  What strange things happen when I stop obsessing.

So I guess what I am trying to say is that I am refocusing and trying to figure out what will work for me.  I want to shift the focus back to health, fitness, and the journey of living my life with my family.  I don't want to be a bystander in my life.

Questions I'm still trying to answer:

• Do I still weigh? How often? Do I log it?
• Do I still need to count calories/points/proteins something?  Or do I pay attention to me.
• Do I get structured on exercise or wing it?
• Do I go get my head examined?? :-)

Holy post batman....thanks for making it to the end!

Check In

It amazes me how fast and busy the summer days can be. Tomorrow my sweet baby boy (he's my middle child) turns 7 years old and it seem like just yesterday he was my baby.

So... I thought that I needed to take a minute to check in and report on my progress. In my case it seems to be lack thereof. I've never really gotten totally back with it since my Grandma passed, but I don't want that to be, nor do I think that is the reason (excuse). What I've been struggling with lately is... "what's the point!"

I talked in my last post about the want it now food mentality and I really think that is one of the issues. I also think that when I start thinking about where I need to go & how far it is, I tend to get a little overwhelmed. And what originally started as a healthy lifestyle quest has turned into "just a diet"! I don't want to be on a diet, cuz isn't a diet just what someone eats... Good, bad, or other?

I will not give up though!! I neither gained or lost last week, but I think I got a bit lucky there. I'm gonna keep moving forward and I'm gonna start by buying a bike. I've got it all picked out & everything. All I can do is keep trying, and I will.