I Don't Want To Forget

I was lying in bed the other night and it just hit me like a ton of bricks, I don't want to forget being fat.  It is something that I want to leave behind for good and never look back, but I DO.NOT.WANT.TO.EVER.FORGET!  I'm worried I will.

You see when I think about anything from the past all I really remember are the good times.  Sure I can tell you stories of bad or painful things, for example having my last two kids turned while still in my stomach.  I know it hurt, I was there, but it is not something I think about or even really remember the exact feelings of.  I also know that when my husband and I were divorced I was sad and lonely, but I never think about it or remember specific feelings.  I just remember other things, usually the ones that make me smile. Things like how my oldest daughter use to say the word tiger or my son said French fry, I can actually still hear it in my head.

When I think about my life I KNOW beyond a shadow of a doubt that I have been truly blessed.  I've been through things that have made me cry, scream, and even crawl under the table...but that's not what I remember.  If I'm mad today, chances are a good nights sleep is all I need for it to be over.  I'm not sure I can even tell you what a grudge is, other than what the dictionary tells me.

As I've unpacked boxes of smaller clothes and sorted through them I've been hit with feelings of overwhelming happiness.  Not entirely due to the fact that they're smaller and fit, but from the memories they evoke from when I wore them last.  I can see the past smiling back at me reminding me how lovely it was.  I can even FEEL physical reactions within.  Somewhere deep in my mind something says, you know it wasn't all rosy, but I'll be damned if I can remember.

I guess what I want to know is if this is normal?  Am I alone here or possibly just in denial?  Or have I just been blessed with a very special gift, to be able to let go.

This is something I am thankful for, but it scares me when it comes to my weight loss.  I'm scared that I'll get to where I want to go and because I won't remember, the weight will come back.  I feel like I'm already starting to forget sometimes.  I don't want to forget being uncomfortable, unable to fit in chairs, unhappy with my physical self.  I don't want forget feeling hopeless when shopping because I was unable to buy bigger clothes, I already wore the largest size they sold. I want to remember weighing 369 pounds, because I don't ever want to be there or even here again.

My first major weight loss goal was to lose 100 pounds. As I near this mark (less than 9 lbs to go) I find myself thinking a lot about what my next move is going to be.  I don't know if its just the season, but I feel a little bit lax in my efforts lately.  The scale is still moving in the right direction, (I updated my ticker total at the bottom since I'm too lazy to see where I was when I last weighed-in) so I am not being too hard on myself.  However, I'm ready to charge ahead and my next move is bouncing around somewhere in this head of mine.

A Different Kind of Weigh-In

I didn't post my weigh-in last week and it had nothing to do with it not being good.  In fact I had an awesome loss of 3.6 pounds.  The reason I didn't post is that I was conflicted and to be quite honest I still am.

I've been thinking a lot about what exactly this blog is for me, how much to share, how much hard stuff to put out there, who I am doing it for,  and so much more.  I've been definite in my answers to myself at some points and wavering to the extremes at others.  Here is where I think I stand on some of my issues right now...

This blog is for ME.

It's where I can share a difficult journey with anyone interested.

It's a place where I can be held accountable and seek input.

It's a way for me to say things I need to express but maybe need to hide behind my blog to do it.

It's where I can go to see that other people out there struggle and succeed too.

I want it to be a place where I can be honest and not just sugar coat everything.

Unfortunately this is not exactly how it has worked out all the time.  When I struggled a while back I stopped posting because no one wanted to hear about a failure on a health/weight loss blog, right?!(I'm over the failure thing so no need to comment on that.)  I also struggle with posting some truths that I think are very important to my journey, such as my before pictures.  It is hard for me to say out loud things that embarrass me and I'm not talking about normal embarrassment type things like farts.   Those things don't bug me, it's those things which usually make me feel like a failure.  You know the whole OCD I am perfect in every way or I don't try mentality.

This brings me to the subject of how much is too much, too personal, or otherwise not relevant to share.  Right now I would say nothing is.  Truth is, the harder it is to share the more it probably should be.  I'm realizing this is as much a mental journey as a physical one.  I need to accept the truths completely, honestly, and openly because only then can I change.

Now the reason behind my conflict last week....I was celebrating a milestone.  In order to share this celebration with you I would have had to post a truth that I didn't think I could, should, or wanted to.  I still don't know if I'm ready, but it is what it is.  Last weeks loss put me at a total of 66.8 lbs but it also put me at 298.8. Finally under 300 lbs for the first time in around six years.  It's hard for me to admit how far I let myself go, how far I still need to go, but it truly is what it is.  Moving on.

Now for my weigh-in this week.  I lost another 2.2 for a total of 69 lbs!  At least I rock..that softens the blow.  Plus I will hopefully never have to say anything like that ever again.

Nemesis

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately about how far I've come and how much farther I need to go.  I have several reoccurring thoughts that I need to address, but the one that I try to avoid talking about the most need to deal with is exercise.

I struggle with exercise. True I am uncoordinated, but I mean in a more mental way.  I like to consider myself a very logical person and as such I know that exercises is one of the best things I can do.  Not just for my body, but also for my weight loss journey.  Logical, easy, lets do it, right? Ummm, not so much.

Logic is one thing, OCD is another.  I really struggle with doing new things because I have this mental need to be successful/perfect from the start.  It truly becomes a battle of the mind.  My logical (and much smarter) side gets that this is not possible, while at the same time my obsessive side expects perfection.

Then there is the possibility of weight gain when beginning exercise.  I know this fact, logically, but you try convincing me of that when I see the gain.  Not to mention that this is suppose to be a journey about health, not weight loss.  I just always seem to get all caught up in things in my head.  A battle of wills.  Maybe I don't give myself enough credit, but past experience points to the OCD winning taking control.

I've seriously been considering setting some goals for myself.  Maybe tricking allowing myself to take smaller steps towards success.  But alas, this brings up the issues I have with goals, which basically brings us right back around to my OCD.  I've mentioned before that goals are hard for me.  It brings out the little obsessive monster inside me.  I become very all or none.  All is not necessarily bad in this case, but I tend to push until I can't go anymore and then I'm done.  Maybe what I need is someone to hold my hand?!

There is nothing like a little weight loss to make you start having to deal with all the other issues.  This is not an issue I will give up on.  I just don't have it all worked out yet.  Besides, how could I forget when this....

stares at me every morning when I get out of bed.

Reality

When people lose weight I think they have this preconceived notion on how it will go and a visual of where they're going to end up.  Ok maybe not all people, but I do.  In the past I've started out strong and then I start getting these mental images of what I'm going to look like and how easy it's going to be.  These images are not necessarily in focus and they may even lack a face, but I can see this shape of the person I think I'm going to become.

In the past, on my many many many "failed" diet attempts, I get discouraged that I am not meeting the goals set forth by these visuals in my head.  Things get harder, life happens, and "reality" sets in.  I'm a "failure", I will never look like I've pictured, why do I even try?

This time it's different.  I've realize something, my "reality" and "failure" were off.  My visuals were impossible misleading and my ideas of easy sailing were wishful thinking.  This is a process, a journey, one that I KNOW without a doubt that I will struggle with.  The difference, I embrace this & will not give up... even if it takes forever.

I also know a few other things.  That person I see in my mind is not me.  I cannot change some thing no matter how much I wish I could.  I will not become petite, for heaven sakes I'm 5'10".  I will not have skinny, sexy legs...that is just not how I am built.  And you know all this skin that covers this body, it's not going to all go away.  I am working on being okay with all of this.

Do you want to know something else?  I like me, I really think I am kind of pretty, & I am trying to be proud of who I am right now.  But, I am also trying to accept how others see me with a little bit a grace instead of disbelief.  My hubby says I am not "kind of pretty", I am beautiful...I don't quite see it that way yet, maybe never, but I am trying.

Source: dontfeelright.tumblr.com via Wendie on Pinterest

I guess what I am saying with all of this is that I am trying to accept that this is a process.  I need to be REAL, accepting, & loving to myself.  I'm not perfect, but when it comes down to it, I really do like me.

Goals... Maybe Not For Me?

I find myself with a bit of a dilemma. I feel like goals are not for me. This is not to say that I am content where I am at, that I am unmotivated, that I do not want to succeed. What it feels like is that I am a rebelling child, you tell me what to do and I'll do the opposite just to make you mad. It also makes me obsessed. Tell me I cannot weigh, for example, and that is all I am going to think about all week.

There are things that I want though. Ideas in my head of where I "think" I should/could be at given times in the future. How do I get there if I don't have goals?


I am obsessive/compulsive by nature, does my answer lie there? Do I trust myself & where I am headed? Do I get there when I get there? Or do I push myself? I truly do not know!

What I Want

Tonight I attended an awards ceremony for my niece who is graduating from high school and I was reminded in a not so fun sort of way why I am doing this blog and taking this journey.  The seats in the auditorium!!  It made me start thinking of things that I want, so I am going to start a list.

I want:

To be able to sit in a chair without worrying about it's size or having to perch on the edge of it.  This is what my nemesis looked like tonight.

To wear a bra that doesn't ride up and underwear that don't roll down under the "belly hang".

To take my kids to an amusement park AND ride the rides with them.

To shop in a "regular" sized store.

To be able to mow the lawn or do yard work without it feeling like I need to rest or die.  Here's a work in progress of my flowerbeds.

To sit in a booth at a restaurant and not worry about fitting.

To ride in the passenger seat of someones car and not feel ginormous.  Or lock the darn seat belt because I pull it out too far when I have to put it on.

To water ski again and take my kids to Bogus (local ski resort).

To be a healthy example for my kids and be here for them as long as I possibly can.
To finish painting my house and not worry about having to be on a ladder.  This is a picture of the wall I did recently and I had to use a 12' ladder. (My husband assured me that it would hold me.)

To polish my toenails without thinking they are soooo far down there and having to hold my breath when I bend in half to reach them.

To have energy.

To not avoid social gatherings, like my husband's Christmas party, because I feel embarrassed.

To value myself for who I am and care enough to take care of me. (This one can be particularly tough, especially when you like taking care of the other people you love.)


I am sure that this is not all....I expect that I will be forever adding to and revising this list, but it's a start to where I want to go on my journey.