There Were No Fireworks

My big goal #1 has been met....as of Saturday morning I have lost 102.2 pounds!  I actually hit the 100 pound mark a couple days before that but didn't think I could/should post about it yet.  It's weird what's been going on in this head of mine and I think that I needed a moment.  Maybe I still do? Now I'm ready to TRY to explain. 

I'm actually struggling, which is weird considering that I've lost more weight than I ever have before.  I have felt myself slip into this attitude of complacency after being on a mission for so long.  It's almost like I am lost.  For a lack of a better way to explain I'm just going to make some lists.

The bad junk:

1. There is something somewhere deep inside of me making me feel like I don't really deserve it.  Like it's not that big of a deal.
2. I've been sick (not with the flu) for so long.  That's the only reason I made it.
3. It was just another day and another weigh-in.  There were no fireworks.
4. Now what? Gaining?
5. Fear (there is a lot of this one)
6. Doubt.  Stop now before I fail.
7. I'm feeling better and the hunger is BACK!!

The good junk:

1. I AM extremely proud. I never thought I'd ever lose any significant amount of weight again.
2. I did do it and I can keep doing it.
3. Christmas last year and this year...pictures don't lie.

As you can see the lists are a little lopsided.  I am a smart & logical person (usually) and I know that I really have accomplished a big thing.  I know I did it,  I know that I can keep doing it!  I just have trouble with the unknown.  What I need is a goal, something to work towards.  I'm not even sure that it needs to be a weight loss number.  I just need a direction, because how can I head in that direction if I don't know where I'm going?

For now I am going take a minute to be proud and celebrate my achievement. Be my own fireworks!  Then I will sit down and map out my path, so that I know where I am heading....

Bandwagon

I've been reading all these blogs and Facebook statuses where people are posting what they are thankful for.  While I find it nice to read a lot of positive things (especially on Facebook) I have to admit that my first reaction was that it's kinda silly.  I immediately thought that I am thankful for ALL of my life and don't need to point out individual parts of it for a month.

All of the above is still true, but I found myself walking around taking note of silly little incidents where I was thankful.  Maybe that is the point of all these random posting, to get us thinking.  I've decided to jump on the bandwagon and blog about what I am thankful for, but I'm going to limit mine to a single post.  Also, while I am incredibly thankful for my family, friends, and life in general I am going to single out some of the random thing that have popped into my mind lately.  Here goes!

I am thankful:

• To be able to stand up and get out of the bathtub without a crane anymore.
• For the new found energy dropping my weight has given me.
• For the time sitting on my baby's bedroom floor playing toys, then getting up without the 45 point turn.
• To be able to squat down and help my kids and then FINALLY be able to just stand back up.
• For the people willing to come up to me and tell me they notice a difference in me and encourage me to keep going. (Which after 80+ pounds has only been 3 people & family doesn't count)
• For the memories I have of the loved ones I've lost. They make the sadness sometimes brought on by the holidays so much easier.
• VERY thankful, for the boxes of smaller clothes stashed in my closet, because without them I might be naked.  I will assume you're thankful for this one too!
• For my husband and his job and everything it provides us with.
• For my hairdresser who I don't see nearly often enough, but she still treats me like I'm her best customer ever.
• For the tough times (this is NOT an invitation for more) which make the good times so much better and treasured.
• To not be carrying around my 11 year old daughter everywhere I go.  She weighs less than what I've lost and that perspective is overwhelming.

I'll leave you with this weeks weight loss numbers....

This week: -0.6 lbs

Total: 80.4

A Different Kind of Weigh-In

I didn't post my weigh-in last week and it had nothing to do with it not being good.  In fact I had an awesome loss of 3.6 pounds.  The reason I didn't post is that I was conflicted and to be quite honest I still am.

I've been thinking a lot about what exactly this blog is for me, how much to share, how much hard stuff to put out there, who I am doing it for,  and so much more.  I've been definite in my answers to myself at some points and wavering to the extremes at others.  Here is where I think I stand on some of my issues right now...

This blog is for ME.

It's where I can share a difficult journey with anyone interested.

It's a place where I can be held accountable and seek input.

It's a way for me to say things I need to express but maybe need to hide behind my blog to do it.

It's where I can go to see that other people out there struggle and succeed too.

I want it to be a place where I can be honest and not just sugar coat everything.

Unfortunately this is not exactly how it has worked out all the time.  When I struggled a while back I stopped posting because no one wanted to hear about a failure on a health/weight loss blog, right?!(I'm over the failure thing so no need to comment on that.)  I also struggle with posting some truths that I think are very important to my journey, such as my before pictures.  It is hard for me to say out loud things that embarrass me and I'm not talking about normal embarrassment type things like farts.   Those things don't bug me, it's those things which usually make me feel like a failure.  You know the whole OCD I am perfect in every way or I don't try mentality.

This brings me to the subject of how much is too much, too personal, or otherwise not relevant to share.  Right now I would say nothing is.  Truth is, the harder it is to share the more it probably should be.  I'm realizing this is as much a mental journey as a physical one.  I need to accept the truths completely, honestly, and openly because only then can I change.

Now the reason behind my conflict last week....I was celebrating a milestone.  In order to share this celebration with you I would have had to post a truth that I didn't think I could, should, or wanted to.  I still don't know if I'm ready, but it is what it is.  Last weeks loss put me at a total of 66.8 lbs but it also put me at 298.8. Finally under 300 lbs for the first time in around six years.  It's hard for me to admit how far I let myself go, how far I still need to go, but it truly is what it is.  Moving on.

Now for my weigh-in this week.  I lost another 2.2 for a total of 69 lbs!  At least I rock..that softens the blow.  Plus I will hopefully never have to say anything like that ever again.

It's Official

This morning I weighed-in at the exact same weight I was when I went to deliver my second child over 7 years ago.  If only I were birthing a baby today, not because I want another, but because that sure would be a big boost to the weight loss.

This is both a happy and sad moment. Sad because it's ridiculous I weighed less 9 months pregnant, that it's taken me soooo long to get back here, that I would let myself go like that, etc. Happy because I'm proud of what I've accomplished, proud of where I'm heading, and excited to enter the pre baby #2 territory.

Today I weighed-in with a loss of  5.8 pounds (hot diggity dog) bringing my total to 56.4 pounds. I feel good!