There Were No Fireworks

My big goal #1 has been met....as of Saturday morning I have lost 102.2 pounds!  I actually hit the 100 pound mark a couple days before that but didn't think I could/should post about it yet.  It's weird what's been going on in this head of mine and I think that I needed a moment.  Maybe I still do? Now I'm ready to TRY to explain. 

I'm actually struggling, which is weird considering that I've lost more weight than I ever have before.  I have felt myself slip into this attitude of complacency after being on a mission for so long.  It's almost like I am lost.  For a lack of a better way to explain I'm just going to make some lists.

The bad junk:

1. There is something somewhere deep inside of me making me feel like I don't really deserve it.  Like it's not that big of a deal.
2. I've been sick (not with the flu) for so long.  That's the only reason I made it.
3. It was just another day and another weigh-in.  There were no fireworks.
4. Now what? Gaining?
5. Fear (there is a lot of this one)
6. Doubt.  Stop now before I fail.
7. I'm feeling better and the hunger is BACK!!

The good junk:

1. I AM extremely proud. I never thought I'd ever lose any significant amount of weight again.
2. I did do it and I can keep doing it.
3. Christmas last year and this year...pictures don't lie.

As you can see the lists are a little lopsided.  I am a smart & logical person (usually) and I know that I really have accomplished a big thing.  I know I did it,  I know that I can keep doing it!  I just have trouble with the unknown.  What I need is a goal, something to work towards.  I'm not even sure that it needs to be a weight loss number.  I just need a direction, because how can I head in that direction if I don't know where I'm going?

For now I am going take a minute to be proud and celebrate my achievement. Be my own fireworks!  Then I will sit down and map out my path, so that I know where I am heading....

I Never and Other Reflections

I'm sitting on my couch relaxing while the baby is asleep and waiting to go pick up my other two from school.  I'm freezing, covered with a blanket, catching up on reading blogs.  I've also been thinking a lot, reflecting on the last year and the saying "never say never".

In the not so distant past I would have said....

I'll never lose close to 100 pounds in 2012.  It's just not possible, too insurmountable, to far from anything I can even comprehend.  I'm a lifetime dieter and the most I've ever lost was 85 pounds, so you see, not going to happen.  But it has and it will.  As of yesterday I am down 97 pounds.  Crazy and still incomprehensible.  All I can say is one moment at a time over the course of a year has become more than I could have ever have imagined.  So here's to all my moments to come!

I'm never cold.  I'm always hot.  I never wear sock, only flip-flops.  Two Christmases ago I was 7 months pregnant and roasting.  Last Christmas I was fatter than I was at 7 months pregnant and still roasting.  Any gathering would lead to flushed cheeks, fanning, and wishing I'd worn a short sleeved shirt.  This year I sit here in my fuzzy socks, jeans, shirt and sweatshirt, covered with a fleece blanket and still freezing.  Proof that fat is a great insulator.  Too bad I didn't live in the arctic.

I'm grateful today for many, MANY things.  Better health (even in the midst of the crud I currently have), my family and friends, this my 100th post, support, love, silliness, the sunshine and clouds (but truly it needs to snow...my patience is waning), the good and the bad, EVERYTHING!

I pray for another great year, day, moment.....