Wishywashy

I seem to be all over the place lately.  I'm freezing then I'm hot.  I'm thinking I'm looking thinner and then I feel all fat and bloaty.  I'm spot on with my eating, then I could give a hoot.  I'm motivated to get things done and then all I want to do is sit on my beehoovers.  I know this too shall pass, then I'm impatient for the next step.

At times like these I have to rely on several things.  One, support from my "team". Especially my hubby who gently reminds me that he can remove the chips from my line of vision.  Second, my logical mind.  If I just take a moment I can rationalize everything into a calming spot.  Somewhere that reminds me that I really do know that this is only a moment in the bigger picture.  Thirdly, stopping to take a look at where I've come from and where I want to go.  Being able to see the written and photographic proof here in one spot is a great reminder.  It's also a great way to spur the motivation that is sometimes all I can use to get through moments like these.




I also need to remember what causes some of these feeling in me.  Not eating enough throughout the day (horrible problem I know) and not having the correct groceries in the house are the biggest instigators.  Then, as I'm well aware, the downward slide starts there.  So I've taken action to eat more often and I've gotten some groceries.  Yesterday went well and today is following suit....

My weight was up 2 pounds this week.  This was not an accident or a surprise.  I chose to eat certain things just like I am choosing to get back to it and not dwell on what is.  After all I've still accomplished 103.6 pounds and two pounds in the scheme of that is nothing.

There Were No Fireworks

My big goal #1 has been met....as of Saturday morning I have lost 102.2 pounds!  I actually hit the 100 pound mark a couple days before that but didn't think I could/should post about it yet.  It's weird what's been going on in this head of mine and I think that I needed a moment.  Maybe I still do? Now I'm ready to TRY to explain. 

I'm actually struggling, which is weird considering that I've lost more weight than I ever have before.  I have felt myself slip into this attitude of complacency after being on a mission for so long.  It's almost like I am lost.  For a lack of a better way to explain I'm just going to make some lists.

The bad junk:

1. There is something somewhere deep inside of me making me feel like I don't really deserve it.  Like it's not that big of a deal.
2. I've been sick (not with the flu) for so long.  That's the only reason I made it.
3. It was just another day and another weigh-in.  There were no fireworks.
4. Now what? Gaining?
5. Fear (there is a lot of this one)
6. Doubt.  Stop now before I fail.
7. I'm feeling better and the hunger is BACK!!

The good junk:

1. I AM extremely proud. I never thought I'd ever lose any significant amount of weight again.
2. I did do it and I can keep doing it.
3. Christmas last year and this year...pictures don't lie.

As you can see the lists are a little lopsided.  I am a smart & logical person (usually) and I know that I really have accomplished a big thing.  I know I did it,  I know that I can keep doing it!  I just have trouble with the unknown.  What I need is a goal, something to work towards.  I'm not even sure that it needs to be a weight loss number.  I just need a direction, because how can I head in that direction if I don't know where I'm going?

For now I am going take a minute to be proud and celebrate my achievement. Be my own fireworks!  Then I will sit down and map out my path, so that I know where I am heading....

Sweating

This picture makes me shutter.

Today I got my sweat on.  This is big for me.  I avoid exercise for several reasons, most of them very illogical ones, but sweating is one of them.


You see I have an aversion to sweat. I emotionally link sweating to being fat, lazy, and out of shape.  Fat people sweat while just sitting there.  They poor sweat with even a little exertion.  At least I do did.

It's embarrassing having sweat running down the back of your legs or in between you boobs while just sitting in a chair.  Can you even imagine what it might be like if I were to actually exercise?

I know that this is very illogical and I have visual proof all around me telling me such, but for some reason I have that link in my brain that tells me otherwise.  I'm pretty sure it has something to do with the fact that I didn't sweat until I was 25.

Before my first child, at 25, I didn't sweat. Really.  I just turned really red and ended up with heat stroke.  For some reason after having a baby I was able to sweat and my ability to do it got better after each baby.  Now after 3 kids I seem to sweat with no problem.  Did I also mention that I got fatter after each baby too?  Link?

I am going to try to push through this nonsense and strengthen not only my body, but my mind as well.  I truly love the way I feel when I am done!  Someday I hope to be able to change these thoughts on sweating to something different.  Maybe something like....

 

 

Moving Forward

Just a quick update on my weight loss, today I was down 3.2 lbs since my last weigh-in. This brings me to a total 61 lbs.  I'm very happy with this and my progress so far.  I really have been trying to make some lasting changes.  

My weight loss to date has really gotten me to thinking though, the most I've ever lost at any one given time is 85 lbs.  I'm a little nervous and maybe jumping the gun a bit, but this fact makes me very anxious.  There is one big difference this time though...the amount of weight I need to lose.  This time I was basically the largest I have ever been when starting (less about 5 lbs) so I know I have a lot more to lose.  I am hoping that 85 lbs comes & goes with no mental blocks.  I also really think the problem has more to do with getting close to the weight I want to be and becoming too comfortable...self sabotage?!  This is something for a later post, but definitely something I am not going to ignore. 

Weigh-in

Well I'm only a day late with my weight loss check in.  Things are moving along really well, today I am down a total of 46 pounds.  I'm not exactly sure where I was the last time I reported in, so I only have the total handy.  I'm really proud of this number.

I'm really starting to feel good!  Eating healthy foods in their more natural state really agrees with me.  Right now I'm not really missing the processed crap, but I won't lie and say that I wouldn't really love a peanut butter Twix.

My thoughts right now on that... I'm doing really good and not struggling, so I'm just going to keep running with it.  I don't feel like I NEED a Twix right now, I would just like one.  As I have said before I am trying to make this about real life, not dreamy diet land, so nothing is a NEVER again food.  I just need to leave "those" foods for when I NEED them, special occasions, and those once in a blue moon type of days.

I really wish I could understand why sometimes it seems so easy and other times it seems so hard.  Right now I am just rolling with it.  Maybe later when it's not so easy I can look back and find something I've written that will shed a little light on it or inspire me to get going again.  Because even though I am doing good right now, my journey has only just begun.

Unsettled

Do you ever have one of those days where you just feel unsettled?  I am having that problem huge today.  I've had a tummy ache since I woke up, lots of things on my plate today, my hubby left town again, and some unsettling mail.  I really want to take one of my "crazy" pills, but I am worried about getting too sleepy.  I guess it'll have to wait until later.  I usually like Monday's, but today can just be done!

Today I am trying to remind myself to eat because I should...yeah weird having to do that.  That is usually NOT an issue for me.  I'm also trying to remember that in the scheme of life it's not that bad and at least my kids are being fairly well behaved today.

I've still been really busy lately, but I am hoping after my littlest person's doctor appointment tomorrow morning that it slows down.  My other two register for school this afternoon and I really need some groceries, so we will see what gets done.  Hopefully tomorrow I can update how the diet is going and record my current weight loss totals.  This is one thing that I am settled about, I've been doing good.

So Busy

I meant to post yesterday, but I have been so busy.  Last weekend my family and I went out of town and then my hubby had to leave Monday morning to work out of town.  Then throw in a trip to Target and Costco, not to mention we have swimming lessons every day this week.  It definitely makes for a more hectic day when the hubby doesn't get to come home for a bit of a reprieve.  However, he is good at putting everything in perspective for me, even over the phone.  We have been keeping busy and managing just fine, but I can't lie, I cannot wait for him to get home.

I do have good news to report, the eating front has been spot on.  I went out of town and kept right on trucking.  I made sure to pack appropriately and be prepared.  While we were gone I also got in a bike ride and a bit of swimming.  It was so much fun.  All of my hard work paid off and yesterday I recorded a 2 lbs loss for a total of 42.4 lbs. Yay!!

I have noticed something in the last couple of evenings though, I am craving/wanting some unhealthy foods.  I think that I have decided it is from boredom and loneliness.  It hits after I have put the kids to bed, when I usually sit and relax with the hubby after a long day.  I've managed so far, drank a big glass of water and had a healthy snack, but I definitely want the hubby home.

I'm going to try to get some photos posted from our weekend away, it just may take a couple of days. Here's to a GREAT rest of the week!

What I've Been Up To

Last Wednesday was my let's get back at it buckle down day.  I've been doing GREAT and I feel really good.  My eating has done a complete 360 and all that is going into my body are foods in their natural state (for the most part) and I have not eaten boxed or prepackaged meals since.  I have also increased my water intake back up to where it should be.

It hasn't been all rosy colored, day 3 sucked.  I didn't feel well, I think it was sugar withdrawal.  Could have been wine withdrawal too. :-)  I am giving up my wine for two weeks and then it's back to a glass of red a day at most.

I can't believe the difference, but then again I can, I've been here before.  It makes me wonder WHY would I want to feel the other way?  I was also wondering how come I hadn't been cooking more? My hubby and I both love to cook and we both agree it tastes way better than going out.  I'm sure that it's a time/lazy thing, but I'm gonna make the time.

The only thing that I could be doing better at the moment is getting more physical activity, but I blame the books!  I've been sucked (willingly) into the 50 Shades series and it's been hard for me to even get the regular daily chores done.  I'm about 1/2 way through the last book, so the end is near, then no more excuses.

I updated my weight loss ticker at the bottom today and it now reflects my 39 pound loss as of today.  I go to the doctor on Friday for my follow-up and lab results, so I'll let you know how that goes. 


Right now I'll just keep plugging along...

Happy and I Know It

One thing I know for sure after being on diets for what seems my whole life, the ups are really up and the downs are way down. There never seems to be anything in the middle. When you are on a good week or a great loss you're awesome, let's just face if, the bomb! However, when you're not doing so well or gain you totally suck!

This is something I struggle with and after reading so many blogs I know that I am most definitely not alone. I read them and wonder why that person is being so hard on themselves, after all they're human and they are at least still tryng to be healthy. I realize that I need to cut myself some slack too! A very hard thing to do, but how I wanted this journey to go.

Believe it or not right now I am on a high. Ive been eating good, feeling great, and the scale this morning told me that I am awesome. That is what I WAS going to post about, but after watering all my flower (relaxed thinking time for me) I realized I don't want to get ahead of myself. I AM happy, proud, and feeling good...so I am going to run with it and let it carry me while it can. I am going to embrace the "easy" days with all I've got, but I am also going to acknowledge the bad. Realizing I too am human and maybe sometimes I just need a moment. Hopefully not a two month moment next time.

Plugging Along

While I am not breaking any land speed records here, I do feel like I am moving forward. It's been a busy week with a lot of activity...Yard work, bike rides, and tonigh a great match of four square with the family. My eating has been a LOT better this last week, not great, but a definite improvement. I lost two pounds, getting me within four pounds of where I was, so I am happy with that. Tomorrow I buckle down for another charge forward.

I saw the following on Pinterest and it rang true...

Source: Uploaded by user via Wendie on Pinterest

Here is to another great and active week.

I Went To the Dr. & the Dr. Said...

Yesterday I went and established myself with a doctor. Pretty sure it's my first regular doctor since my pediatrician, well outside of the girly doc. We talked about past health of course, but we also talked about me trying to lose weight. Of course he's all aboard on that front, but what I really liked about him is he was REAL. No smug remarks like I've been given before such as, "It's all about calories in and calories out!". Like we all don't know that...just like we all know drugs are bad for us, doesn't mean it stops us all.

I really did like him and the suggestions he had. I totally felt that if what I try doesn't help, he'll be there with more ideas/options. He also sent me toady to get my blood taken so that we can check certain risk factors I have and get a baseline on the other stuff. He did do one thing wrong though, he happened to mention that I was getting of the age where we were going to need these baseline numbers. The nerve...me of a certain age! Ha!

I think that all the blood they took today, 4 mason jars full...ok just 4 viles, but still...took the oomph right out of me. Is that possible? I even took a nap, something I NEVER do!

Going to bed now and praying for more energy tomorrow.

A Little Behind

Last Tuesday I weighed-in and I guess I'm a little behind in posting. Speaking of a little behind...wish mine was. (Sorry I couldn't resist.). The results were good, I lost 3 of the 5 pounds that I had gained. I'm afraid to say though that I acted like it gave me permission to not try as hard. This last week has been less than stellar and I really want pull my head out of my "little" behind.

I was really busy this weekend redecorating my oldest daughter's room and now I am SORE. I have to do the partial lower then drop on the toilet, you know the one because we've all been there before. Anyway, last night after my daughter saw her room we did go for a small bike ride. I didn't think I was gonna be able to do it, considering my legs and all, but it actually helped loosen them up. Who would've thought! By 3 AM though they were not loose. After I waddled to the kitchen for some ibuprofen I was able to go back to sleep.

So long story short, between my less than stellar week and the incredible soreness, I don't hold out very much hope for this weeks weigh-in. No discouragement though...it was all me and like I've said before, I will not give up! Even though I am sore, it's not nearly like I use to get. This tells me there has been some forward progress and for that I am proud!!

Yesterday

Yesterday I tried two new things.

The first was Map My Walk. I only went for a very short walk because the mosquitos were trying to carry me and the baby away. There was a small glitch in my route recording too...apparently I am a world record holder with just over a 2 minute mile. Not sure what went wrong, but I'll try it again. Anyone else use this app?


The second thing I did was go for a bike ride with my entire family. I was in the lead, so I kept pushing myself to go harder. Didn't want them waiting on ol' mom. I also used Mapping My Walk (Ride) with a little more success than earlier. No records on the bike. What I haven't figured out yet though was why I had to pull the baby trailer?

Our Rides

Baby's New Helmet

Still struggling with the eating, but I'm still trying...and I am still moving!