Help Me I'm Melting and Other Randomness

Yesterday I walked around with this feeling that could only be explained as melting.  Not as in "the weight is just melting off", more accurately explained in terms of a candle melting and dripping, sliding, and mushing into a heap.  That's kinda how I feel in my skin at the moment.  I LOVE my progress, my smaller clothes, my smaller me...I'm having issue with the skin.  Some days are better and some are worse. Such is life.

I've been tired and not feeling well, which I'm sure explains some of the downer skin drama, and I find it the most difficult time to keep motivated.  All I can think about is chicken noodle soup, but without the broth....aka a big ol' heap of white, starchy pasta!! Nom nom!!!  I haven't done it though!  I went to the Dr. for antibiotics today, so hopefully the feeling passes soon.  If it doesn't I might not be responsible for my actions. :-)

I did weigh-in yesterday, even though I did on Friday after Thanksgiving.  I'm super happy to report a loss of 1.2 for a total of 84.4 pounds.  Now to just get to feeling better so I can keep plugging along.

Sweating

This picture makes me shutter.

Today I got my sweat on.  This is big for me.  I avoid exercise for several reasons, most of them very illogical ones, but sweating is one of them.


You see I have an aversion to sweat. I emotionally link sweating to being fat, lazy, and out of shape.  Fat people sweat while just sitting there.  They poor sweat with even a little exertion.  At least I do did.

It's embarrassing having sweat running down the back of your legs or in between you boobs while just sitting in a chair.  Can you even imagine what it might be like if I were to actually exercise?

I know that this is very illogical and I have visual proof all around me telling me such, but for some reason I have that link in my brain that tells me otherwise.  I'm pretty sure it has something to do with the fact that I didn't sweat until I was 25.

Before my first child, at 25, I didn't sweat. Really.  I just turned really red and ended up with heat stroke.  For some reason after having a baby I was able to sweat and my ability to do it got better after each baby.  Now after 3 kids I seem to sweat with no problem.  Did I also mention that I got fatter after each baby too?  Link?

I am going to try to push through this nonsense and strengthen not only my body, but my mind as well.  I truly love the way I feel when I am done!  Someday I hope to be able to change these thoughts on sweating to something different.  Maybe something like....

 

 

I Ate

On Saturday I ate.  I ate what I wanted, I ate too much, I was not in control.  This scares me.

I made the decision to have a day free from the constraints of perfection.  Perfection turned straight into abandon.  This is how I seem to be.  All or none, black or white, call it what you will.

I am okay with taking a day.  I am not okay with going to the point of abandon.  It also scares the crap out of me that this will signal the start of the end, I'm done.  After all, this is what always happens.  I will NOT let that happen.

Yesterday I struggled and a battle raged on within my head.  Thoughts of defeat, what's the point, now I'm going to gain weight this week.  I didn't give in.  Today has been a bit easier but I am still scared of the scale tomorrow.  I don't want it to trigger more.

I've been trying to be logical about it all.... One day, it's not that bad.  You can learn from this experience and be better prepared next time.  It is okay to not be perfect. There may be a gain but that too is not the end of the world.  This is a journey not a quick trip.

That is all true, but it's still scary.  If I let it, my mind could still defeat me.  I'm going to try my hardest not to let it because it is what it is, moving on!  I will NOT give up!

A Different Kind of Weigh-In

I didn't post my weigh-in last week and it had nothing to do with it not being good.  In fact I had an awesome loss of 3.6 pounds.  The reason I didn't post is that I was conflicted and to be quite honest I still am.

I've been thinking a lot about what exactly this blog is for me, how much to share, how much hard stuff to put out there, who I am doing it for,  and so much more.  I've been definite in my answers to myself at some points and wavering to the extremes at others.  Here is where I think I stand on some of my issues right now...

This blog is for ME.

It's where I can share a difficult journey with anyone interested.

It's a place where I can be held accountable and seek input.

It's a way for me to say things I need to express but maybe need to hide behind my blog to do it.

It's where I can go to see that other people out there struggle and succeed too.

I want it to be a place where I can be honest and not just sugar coat everything.

Unfortunately this is not exactly how it has worked out all the time.  When I struggled a while back I stopped posting because no one wanted to hear about a failure on a health/weight loss blog, right?!(I'm over the failure thing so no need to comment on that.)  I also struggle with posting some truths that I think are very important to my journey, such as my before pictures.  It is hard for me to say out loud things that embarrass me and I'm not talking about normal embarrassment type things like farts.   Those things don't bug me, it's those things which usually make me feel like a failure.  You know the whole OCD I am perfect in every way or I don't try mentality.

This brings me to the subject of how much is too much, too personal, or otherwise not relevant to share.  Right now I would say nothing is.  Truth is, the harder it is to share the more it probably should be.  I'm realizing this is as much a mental journey as a physical one.  I need to accept the truths completely, honestly, and openly because only then can I change.

Now the reason behind my conflict last week....I was celebrating a milestone.  In order to share this celebration with you I would have had to post a truth that I didn't think I could, should, or wanted to.  I still don't know if I'm ready, but it is what it is.  Last weeks loss put me at a total of 66.8 lbs but it also put me at 298.8. Finally under 300 lbs for the first time in around six years.  It's hard for me to admit how far I let myself go, how far I still need to go, but it truly is what it is.  Moving on.

Now for my weigh-in this week.  I lost another 2.2 for a total of 69 lbs!  At least I rock..that softens the blow.  Plus I will hopefully never have to say anything like that ever again.

Nemesis

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately about how far I've come and how much farther I need to go.  I have several reoccurring thoughts that I need to address, but the one that I try to avoid talking about the most need to deal with is exercise.

I struggle with exercise. True I am uncoordinated, but I mean in a more mental way.  I like to consider myself a very logical person and as such I know that exercises is one of the best things I can do.  Not just for my body, but also for my weight loss journey.  Logical, easy, lets do it, right? Ummm, not so much.

Logic is one thing, OCD is another.  I really struggle with doing new things because I have this mental need to be successful/perfect from the start.  It truly becomes a battle of the mind.  My logical (and much smarter) side gets that this is not possible, while at the same time my obsessive side expects perfection.

Then there is the possibility of weight gain when beginning exercise.  I know this fact, logically, but you try convincing me of that when I see the gain.  Not to mention that this is suppose to be a journey about health, not weight loss.  I just always seem to get all caught up in things in my head.  A battle of wills.  Maybe I don't give myself enough credit, but past experience points to the OCD winning taking control.

I've seriously been considering setting some goals for myself.  Maybe tricking allowing myself to take smaller steps towards success.  But alas, this brings up the issues I have with goals, which basically brings us right back around to my OCD.  I've mentioned before that goals are hard for me.  It brings out the little obsessive monster inside me.  I become very all or none.  All is not necessarily bad in this case, but I tend to push until I can't go anymore and then I'm done.  Maybe what I need is someone to hold my hand?!

There is nothing like a little weight loss to make you start having to deal with all the other issues.  This is not an issue I will give up on.  I just don't have it all worked out yet.  Besides, how could I forget when this....

stares at me every morning when I get out of bed.

So Much Going On In Here

My mind is whirling.  I have so much that I've been thinking about, dealing with, or hiding from.  Now more than ever I feel the urge to turn to food, to seek my favorite comfort.  I haven't though.  I am VERY aware of it and fighting it with all I have.  I SOOOO wanted a peanut butter Twix yesterday, so I told my husband yesterday that today on his way home from work to stop and get me one.  I told him NO kingsize, just a two bar pack he can put in the fridge. I like them cold.  It's still in the fridge tonight and I am okay, sipping on a glass of wine instead.

Even though I've resisted the urges I have felt my eating slip onto a more lenient path.  I am trying to take care of some issues and I plan to focus on my healthy eating this week.  Will power will only take me so far, I MUST make the changes needed to deal with life.  I feel like this has been the first test and I am happy to at least see it.

On a totally unrelated note....I went through all my clothes & have a huge pile of too big.  This is good! I'm torn about what to do with them though.  I feel like I should box them up and keep them "just in case", but I also don't want to because this time is suppose to be "it"!  I keep wavering back & forth between what I want to be true & all the previous failed attempts.  I think if I keep them then I doubt myself, but if I get rid of them then that's silliness based on the past. Help!?!?

Mind Swap

Lately I've been doing really well on the weight loss front, but I've also had a lot of very negative thoughts bouncing around in my head.  On Friday I decided that was enough and I was going to find something positive to offset every negative I had.  When I take the time to actually do things like this I am always amazed how much it helps.  It's always very easy to see how truly blessed I am.

Not all of my negatives necessarily have to do with weight loss or health, but any negative feeling can be enough to throw a funk into the whole wellness plan.  So without further ado here are some of my "issues":

• The extra skin/sags are already getting to me and I have oh so much farther to go.  I would definitely say that I looked better undressed BEFORE losing. However, I don't tend to go anywhere undressed and definitely look better in clothes now.  I also have to remember that my hubby always said if I lost weight and kept it off he'd get me a boob job & tummy tuck.  
• My clothing selection is not so good.  I am so in between the sizes I have been wearing and the ones that I have stashed.  I can either fall out of my clothes or sausage into them.  REALLY what kind of problem is that?!  At least I have smaller clothes that are going to fit, not that I'm gaining like most of my life and nothing larger to move into.
• I still feel so slow and out of shape. My son raced me around the front yard and let me know that he went slow for me.  This one is not too hard to find the other side of.  I'm carrying around 60 less pounds and moving so much better.  I CAN run around, bike ride, paint the shed, and do things with my family.  I still want to take the next step into actual scheduled exercise, but at least I feel like now I can.
• I am SOOOO tired of my hubby having to work out of town! I miss seeing him every day and hate trying to fit everything in on the weekends.  Ok so this one I have to constantly remind myself of the other side. One, at least he has a job and can provide for us. Two, he gets to come home on the weekends and I know others who don't get to for 5 weeks straight. And three, he is almost done (even though I hear 2 more weeks every week) and will be home for good. Remember remember remember....
• I've been very stressed over my older babies education.  We pay a lot of money for private schooling and are less than impressed so far this year.  On the bright side they are supposedly working on it for us, we have other options if need be, and I WILL make sure that the best decision is made for her.  Also, all this is because she is too smart for her own good.  Now I definitely don't see how that could be a problem.

See, it's not so bad. I may have to keep reminding myself of this, but when I do I feel so much better.

There's No Way It Wasn't Monday

The calendar said that it was Wednesday, but that just cannot be possible!  It was definitely one of those days.

It started with not wanting to get out of bed, a baby who's diaper leaked, kids that were not dressed appropriately for chapel at school today (when it was time to walk out the door), another upset tummy day, and on and on...

I made myself eat throughout the day and I made myself think about the fact that if this is as bad as it gets then you've got it good.  It helped...until alone time tonight.

I'm faced with making some decisions in regards to my eldest baby girl's education and I don't want to.  No matter what decision I make someone is going to be unhappy and I truly don't think that there is just one perfect solution.  I am trying to take time, gather information responsibly, and make a well informed choice that will be the best in the long run. Oh how I hate big/important choices.

Since I haven't been able to resolve the situation as of yet,  it's affecting all my other decision making abilities.  I literally have one check blank left and I've been looking at checks for three days and still haven't ordered any.  I also couldn't decide that one treat this evening was enough, I had to have two.

Maybe I'll wait until my hubby gets back in town tomorrow and make him make all the choices. No?! Well it was a thought.  Instead I will leave you with this thought and it made me feel a whole lot better because....

Source: midwesternmoms.com via Wendie on Pinterest

I've Gone Crazy!

This here is a come clean post...but also a search for answers to my bewilderment.

The last 2 weeks I have done nothing but eat and unhealthily none the less. It didn't start off entirely bad, but oh the progression. It all starts with my Mom telling me to take a small break from tracking, so you see it's her fault...just kidding Mom!!! I'm sure by now that my weight is up like 5 pounds, however I am too much in denial to actually compare it with my last recorded weight. Because that makes it go away you know, not!

My real issue is this...I've started reading Bob Harper's book "The Skinny Rules" and it's like I went off the deep end. Now let me clarify that I did not give myself any time limits, start dates, or even say that I was FOR SURE going to jump completely on board with this plan. My mind however must have heard some warning siren that I didn't. I have been eating CRAP! and lots of it. Why do I do this? I haven't even said no to myself, but I'm acting like the end is near. I like to think of myself as a logical person, but this is just plum loco.

Source: Uploaded by user via Wendie on Pinterest

I've still been walking and trying to get a bit of exercise, but I would have to walk forever to undo this. I know what I want, I think, so....

Why, I say, why?

Check In

It amazes me how fast and busy the summer days can be. Tomorrow my sweet baby boy (he's my middle child) turns 7 years old and it seem like just yesterday he was my baby.

So... I thought that I needed to take a minute to check in and report on my progress. In my case it seems to be lack thereof. I've never really gotten totally back with it since my Grandma passed, but I don't want that to be, nor do I think that is the reason (excuse). What I've been struggling with lately is... "what's the point!"

I talked in my last post about the want it now food mentality and I really think that is one of the issues. I also think that when I start thinking about where I need to go & how far it is, I tend to get a little overwhelmed. And what originally started as a healthy lifestyle quest has turned into "just a diet"! I don't want to be on a diet, cuz isn't a diet just what someone eats... Good, bad, or other?

I will not give up though!! I neither gained or lost last week, but I think I got a bit lucky there. I'm gonna keep moving forward and I'm gonna start by buying a bike. I've got it all picked out & everything. All I can do is keep trying, and I will.

I Love...

I love Ben & Jerry's ice cream, peanut butter Twix, chips, fish crackers, rice pouches, pasta pasta pasta...

Source: doobybrain.com via Cherri on Pinterest

But I also love brussel sprouts, a fresh salad, flat bread veggie pizzas, quinoa, turkey burgers....

Source: seriouseats.com via Jerri on Pinterest

So the question is, why do I always go back to the first list? I believe that the answer is time. The first list is done & ready to consume, the second takes some effort and time. This doesn't mix well with my gotta have it NOW personality. I'm not one know for having patience.

I'm not 100% convinced that I have a solution, but I have a idea. Let's face it, all I can do is try and hope for the best. My idea will take time, one large chunk, but hopefully it'll be quick the rest of the time and pay off. I'm going to have a cook day, where I prepare a whole bunch of quick go to snacks, sides, and meals. I want to make my own "Lean Quisine" type freezer food, frozen pizzas, pre-cooked rice & quinoa pouches, and maybe go as far as granola bars & such. Then I know what is in it, how to count it, and that it is good for me.

So let the research begin! Anyone know of some sites with helpful hints, recipes, or ideas.

Issues of My Own Making

I'm having an issue...

I'm struggling...

I feel fat & awful...

I feel disappointed...

Why? Because I did it to myself! I made Reese's cookie bars, and I ate a LOT of them.

Why? Because I use to bake all the time and eat just one, if any at all. My sister use to wonder how I did it, now I wonder.

Will I move on? Or is this it?

I WILL move on! Because..."What is my alternative?"

Check out this great post http://skinnyemmie.com/2012/06/faq-weight-loss-motivation/ for Skinny Emmie's explanation on "What is my alternative?"

Goals... Maybe Not For Me?

I find myself with a bit of a dilemma. I feel like goals are not for me. This is not to say that I am content where I am at, that I am unmotivated, that I do not want to succeed. What it feels like is that I am a rebelling child, you tell me what to do and I'll do the opposite just to make you mad. It also makes me obsessed. Tell me I cannot weigh, for example, and that is all I am going to think about all week.

There are things that I want though. Ideas in my head of where I "think" I should/could be at given times in the future. How do I get there if I don't have goals?


I am obsessive/compulsive by nature, does my answer lie there? Do I trust myself & where I am headed? Do I get there when I get there? Or do I push myself? I truly do not know!

Struggles

Tomorrow is the funeral for my grandma.

The day that I feel like I can move on.

I've tried, but it's been hard.

She always wanted my mom, sister, and me to be healthy. I will be healthy!

I will not let my 1.2 lb gain detour me anymore, after all I've still lost 33.4 pounds!!!

"Good" (bad) food does not make me feel better! I've felt horrible for almost a week!

For her, for my kids, for me, for my health...

Detour

Sometimes life takes you on a detour...I've decided that is what the last few days have been. Today I think that I made my way back to the main road and I hope there are no more bumps. This is definitely a step in the right direction because in the past I would've ate like a piggy until my weigh-in tomorrow, since in my mind I've already blown it. Not this time!

Every week, every day, every meal....all choices!

Sad Days

Last night my Grandma passed... it's ok, because she had cancer and went quick & fairly painlessly.

Today I am sad!  I am sad for my Mom, my family, and even me, but not for my Grandma!  She's in a better place and probably already playing a game of cards and having a drink with...Bob Ross, Ramona, others??

And me?  I got up and ate, logged it into my food log, and took another step forward.

Good bye Grandma, I will miss you!!

Taking Back Control

This week the scale won! Don't get me wrong, I don't mean the number, I mean the control it had on my week. I did so well last week that I was sure that I would have to be spot on this week for a loss. I was NOT totally spot on, weighing at least once daily (if not more), and wondering all week how I was going to deal with my 1st gain.

Well I didn't gain!! I lost 2.2 lbs for a new total of 34.6 lbs. This makes me wonder why I cannot just trust what I am doing, the changes I am making, and the importance of what I am doing for my life! I may not have been spot on, but I was well in control and SO much better than I ever was before I started this.

Today I do two things....

1. Celebrate me and my success! Woot woot!!

2. Give the scale to my hubby when he gets home and tell him I don't want to see it until next Monday! Over and done!

Here is to another great week!

A Change Is Gonna Come

Change.  A good thing, a bad thing???  I for one usually do not like change.  I like my routine, my expected, my guaranteed...I have anxiety (which I medicate) and that does not bode well with change.  But I am also smart, logical, and usually down from the clouds enough to know that change is gonna come!

I look forward to a changing body, wait, do I?  Honestly, I am anxious about aging, sagging skin from weight loss, cheater readers, and many more things that I have yet to experience.  Yesterday I struggled with anxiety and doom (even after taking my medicine the night before).  Most of it comes from my OCD and chaos in my life...if I could just be in charge of EVERYTHING it would all be good.  Today I am doing better, thanks to another dose of medicine last night.  Today I feel "normal" and ready to face the world and the change that comes with it.

How about if that change came soon enough to wear these ------->
This is a pile of 12 or more pairs of capris (all about the same size) that are too small for me.  When I started this journey wearing these seemed like a distant pipe dream.  When I originally tried a pair on, I couldn't even get each side of the zipper within 4" of each other.  Don't you just love the way the photo turned out?  It looks like there is an aura of goodness surrounding these capris.

Now just imagine my surprise (or just look at the photo), when I tried on that same pair the other day and zipped them.  They are NO where near public display worthy, but they were on.  I want this pile to get me through the warmer months, then be so big come fall, I won't be sad to see them go with the arrival of colder weather.  This is the kind of change that I think I can live with!!

My Appetite Is Back!

Well after two days of WAY under eating on my calories, my appetite finally came back. In fact I think my leg is hollow. I ate about 200 extra calories today, but had shorted myself over 1200 the last two days. It's amazing how being sick can really throw things off!

So just a quick post here to say that tomorrow is a new day and now I am off to bed!

You Are Not My Friend

I've recently wondered if I was having issues (as in I feel like I may puke and die) when I eat eggs and today I believe I have confirmed it.  I had two eggs for breakfast and have felt awful all day.

I had a similar thing happen the last time I lost a substantial amount of weight, but it was avocados.  It makes me feel like I have the cold sweats, burps, and a general I am going to be sick feeling.  I think it is my gallbladder, but why when I am losing and getting healthy and not when I was just eating crap? Any ideas, anyone??

I really like them both, but they are not my friends anymore!!