I Ate

On Saturday I ate.  I ate what I wanted, I ate too much, I was not in control.  This scares me.

I made the decision to have a day free from the constraints of perfection.  Perfection turned straight into abandon.  This is how I seem to be.  All or none, black or white, call it what you will.

I am okay with taking a day.  I am not okay with going to the point of abandon.  It also scares the crap out of me that this will signal the start of the end, I'm done.  After all, this is what always happens.  I will NOT let that happen.

Yesterday I struggled and a battle raged on within my head.  Thoughts of defeat, what's the point, now I'm going to gain weight this week.  I didn't give in.  Today has been a bit easier but I am still scared of the scale tomorrow.  I don't want it to trigger more.

I've been trying to be logical about it all.... One day, it's not that bad.  You can learn from this experience and be better prepared next time.  It is okay to not be perfect. There may be a gain but that too is not the end of the world.  This is a journey not a quick trip.

That is all true, but it's still scary.  If I let it, my mind could still defeat me.  I'm going to try my hardest not to let it because it is what it is, moving on!  I will NOT give up!

There's No Way It Wasn't Monday

The calendar said that it was Wednesday, but that just cannot be possible!  It was definitely one of those days.

It started with not wanting to get out of bed, a baby who's diaper leaked, kids that were not dressed appropriately for chapel at school today (when it was time to walk out the door), another upset tummy day, and on and on...

I made myself eat throughout the day and I made myself think about the fact that if this is as bad as it gets then you've got it good.  It helped...until alone time tonight.

I'm faced with making some decisions in regards to my eldest baby girl's education and I don't want to.  No matter what decision I make someone is going to be unhappy and I truly don't think that there is just one perfect solution.  I am trying to take time, gather information responsibly, and make a well informed choice that will be the best in the long run. Oh how I hate big/important choices.

Since I haven't been able to resolve the situation as of yet,  it's affecting all my other decision making abilities.  I literally have one check blank left and I've been looking at checks for three days and still haven't ordered any.  I also couldn't decide that one treat this evening was enough, I had to have two.

Maybe I'll wait until my hubby gets back in town tomorrow and make him make all the choices. No?! Well it was a thought.  Instead I will leave you with this thought and it made me feel a whole lot better because....

Source: midwesternmoms.com via Wendie on Pinterest

I've Gone Crazy!

This here is a come clean post...but also a search for answers to my bewilderment.

The last 2 weeks I have done nothing but eat and unhealthily none the less. It didn't start off entirely bad, but oh the progression. It all starts with my Mom telling me to take a small break from tracking, so you see it's her fault...just kidding Mom!!! I'm sure by now that my weight is up like 5 pounds, however I am too much in denial to actually compare it with my last recorded weight. Because that makes it go away you know, not!

My real issue is this...I've started reading Bob Harper's book "The Skinny Rules" and it's like I went off the deep end. Now let me clarify that I did not give myself any time limits, start dates, or even say that I was FOR SURE going to jump completely on board with this plan. My mind however must have heard some warning siren that I didn't. I have been eating CRAP! and lots of it. Why do I do this? I haven't even said no to myself, but I'm acting like the end is near. I like to think of myself as a logical person, but this is just plum loco.

Source: Uploaded by user via Wendie on Pinterest

I've still been walking and trying to get a bit of exercise, but I would have to walk forever to undo this. I know what I want, I think, so....

Why, I say, why?

Underwear

One of my kids' favorite jokes is, "Hey look under there!" To which you reply, "Under where?" Then they giggle and laugh while saying, "I made you say underwear!"

This of course brings me to a much more serious issue, underwear! I hate them, but I gotta have them.

**WARNING*** TMI about to occur for some people, read on at your own risk.

Let me start by describing some of my current issues:

Silky Pretty Pair - They twist & turn and literally make my pants turn sideways. Also, they're inevitably up the cheek on one side.

Cotton Bikini - They roll! They're constantly under the belly roll and I spend my day unrolling them...literally the day!

Cotton High-Cut Brief - I don't really enjoy my underwear sticking 4ft out of the top of my pants!!

Seamless Something or Others - These were recommended to me to help alleviate the roll down issue, which they succeed at, but only at the expense of riding way up the arse. And they are not a thong.

Boy Shorts - Just wrong, that's all I have to say! I carry weight like a woman, I am NO boy!

Source: Uploaded by user via Wendie on Pinterest

See my issue? What is a girl to do? In my younger, non-fat years, I was a thong wearer and I've considered giving it another go. Couldn't possible be worse could it?

Can anyone help? Do you have issues your own? I would love to hear!

Issues of My Own Making

I'm having an issue...

I'm struggling...

I feel fat & awful...

I feel disappointed...

Why? Because I did it to myself! I made Reese's cookie bars, and I ate a LOT of them.

Why? Because I use to bake all the time and eat just one, if any at all. My sister use to wonder how I did it, now I wonder.

Will I move on? Or is this it?

I WILL move on! Because..."What is my alternative?"

Check out this great post http://skinnyemmie.com/2012/06/faq-weight-loss-motivation/ for Skinny Emmie's explanation on "What is my alternative?"

Struggles

Tomorrow is the funeral for my grandma.

The day that I feel like I can move on.

I've tried, but it's been hard.

She always wanted my mom, sister, and me to be healthy. I will be healthy!

I will not let my 1.2 lb gain detour me anymore, after all I've still lost 33.4 pounds!!!

"Good" (bad) food does not make me feel better! I've felt horrible for almost a week!

For her, for my kids, for me, for my health...

Tired & Cranky

Yesterday I was really tired and I am not sure why, I slept ok. It wasn't a need more sleep tired either, it felt like I was absolutely exhausted. Maybe all the hard work is catching up to me after having a couple of more relaxing days. All I know is that it made me want to eat and say oh well. I didn't, but I really wanted to. Instead I made myself go do something...I went to visit my grandpa.

Now today I am a little cranky, although I am trying not to be. We will see if cranky affects the eating mind too. So far no, but I just had breakfast. There is a lot to do around here if I need to keep busy, but maybe that's what is making me cranky...

Biggest Loser...Really!!

I have watched The Biggest Loser since season one and I can honestly say that I have almost stopped watching it several times this year. Tonight was definitely NO exception. What a SUPER LUCKY bunch of whiners! Yes I said whiners. Don't get me wrong, I know that they have worked for where they are, but they did it set up with some amazing opportunities. None of them did it on their own before and to bitch (and leave the show) about something they signed up for takes the cake (maybe they should go eat some). I often wonder if they think they look as stupid, when it airs, as the rest of us do. I'll bet Jeremy & Conda don't think it's such a bad idea now!!!

Ok enough of that....but really!

So on a lighter note, I've had two great days and continue to plug along on my journey. The water goal is going good. I have been feeling a lot more satisfied and full...the water maybe? I know, I know that's what they say. It could also be from the delicious homemade BBQ chicken & veggie flat out pizza I made. Super yum!