I Don't Want To Forget

I was lying in bed the other night and it just hit me like a ton of bricks, I don't want to forget being fat.  It is something that I want to leave behind for good and never look back, but I DO.NOT.WANT.TO.EVER.FORGET!  I'm worried I will.

You see when I think about anything from the past all I really remember are the good times.  Sure I can tell you stories of bad or painful things, for example having my last two kids turned while still in my stomach.  I know it hurt, I was there, but it is not something I think about or even really remember the exact feelings of.  I also know that when my husband and I were divorced I was sad and lonely, but I never think about it or remember specific feelings.  I just remember other things, usually the ones that make me smile. Things like how my oldest daughter use to say the word tiger or my son said French fry, I can actually still hear it in my head.

When I think about my life I KNOW beyond a shadow of a doubt that I have been truly blessed.  I've been through things that have made me cry, scream, and even crawl under the table...but that's not what I remember.  If I'm mad today, chances are a good nights sleep is all I need for it to be over.  I'm not sure I can even tell you what a grudge is, other than what the dictionary tells me.

As I've unpacked boxes of smaller clothes and sorted through them I've been hit with feelings of overwhelming happiness.  Not entirely due to the fact that they're smaller and fit, but from the memories they evoke from when I wore them last.  I can see the past smiling back at me reminding me how lovely it was.  I can even FEEL physical reactions within.  Somewhere deep in my mind something says, you know it wasn't all rosy, but I'll be damned if I can remember.

I guess what I want to know is if this is normal?  Am I alone here or possibly just in denial?  Or have I just been blessed with a very special gift, to be able to let go.

This is something I am thankful for, but it scares me when it comes to my weight loss.  I'm scared that I'll get to where I want to go and because I won't remember, the weight will come back.  I feel like I'm already starting to forget sometimes.  I don't want to forget being uncomfortable, unable to fit in chairs, unhappy with my physical self.  I don't want forget feeling hopeless when shopping because I was unable to buy bigger clothes, I already wore the largest size they sold. I want to remember weighing 369 pounds, because I don't ever want to be there or even here again.

My first major weight loss goal was to lose 100 pounds. As I near this mark (less than 9 lbs to go) I find myself thinking a lot about what my next move is going to be.  I don't know if its just the season, but I feel a little bit lax in my efforts lately.  The scale is still moving in the right direction, (I updated my ticker total at the bottom since I'm too lazy to see where I was when I last weighed-in) so I am not being too hard on myself.  However, I'm ready to charge ahead and my next move is bouncing around somewhere in this head of mine.

Sweating

This picture makes me shutter.

Today I got my sweat on.  This is big for me.  I avoid exercise for several reasons, most of them very illogical ones, but sweating is one of them.


You see I have an aversion to sweat. I emotionally link sweating to being fat, lazy, and out of shape.  Fat people sweat while just sitting there.  They poor sweat with even a little exertion.  At least I do did.

It's embarrassing having sweat running down the back of your legs or in between you boobs while just sitting in a chair.  Can you even imagine what it might be like if I were to actually exercise?

I know that this is very illogical and I have visual proof all around me telling me such, but for some reason I have that link in my brain that tells me otherwise.  I'm pretty sure it has something to do with the fact that I didn't sweat until I was 25.

Before my first child, at 25, I didn't sweat. Really.  I just turned really red and ended up with heat stroke.  For some reason after having a baby I was able to sweat and my ability to do it got better after each baby.  Now after 3 kids I seem to sweat with no problem.  Did I also mention that I got fatter after each baby too?  Link?

I am going to try to push through this nonsense and strengthen not only my body, but my mind as well.  I truly love the way I feel when I am done!  Someday I hope to be able to change these thoughts on sweating to something different.  Maybe something like....

 

 

Quick Weight Update

Just a quick weigh-in for the week.  After my "episode" Saturday I am happy to report a loss of .2 bringing my total to 69.2 pounds.  I am happy about two things.

First, I went right back to eating as I should after Saturday.  Each day has been a little easier, but I saw how easily I could have derailed myself permanently.  The main difference this time is that I am not allowing myself to give up.

Secondly, I am very happy with my loss.  I was expecting a gain.  This is good for me mentally right now.  I still have those perfection issues to deal with and I was worried a gain would trigger something.  Now hopefully I can be better prepared next time.

Here's to another great week.

I Ate

On Saturday I ate.  I ate what I wanted, I ate too much, I was not in control.  This scares me.

I made the decision to have a day free from the constraints of perfection.  Perfection turned straight into abandon.  This is how I seem to be.  All or none, black or white, call it what you will.

I am okay with taking a day.  I am not okay with going to the point of abandon.  It also scares the crap out of me that this will signal the start of the end, I'm done.  After all, this is what always happens.  I will NOT let that happen.

Yesterday I struggled and a battle raged on within my head.  Thoughts of defeat, what's the point, now I'm going to gain weight this week.  I didn't give in.  Today has been a bit easier but I am still scared of the scale tomorrow.  I don't want it to trigger more.

I've been trying to be logical about it all.... One day, it's not that bad.  You can learn from this experience and be better prepared next time.  It is okay to not be perfect. There may be a gain but that too is not the end of the world.  This is a journey not a quick trip.

That is all true, but it's still scary.  If I let it, my mind could still defeat me.  I'm going to try my hardest not to let it because it is what it is, moving on!  I will NOT give up!

A Different Kind of Weigh-In

I didn't post my weigh-in last week and it had nothing to do with it not being good.  In fact I had an awesome loss of 3.6 pounds.  The reason I didn't post is that I was conflicted and to be quite honest I still am.

I've been thinking a lot about what exactly this blog is for me, how much to share, how much hard stuff to put out there, who I am doing it for,  and so much more.  I've been definite in my answers to myself at some points and wavering to the extremes at others.  Here is where I think I stand on some of my issues right now...

This blog is for ME.

It's where I can share a difficult journey with anyone interested.

It's a place where I can be held accountable and seek input.

It's a way for me to say things I need to express but maybe need to hide behind my blog to do it.

It's where I can go to see that other people out there struggle and succeed too.

I want it to be a place where I can be honest and not just sugar coat everything.

Unfortunately this is not exactly how it has worked out all the time.  When I struggled a while back I stopped posting because no one wanted to hear about a failure on a health/weight loss blog, right?!(I'm over the failure thing so no need to comment on that.)  I also struggle with posting some truths that I think are very important to my journey, such as my before pictures.  It is hard for me to say out loud things that embarrass me and I'm not talking about normal embarrassment type things like farts.   Those things don't bug me, it's those things which usually make me feel like a failure.  You know the whole OCD I am perfect in every way or I don't try mentality.

This brings me to the subject of how much is too much, too personal, or otherwise not relevant to share.  Right now I would say nothing is.  Truth is, the harder it is to share the more it probably should be.  I'm realizing this is as much a mental journey as a physical one.  I need to accept the truths completely, honestly, and openly because only then can I change.

Now the reason behind my conflict last week....I was celebrating a milestone.  In order to share this celebration with you I would have had to post a truth that I didn't think I could, should, or wanted to.  I still don't know if I'm ready, but it is what it is.  Last weeks loss put me at a total of 66.8 lbs but it also put me at 298.8. Finally under 300 lbs for the first time in around six years.  It's hard for me to admit how far I let myself go, how far I still need to go, but it truly is what it is.  Moving on.

Now for my weigh-in this week.  I lost another 2.2 for a total of 69 lbs!  At least I rock..that softens the blow.  Plus I will hopefully never have to say anything like that ever again.

Nemesis

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately about how far I've come and how much farther I need to go.  I have several reoccurring thoughts that I need to address, but the one that I try to avoid talking about the most need to deal with is exercise.

I struggle with exercise. True I am uncoordinated, but I mean in a more mental way.  I like to consider myself a very logical person and as such I know that exercises is one of the best things I can do.  Not just for my body, but also for my weight loss journey.  Logical, easy, lets do it, right? Ummm, not so much.

Logic is one thing, OCD is another.  I really struggle with doing new things because I have this mental need to be successful/perfect from the start.  It truly becomes a battle of the mind.  My logical (and much smarter) side gets that this is not possible, while at the same time my obsessive side expects perfection.

Then there is the possibility of weight gain when beginning exercise.  I know this fact, logically, but you try convincing me of that when I see the gain.  Not to mention that this is suppose to be a journey about health, not weight loss.  I just always seem to get all caught up in things in my head.  A battle of wills.  Maybe I don't give myself enough credit, but past experience points to the OCD winning taking control.

I've seriously been considering setting some goals for myself.  Maybe tricking allowing myself to take smaller steps towards success.  But alas, this brings up the issues I have with goals, which basically brings us right back around to my OCD.  I've mentioned before that goals are hard for me.  It brings out the little obsessive monster inside me.  I become very all or none.  All is not necessarily bad in this case, but I tend to push until I can't go anymore and then I'm done.  Maybe what I need is someone to hold my hand?!

There is nothing like a little weight loss to make you start having to deal with all the other issues.  This is not an issue I will give up on.  I just don't have it all worked out yet.  Besides, how could I forget when this....

stares at me every morning when I get out of bed.

So Much Going On In Here

My mind is whirling.  I have so much that I've been thinking about, dealing with, or hiding from.  Now more than ever I feel the urge to turn to food, to seek my favorite comfort.  I haven't though.  I am VERY aware of it and fighting it with all I have.  I SOOOO wanted a peanut butter Twix yesterday, so I told my husband yesterday that today on his way home from work to stop and get me one.  I told him NO kingsize, just a two bar pack he can put in the fridge. I like them cold.  It's still in the fridge tonight and I am okay, sipping on a glass of wine instead.

Even though I've resisted the urges I have felt my eating slip onto a more lenient path.  I am trying to take care of some issues and I plan to focus on my healthy eating this week.  Will power will only take me so far, I MUST make the changes needed to deal with life.  I feel like this has been the first test and I am happy to at least see it.

On a totally unrelated note....I went through all my clothes & have a huge pile of too big.  This is good! I'm torn about what to do with them though.  I feel like I should box them up and keep them "just in case", but I also don't want to because this time is suppose to be "it"!  I keep wavering back & forth between what I want to be true & all the previous failed attempts.  I think if I keep them then I doubt myself, but if I get rid of them then that's silliness based on the past. Help!?!?

Moving Forward

Just a quick update on my weight loss, today I was down 3.2 lbs since my last weigh-in. This brings me to a total 61 lbs.  I'm very happy with this and my progress so far.  I really have been trying to make some lasting changes.  

My weight loss to date has really gotten me to thinking though, the most I've ever lost at any one given time is 85 lbs.  I'm a little nervous and maybe jumping the gun a bit, but this fact makes me very anxious.  There is one big difference this time though...the amount of weight I need to lose.  This time I was basically the largest I have ever been when starting (less about 5 lbs) so I know I have a lot more to lose.  I am hoping that 85 lbs comes & goes with no mental blocks.  I also really think the problem has more to do with getting close to the weight I want to be and becoming too comfortable...self sabotage?!  This is something for a later post, but definitely something I am not going to ignore. 

Mind Swap

Lately I've been doing really well on the weight loss front, but I've also had a lot of very negative thoughts bouncing around in my head.  On Friday I decided that was enough and I was going to find something positive to offset every negative I had.  When I take the time to actually do things like this I am always amazed how much it helps.  It's always very easy to see how truly blessed I am.

Not all of my negatives necessarily have to do with weight loss or health, but any negative feeling can be enough to throw a funk into the whole wellness plan.  So without further ado here are some of my "issues":

• The extra skin/sags are already getting to me and I have oh so much farther to go.  I would definitely say that I looked better undressed BEFORE losing. However, I don't tend to go anywhere undressed and definitely look better in clothes now.  I also have to remember that my hubby always said if I lost weight and kept it off he'd get me a boob job & tummy tuck.  
• My clothing selection is not so good.  I am so in between the sizes I have been wearing and the ones that I have stashed.  I can either fall out of my clothes or sausage into them.  REALLY what kind of problem is that?!  At least I have smaller clothes that are going to fit, not that I'm gaining like most of my life and nothing larger to move into.
• I still feel so slow and out of shape. My son raced me around the front yard and let me know that he went slow for me.  This one is not too hard to find the other side of.  I'm carrying around 60 less pounds and moving so much better.  I CAN run around, bike ride, paint the shed, and do things with my family.  I still want to take the next step into actual scheduled exercise, but at least I feel like now I can.
• I am SOOOO tired of my hubby having to work out of town! I miss seeing him every day and hate trying to fit everything in on the weekends.  Ok so this one I have to constantly remind myself of the other side. One, at least he has a job and can provide for us. Two, he gets to come home on the weekends and I know others who don't get to for 5 weeks straight. And three, he is almost done (even though I hear 2 more weeks every week) and will be home for good. Remember remember remember....
• I've been very stressed over my older babies education.  We pay a lot of money for private schooling and are less than impressed so far this year.  On the bright side they are supposedly working on it for us, we have other options if need be, and I WILL make sure that the best decision is made for her.  Also, all this is because she is too smart for her own good.  Now I definitely don't see how that could be a problem.

See, it's not so bad. I may have to keep reminding myself of this, but when I do I feel so much better.

Dieter's Prison

Whenever I put myself on a strict "diet" I always feel deprived, like I've had something taken away from me. My own little dieter's prison! I do well in the beginning, watching my behavior, then all hell breaks loose. I rebel like I am trying to prove a point, but to whom I am not sure. I end up only hurting myself and right back where I was trying to escape from.

That is why I am trying to do things differently this time. Nothing has worked in the past. It's time to change my ways. There is only one problem...that old me, that old mindset, it is still lurking in there. The one who says all or none. The one who berates me for screwing up. The one who expects perfection. I'm trying to deal with her, but she is strong and has been with me for a very long time. All I know for sure is that I will never stop trying.

Source: colorlines.com via meshDETECT on Pinterest

I have a friend who really is in prison (if you must know it's for embezzling) and sometimes I admit I'm jealous. Only of the weight loss, don't get me wrong. She went in at 215+ I believe and when I talked to her the other day she was down to 158. Maybe there needs to be a REAL dieter's prison. A place you're sent when you treat your body, your temple, without regard. It is a crime unto you, is it not? Only, I'll need a house keeper and a nanny while I'm gone...

I've Gone Crazy!

This here is a come clean post...but also a search for answers to my bewilderment.

The last 2 weeks I have done nothing but eat and unhealthily none the less. It didn't start off entirely bad, but oh the progression. It all starts with my Mom telling me to take a small break from tracking, so you see it's her fault...just kidding Mom!!! I'm sure by now that my weight is up like 5 pounds, however I am too much in denial to actually compare it with my last recorded weight. Because that makes it go away you know, not!

My real issue is this...I've started reading Bob Harper's book "The Skinny Rules" and it's like I went off the deep end. Now let me clarify that I did not give myself any time limits, start dates, or even say that I was FOR SURE going to jump completely on board with this plan. My mind however must have heard some warning siren that I didn't. I have been eating CRAP! and lots of it. Why do I do this? I haven't even said no to myself, but I'm acting like the end is near. I like to think of myself as a logical person, but this is just plum loco.

Source: Uploaded by user via Wendie on Pinterest

I've still been walking and trying to get a bit of exercise, but I would have to walk forever to undo this. I know what I want, I think, so....

Why, I say, why?

Refocusing

I have a lot on my mind so this post may ramble a bit, go one direction, and then totally change to another topic.   Hopefully by the end some of my thoughts will make sense and you'll understand where I'm at...physically, mentally, and emotionally.

I lost focus...I wanted to say screw it...I wanted to say who cares, but I do!  I've mentioned my struggles, some of my thoughts about food, and maybe some solutions in previous posts.  What I did with all of that is nothing!  Why?   I needed to clear my head, there was so much going on in there. 

I joke about me and OCD, but sometimes it's soooooo not funny!!  This blog, my "journey", all this was not suppose to be about dieting.  It was suppose to be about getting healthy, fit, living a life, and doing things with my family.  Things that I couldn't do sitting on the couch and getting fatter.  But it became just that, a diet.  I was struggling mentally!  Every time I've ever dieted it's been a total obsessive/compulsive struggle of will power and perfection.  All or none.

That is where I was headed again.  As the scale went down I knew that if I tried just a little harder then I could succeed faster.  I was having total anxiety moments fixing lunch for my kids.  If I got food/sauce on my fingers, I panicked.  Holly cow I almost licked a finger...the shame of those extra sauce calories.  I DO NOT WANT TO LIVE LIKE THAT!!!

What I had yet to do was get active.  Sure I picked up on my daily activity, did some chores that I'd put off, worked on the yard with my hubby, mowed the lawn, etc. A lot of it though is truly just what comes with warmer weather and more time outside.  I was still steering clear of actual honest to goodness exercise,  activity done totally for the purpose of improving my fitness level.  Why?  It scares me.  What if I fail or worse yet I become obsessive about it too.

You know what I did?  Friday I put my baby in her stroller, got the other two on bikes, and went for a walk.  A walk and no one made me.  I even had fun....ssshhhh!  I haven't just walked since I was FIRST pregnant with my sweet baby almost two years ago.  You know what else I did?  I played basketball tonight.  I was sweating and even warning my hubby that I may have to lay down in the driveway so they could do a chalk outline.  I was dying!  Guess what...I had fun and right now as I type this I feel good.

I haven't tracked my food or tried very hard for several weeks.  I truly think that I eat more when I track.  By golly if I have calories left, they're my calories, and I am going to use every last one.  I begin (here comes that word again) obsessing about everything:

• how much can eat
• when should I eat again
• how much should I eat for a given meal
• should I save calories for later in case I get hungry
• that doesn't have a lot of calories so I can eat 3x's more than I would eat normally

What all of that doesn't deal with or focus on is hunger and nutrition!  Should I be eating just because a number says I can?  Should I eat extra just because it fits within the numbers?  And truly, you can have a ton of empty calorie (non nutritious) snacks and still lose weigh, but I want to feel good too.

Do you want to guess about one more thing?  My weight was at an all new low this morning.  What strange things happen when I stop obsessing.

So I guess what I am trying to say is that I am refocusing and trying to figure out what will work for me.  I want to shift the focus back to health, fitness, and the journey of living my life with my family.  I don't want to be a bystander in my life.

Questions I'm still trying to answer:

• Do I still weigh? How often? Do I log it?
• Do I still need to count calories/points/proteins something?  Or do I pay attention to me.
• Do I get structured on exercise or wing it?
• Do I go get my head examined?? :-)

Holy post batman....thanks for making it to the end!

Check In

It amazes me how fast and busy the summer days can be. Tomorrow my sweet baby boy (he's my middle child) turns 7 years old and it seem like just yesterday he was my baby.

So... I thought that I needed to take a minute to check in and report on my progress. In my case it seems to be lack thereof. I've never really gotten totally back with it since my Grandma passed, but I don't want that to be, nor do I think that is the reason (excuse). What I've been struggling with lately is... "what's the point!"

I talked in my last post about the want it now food mentality and I really think that is one of the issues. I also think that when I start thinking about where I need to go & how far it is, I tend to get a little overwhelmed. And what originally started as a healthy lifestyle quest has turned into "just a diet"! I don't want to be on a diet, cuz isn't a diet just what someone eats... Good, bad, or other?

I will not give up though!! I neither gained or lost last week, but I think I got a bit lucky there. I'm gonna keep moving forward and I'm gonna start by buying a bike. I've got it all picked out & everything. All I can do is keep trying, and I will.

Goals... Maybe Not For Me?

I find myself with a bit of a dilemma. I feel like goals are not for me. This is not to say that I am content where I am at, that I am unmotivated, that I do not want to succeed. What it feels like is that I am a rebelling child, you tell me what to do and I'll do the opposite just to make you mad. It also makes me obsessed. Tell me I cannot weigh, for example, and that is all I am going to think about all week.

There are things that I want though. Ideas in my head of where I "think" I should/could be at given times in the future. How do I get there if I don't have goals?


I am obsessive/compulsive by nature, does my answer lie there? Do I trust myself & where I am headed? Do I get there when I get there? Or do I push myself? I truly do not know!

Taking Back Control

This week the scale won! Don't get me wrong, I don't mean the number, I mean the control it had on my week. I did so well last week that I was sure that I would have to be spot on this week for a loss. I was NOT totally spot on, weighing at least once daily (if not more), and wondering all week how I was going to deal with my 1st gain.

Well I didn't gain!! I lost 2.2 lbs for a new total of 34.6 lbs. This makes me wonder why I cannot just trust what I am doing, the changes I am making, and the importance of what I am doing for my life! I may not have been spot on, but I was well in control and SO much better than I ever was before I started this.

Today I do two things....

1. Celebrate me and my success! Woot woot!!

2. Give the scale to my hubby when he gets home and tell him I don't want to see it until next Monday! Over and done!

Here is to another great week!

Burger and Tots

Yesterday I ate a burger and tater tots.  It was delicious and I ate it like I had never eaten before!!   Then I struggled last night with my conscience.  I don't know why though, I didn't even go over my calories for the day.  What was I so concerned about?

In the past that would have been cheating and the mind can play all sorts of tricks on a person.  Last time I dieted and had a "free day", well that was the end.  I gave up!  But not this time, this is not a diet.  This is my life.

Today I am fine. 

Disbelief and Downplaying

Once again it is weigh-in day, one of those days that I either look forward to in anticipation of a loss or want to go away because of an expected gain. I have not had a so called bad week since I've begun my journey this time, so I have been eager for Monday's to see how much farther I've gone. I'm sure at some point in time I will have a bad week, such is life, until then come on Monday's.

I did notice however, that I am a little leery of celebrating the scale. It's like I don't believe it or I'm waiting for it to throw out some outrageous number when I least expect it. Then when it tells me something great, I downplay it and don't let myself get too excited. For example, last week I lost 3.4 lbs, and the only thing I could think of is that I better be really careful for the next week.  Otherwise, I would be disappointed with the number I saw next. I was happy with the number, but holding back, like I couldn't REALLY believe it without confirmation.

This morning I got my confirmation for last week, I was down 4.2 (for a total of 32.4 lbs).  And what did I immediately think, "ooohhhh this might not be good for next week!"  Not AWESOME, woot woot, or praise God! What is with that?

I'm fairly sure I know the answer to that.   If I don't let myself get too excited then I can't be too disappointed when I fail. Now, before you get all up in my face, I know that this is STUPID! It's how I am, very guarded (non-emotional), as is the family I come from. This is something I want to change on this journey too!

I want to say "I love you" to my Mom when I leave or hug my sister and it's not just weird. That's just how it is, but not with my own little family. We hug, kiss, and say I love you, but I started that from the beginning and it's "normal". I want to share my emotions with more than my little family and not be scared to be disappointed sometimes. I start now, no more downplaying!

"I TOTALLY ROCKED IT LAST WEEK!!!!"

Setting Yourself Up

People often talk about setting themselves up for failure, but you don't often hear about them setting themselves up for success. I think that it is easy to get lost and focus on the negatives of life, I for one am trying to teach my children to flop that process around. I feel that it is my job as their mother!

We all know the good ol standby sayings:

If you don't have anything nice to say then say nothing at all.

Think of it as the glass is half full, not empty.

Do unto others as you would like others to do unto you.

Words, while important, often get lost upon a child. Which leads me to one of the big ones; actions speak louder than words. This is something that I need to do! Not only to show those around me, but to show myself.

I've been stressing a little bit about the Mother's Day BBQ that I'm going to tomorrow, thinking that I'm gonna either blow it or not be able to eat at all. Today I decided that I am going to do neither. I'm going to set myself up for success instead! I'm bringing a couple of sides I can have and my own turkey burger. Te de, ta da and wa la!

A Change Is Gonna Come

Change.  A good thing, a bad thing???  I for one usually do not like change.  I like my routine, my expected, my guaranteed...I have anxiety (which I medicate) and that does not bode well with change.  But I am also smart, logical, and usually down from the clouds enough to know that change is gonna come!

I look forward to a changing body, wait, do I?  Honestly, I am anxious about aging, sagging skin from weight loss, cheater readers, and many more things that I have yet to experience.  Yesterday I struggled with anxiety and doom (even after taking my medicine the night before).  Most of it comes from my OCD and chaos in my life...if I could just be in charge of EVERYTHING it would all be good.  Today I am doing better, thanks to another dose of medicine last night.  Today I feel "normal" and ready to face the world and the change that comes with it.

How about if that change came soon enough to wear these ------->
This is a pile of 12 or more pairs of capris (all about the same size) that are too small for me.  When I started this journey wearing these seemed like a distant pipe dream.  When I originally tried a pair on, I couldn't even get each side of the zipper within 4" of each other.  Don't you just love the way the photo turned out?  It looks like there is an aura of goodness surrounding these capris.

Now just imagine my surprise (or just look at the photo), when I tried on that same pair the other day and zipped them.  They are NO where near public display worthy, but they were on.  I want this pile to get me through the warmer months, then be so big come fall, I won't be sad to see them go with the arrival of colder weather.  This is the kind of change that I think I can live with!!

More Randomness

I woke up today really mad at myself and disappointed.  Then I realized that it was all just a dream.  I had dreamt that I was having the "I don't really care, what's the point, it's just one meal" attitude.  It seemed so real!  When I took a step back I realized that I was having these thoughts for real a lot this week.  I didn't act upon them and I have eaten the correct amount of calories all week, but I have pushed it to the utmost limit.

The problem could be that I have been extremely busy this week.  I've got stuff going on personally with family and have tried to make time to help and do what I can.  I've also been volunteering at my kid's school for a fun walk on Friday and a big meet the teacher sort of  carnival bash tonight.  All this on top of the normal things I do and my big craft room redo/reorganization.  I've been allowing myself to get too hungry in between meals.  That is when those thoughts creep into my head and I have to watch myself really closely until I get some food into me.  I've made it so far, but maybe my subconscious is telling me that I need to check it out a bit closer before it goes too far.

I think I need to take some time next week to focus on me and my journey.  To remind myself that I can live my life right now how I want it to be in the future.  I may not be as fit as I want or weigh what I want to right now, but I will be there someday if I live today like I already am. 

Do what you always do and get what you always got...NO MORE!!