There Were No Fireworks

My big goal #1 has been met....as of Saturday morning I have lost 102.2 pounds!  I actually hit the 100 pound mark a couple days before that but didn't think I could/should post about it yet.  It's weird what's been going on in this head of mine and I think that I needed a moment.  Maybe I still do? Now I'm ready to TRY to explain. 

I'm actually struggling, which is weird considering that I've lost more weight than I ever have before.  I have felt myself slip into this attitude of complacency after being on a mission for so long.  It's almost like I am lost.  For a lack of a better way to explain I'm just going to make some lists.

The bad junk:

1. There is something somewhere deep inside of me making me feel like I don't really deserve it.  Like it's not that big of a deal.
2. I've been sick (not with the flu) for so long.  That's the only reason I made it.
3. It was just another day and another weigh-in.  There were no fireworks.
4. Now what? Gaining?
5. Fear (there is a lot of this one)
6. Doubt.  Stop now before I fail.
7. I'm feeling better and the hunger is BACK!!

The good junk:

1. I AM extremely proud. I never thought I'd ever lose any significant amount of weight again.
2. I did do it and I can keep doing it.
3. Christmas last year and this year...pictures don't lie.

As you can see the lists are a little lopsided.  I am a smart & logical person (usually) and I know that I really have accomplished a big thing.  I know I did it,  I know that I can keep doing it!  I just have trouble with the unknown.  What I need is a goal, something to work towards.  I'm not even sure that it needs to be a weight loss number.  I just need a direction, because how can I head in that direction if I don't know where I'm going?

For now I am going take a minute to be proud and celebrate my achievement. Be my own fireworks!  Then I will sit down and map out my path, so that I know where I am heading....

I Never and Other Reflections

I'm sitting on my couch relaxing while the baby is asleep and waiting to go pick up my other two from school.  I'm freezing, covered with a blanket, catching up on reading blogs.  I've also been thinking a lot, reflecting on the last year and the saying "never say never".

In the not so distant past I would have said....

I'll never lose close to 100 pounds in 2012.  It's just not possible, too insurmountable, to far from anything I can even comprehend.  I'm a lifetime dieter and the most I've ever lost was 85 pounds, so you see, not going to happen.  But it has and it will.  As of yesterday I am down 97 pounds.  Crazy and still incomprehensible.  All I can say is one moment at a time over the course of a year has become more than I could have ever have imagined.  So here's to all my moments to come!

I'm never cold.  I'm always hot.  I never wear sock, only flip-flops.  Two Christmases ago I was 7 months pregnant and roasting.  Last Christmas I was fatter than I was at 7 months pregnant and still roasting.  Any gathering would lead to flushed cheeks, fanning, and wishing I'd worn a short sleeved shirt.  This year I sit here in my fuzzy socks, jeans, shirt and sweatshirt, covered with a fleece blanket and still freezing.  Proof that fat is a great insulator.  Too bad I didn't live in the arctic.

I'm grateful today for many, MANY things.  Better health (even in the midst of the crud I currently have), my family and friends, this my 100th post, support, love, silliness, the sunshine and clouds (but truly it needs to snow...my patience is waning), the good and the bad, EVERYTHING!

I pray for another great year, day, moment.....

Two Down...

Well Thanksgiving is over and I made it.  Something else to add to my list of thankfulness!  I allowed myself 2 items I normally wouldn't eat out of what seemed like hundreds of those options.  I limited the amount too, just because I could have some didn't mean I needed to be stupid about it.  I made sure to have a large salad shortly before going, which I am sure helped.  I'm not going to say it was totally easy, but I also didn't feel entirely deprived.  Afterwards I'm positive the mental outlook was better than the alternative, for that I am extremely proud.

Later in the evening I was jonesing for some crack food, but I ate my leftover salad and drank some water.  Truly not what I wanted in the moment, but it IS what I wanted this morning and now I'm over it.  Since I didn't post my loss on Tuesday like I normally try to do, I'm greatful to be able to do it today... the day after Thanksgiving.  My weight was even down today from yesterday!  Without any further ado, my loss since my last weigh-in post is 2.8 lbs for a total of 83.2 lbs.

Halloween and Thanksgiving survived, now the Christmas season is calling my name....

Talking Food and Weigh-In

I don't talk a lot about my actual food or diet here specifically for a couple of reasons.  What works for one person is not always the answer for another.  Even my doctor says that there are millions of diets and combinations out there, not all good or bad, you just have to find what works for you.

Another reason for not "talking food" is the compassion one feels for what works for them.  I do not want someone to tell me what I am doing wrong when what I am doing right now is working for me.  I do not want to doubt myself, this is hard enough without that.  As long as my doctor is on board that's all that matters to me.

Don't get me wrong, I respect people's compassion because I get that way too.  Only in my case I sometimes call it obsession. :-).   It's hard for me to not run around screaming from the mountain tops about what and how I am doing.  It's hard not to share what makes me feel better, but it's me it's working for.   I do not understand your addictions or your issues with food.  I only understand mine.  My trigger is not your trigger, nor is my struggle the same as yours.

What I can offer though is support and understanding.  While I may not have the same specific struggle as someone else, I do share the "addiction".  Whether that be food, tobacco, or even exercise I GET the struggle and treasure the support.

Now for the weigh-in part, this week I lost 3 pounds bringing my total to 79.8 pounds. Halloween down, the rest of the holidays to go!  I'm working on staying conscious not obsessive and allowing myself to be human.  This journey is about so much more than food and pounds lost, it's about being nice to me too.

In Its Grips.... & A Weigh-In

It has been a while and I only have one excuse.  It's my darn book(s)!  I have literally been using ALL my free time (and more) reading.  I think I've mentioned before, I LOVE to read!  I am very aware of my love to read too, so I have to restrict myself a lot.  Well it didn't happen between the last two books. I finished one and rolled right into the next one in the series without pause.  I guess that's what happens when I have access to a "bookstore" on my iPad at 11:00 PM.  Not to mention that I just HAD to continue on in the series.  So....that's been the reason behind my absence.

I decided it was time for an update.  I looked back for my last weight loss check-in and realized it was two weeks ago.  I've been doing really well, trying to stay very conscious of me and my surroundings.  In fact a couple of weeks ago, after my last weigh-in post, I thought maybe I hadn't been eating enough. Horrible, I know!  It's funny how when you don't eat empty unnutritious things you don't consume 10,000 too many calories a day.  Okay maybe not that many, but I actually was instead not eating enough and that can be just as bad for health/weight loss.  I focused on eating a bit more frequently and I really think it helped.  In the last two weeks I've lost 7.6 lbs which brings my total to 76.8 lbs.

I'm really trying to focus on what's important to me and for me with the holiday season basically starting today. Happy Halloween, by the way!!  I really WANT to be successful through the end of the year and start the new year not having to make up for decisions made in the past.  Because that truly is what it's all about, decisions.  I'm going to try to make the correct ones for me so that I can keep....

I Don't Hate Myself Today

Today I went shopping for jeans.  Today I also don't hate myself.  Being able to say those two things on the same day....rare!!  Even better, I didn't necessarily find "dream jeans" today and I'm still okay.  I did however realize two important things.

First, I still have a long way to go and that's fine.  I am who I am right now in this moment and that's not even who I'll be later.  Shopping for clothing has always been so depressing, but knowing I'm making healthy changes takes away the power clothing always seems to have over me.  Besides, who I am is not defined by the size of my body or the clothes I wear.  Looking cute is just a bonus I get with the health I am seeking.

Second, I'm smaller than I thought.  What a problem, huh?  That's not the point though.  The point is in what I've discovered...I  think I hide behind my clothes.  I wear things looser than what most people would consider too big.  I think it's because I relate tight to gaining weight and I think looser hides the fat.  What I realized today is that there is not clothing out there that is going to hide the fat and that I'm not going to find clothing that makes me look thin.  I'm NOT thin and clothing is NOT magical.  What I have to get is something I like, feel comfortable in, and fits.

Now just because I know this does not mean that it'll be easier to shop now.  I'm pretty sure I'm still going to have issues.  It just means that on the good days I'm smart enough to know what really matters.

Sweating

This picture makes me shutter.

Today I got my sweat on.  This is big for me.  I avoid exercise for several reasons, most of them very illogical ones, but sweating is one of them.


You see I have an aversion to sweat. I emotionally link sweating to being fat, lazy, and out of shape.  Fat people sweat while just sitting there.  They poor sweat with even a little exertion.  At least I do did.

It's embarrassing having sweat running down the back of your legs or in between you boobs while just sitting in a chair.  Can you even imagine what it might be like if I were to actually exercise?

I know that this is very illogical and I have visual proof all around me telling me such, but for some reason I have that link in my brain that tells me otherwise.  I'm pretty sure it has something to do with the fact that I didn't sweat until I was 25.

Before my first child, at 25, I didn't sweat. Really.  I just turned really red and ended up with heat stroke.  For some reason after having a baby I was able to sweat and my ability to do it got better after each baby.  Now after 3 kids I seem to sweat with no problem.  Did I also mention that I got fatter after each baby too?  Link?

I am going to try to push through this nonsense and strengthen not only my body, but my mind as well.  I truly love the way I feel when I am done!  Someday I hope to be able to change these thoughts on sweating to something different.  Maybe something like....

 

 

Quick Weight Update

Just a quick weigh-in for the week.  After my "episode" Saturday I am happy to report a loss of .2 bringing my total to 69.2 pounds.  I am happy about two things.

First, I went right back to eating as I should after Saturday.  Each day has been a little easier, but I saw how easily I could have derailed myself permanently.  The main difference this time is that I am not allowing myself to give up.

Secondly, I am very happy with my loss.  I was expecting a gain.  This is good for me mentally right now.  I still have those perfection issues to deal with and I was worried a gain would trigger something.  Now hopefully I can be better prepared next time.

Here's to another great week.

A Different Kind of Weigh-In

I didn't post my weigh-in last week and it had nothing to do with it not being good.  In fact I had an awesome loss of 3.6 pounds.  The reason I didn't post is that I was conflicted and to be quite honest I still am.

I've been thinking a lot about what exactly this blog is for me, how much to share, how much hard stuff to put out there, who I am doing it for,  and so much more.  I've been definite in my answers to myself at some points and wavering to the extremes at others.  Here is where I think I stand on some of my issues right now...

This blog is for ME.

It's where I can share a difficult journey with anyone interested.

It's a place where I can be held accountable and seek input.

It's a way for me to say things I need to express but maybe need to hide behind my blog to do it.

It's where I can go to see that other people out there struggle and succeed too.

I want it to be a place where I can be honest and not just sugar coat everything.

Unfortunately this is not exactly how it has worked out all the time.  When I struggled a while back I stopped posting because no one wanted to hear about a failure on a health/weight loss blog, right?!(I'm over the failure thing so no need to comment on that.)  I also struggle with posting some truths that I think are very important to my journey, such as my before pictures.  It is hard for me to say out loud things that embarrass me and I'm not talking about normal embarrassment type things like farts.   Those things don't bug me, it's those things which usually make me feel like a failure.  You know the whole OCD I am perfect in every way or I don't try mentality.

This brings me to the subject of how much is too much, too personal, or otherwise not relevant to share.  Right now I would say nothing is.  Truth is, the harder it is to share the more it probably should be.  I'm realizing this is as much a mental journey as a physical one.  I need to accept the truths completely, honestly, and openly because only then can I change.

Now the reason behind my conflict last week....I was celebrating a milestone.  In order to share this celebration with you I would have had to post a truth that I didn't think I could, should, or wanted to.  I still don't know if I'm ready, but it is what it is.  Last weeks loss put me at a total of 66.8 lbs but it also put me at 298.8. Finally under 300 lbs for the first time in around six years.  It's hard for me to admit how far I let myself go, how far I still need to go, but it truly is what it is.  Moving on.

Now for my weigh-in this week.  I lost another 2.2 for a total of 69 lbs!  At least I rock..that softens the blow.  Plus I will hopefully never have to say anything like that ever again.

Moving Forward

Just a quick update on my weight loss, today I was down 3.2 lbs since my last weigh-in. This brings me to a total 61 lbs.  I'm very happy with this and my progress so far.  I really have been trying to make some lasting changes.  

My weight loss to date has really gotten me to thinking though, the most I've ever lost at any one given time is 85 lbs.  I'm a little nervous and maybe jumping the gun a bit, but this fact makes me very anxious.  There is one big difference this time though...the amount of weight I need to lose.  This time I was basically the largest I have ever been when starting (less about 5 lbs) so I know I have a lot more to lose.  I am hoping that 85 lbs comes & goes with no mental blocks.  I also really think the problem has more to do with getting close to the weight I want to be and becoming too comfortable...self sabotage?!  This is something for a later post, but definitely something I am not going to ignore. 

Weekly Weigh-In

Last week's loss was huge so I wasn't expecting much this week.  I ended up weighing-in down 1.4 lbs for a total of 57.8 lbs.  This I can handle.  I had another awesome week & was not worried, but I do know my body so this was more than expected.  You see, I lose one large chunk every month (when I am doing as I should) and it is the sign that my monthly visitor will be arriving very soon. And I am not like most normal people, I don't get the bloaty water weight stuff.  I actually weigh significantly less 2-3 days prior.  Odd, yes that's me.  TMI, yes that's me too.

What all that usually means is that no matter how spot on I've been the week after one of these huge losses, I tend to lose mere ounces the next week.  That is why this is a GREAT loss!

Do you have any weird (or not so weird) I know myself oddities?

It's Official

This morning I weighed-in at the exact same weight I was when I went to deliver my second child over 7 years ago.  If only I were birthing a baby today, not because I want another, but because that sure would be a big boost to the weight loss.

This is both a happy and sad moment. Sad because it's ridiculous I weighed less 9 months pregnant, that it's taken me soooo long to get back here, that I would let myself go like that, etc. Happy because I'm proud of what I've accomplished, proud of where I'm heading, and excited to enter the pre baby #2 territory.

Today I weighed-in with a loss of  5.8 pounds (hot diggity dog) bringing my total to 56.4 pounds. I feel good!

Things Are Not Alway As They Seem

The handcuffs on my nightstand, not mine...they were left there by the kid "cops" that decided to watch tv in my bed. (I really should move them before someone gets the wrong idea.)

The elipticle in the house of someone (me) on a health journey...dusty and taunting from the corner where it sits.

The always clean house of Miss OCD (also me)...please don't ever look in my bedroom or bathroom or closet, or anywhere else out of the main line of sight.

The pantry of a fat person full of Easter, Halloween, or any other holiday candy...we don't eat it, really we don't. That's why it's still there.

The smile on my face & the "it's ok" coming from my mouth about my hubby being gone every week for the last several weeks (and the several more to come)...not true, I hate it! But "it's ok" we are fine.

The clothes that are too big, YEA!...not good when you don't have the next size down (I have tons of 2 sizes down) or any money.

The joys of a shrinking body...well except the sagging skin, flapping arms, rashes, etc.

Sometime when things are not what they seem it takes a moment to see the real truth. I am a work in progress and I am proud of my eating and all that comes with it. The good, the bad, and the plain 'ol ugly. I am healthier and that is where I really want to be.

Weigh Day After Vacation

First I must start off saying what a treat it was to go on my little mini vacation.  I've gone to McCall all of my life because my parents have a cabin there, but what a totally different experience it was staying in town in a motel.  It was like we were tourists.

The first day while my hubby worked my kids and I explored town, which we don't really ever do when we are at the cabin.  We played on the beach, checked out the little shops, had a coffee, and just wandered around.  On the other days we went shoe shopping, picked huckleberries, swam in the lake, and also swam in the hotel pool.

The hotel had breakfast every morning and there were even some healthy choices.  I did really well with breakfast.  Lunch wasn't too bad either because we ate things we brought with us.  Dinner was a bit tougher because of course it's harder when you go out.  I feel like I chose really well everywhere we went.  We even went for sushi, which was a first for me.  I did plan for and allow myself one treat and that was a dish of ice-cream from a place called Ice-Cream Alley.  It was good, I ate what I wanted, then I threw the rest away.

When we got home I could tell for the first couple of days that I needed water, even though I tried really hard to make sure I got in my water.  It could have had something to do with the amount of wine I may have drank.  Thankfully for my weigh-in this morning I finally felt back to "normal".  I am VERY happy with a loss of 1.4 lbs making my total now 50.6 lbs.  I realized when I logged my weight earlier today that this makes me past the 1/2 way mark to my first goal of losing 100 lbs.  I will still need to lose more after the 100, but I really wanted to give myself something tangible to reach for.

On another note, school started for my older two yesterday.  Even though I am sad to see the summer break end, I am anxious to get back into our normal routine again.  Summer often feels like such a free for all.  Now if I could just get my hubby back in town permanently!

Quick Weigh-In on My Mini Vacation

My husband has been working out of town for the last couple weeks and will have to continue to do so for a few more.  This week the kids and I decided to go with him since it is our last week before school starts.  I'm calling it our mini vacation.

Since I was not going to be home tomorrow to weigh-in on my normal day I went ahead and weighed this morning.  I was very happy and excited to see a loss of 3.2 more pounds, making my total now 49.2! Oh 50 pounds I can almost grab you...I've been very diligent lately.

My goal for the next several days is to make sure that I continue to eat well even while I'm out of town.  I packed breakfast stuff and snacks, so I'm headed in the right direction.  I'm also going to take time while the hubby is at work to swim and explore with the kids.  I forgot the stoller so I had to stop and buy one of those umbrella ones, but we plan on walking about town.

Now just praying the baby sleeps well while we are gone.

Weigh-in

Well I'm only a day late with my weight loss check in.  Things are moving along really well, today I am down a total of 46 pounds.  I'm not exactly sure where I was the last time I reported in, so I only have the total handy.  I'm really proud of this number.

I'm really starting to feel good!  Eating healthy foods in their more natural state really agrees with me.  Right now I'm not really missing the processed crap, but I won't lie and say that I wouldn't really love a peanut butter Twix.

My thoughts right now on that... I'm doing really good and not struggling, so I'm just going to keep running with it.  I don't feel like I NEED a Twix right now, I would just like one.  As I have said before I am trying to make this about real life, not dreamy diet land, so nothing is a NEVER again food.  I just need to leave "those" foods for when I NEED them, special occasions, and those once in a blue moon type of days.

I really wish I could understand why sometimes it seems so easy and other times it seems so hard.  Right now I am just rolling with it.  Maybe later when it's not so easy I can look back and find something I've written that will shed a little light on it or inspire me to get going again.  Because even though I am doing good right now, my journey has only just begun.

So Busy

I meant to post yesterday, but I have been so busy.  Last weekend my family and I went out of town and then my hubby had to leave Monday morning to work out of town.  Then throw in a trip to Target and Costco, not to mention we have swimming lessons every day this week.  It definitely makes for a more hectic day when the hubby doesn't get to come home for a bit of a reprieve.  However, he is good at putting everything in perspective for me, even over the phone.  We have been keeping busy and managing just fine, but I can't lie, I cannot wait for him to get home.

I do have good news to report, the eating front has been spot on.  I went out of town and kept right on trucking.  I made sure to pack appropriately and be prepared.  While we were gone I also got in a bike ride and a bit of swimming.  It was so much fun.  All of my hard work paid off and yesterday I recorded a 2 lbs loss for a total of 42.4 lbs. Yay!!

I have noticed something in the last couple of evenings though, I am craving/wanting some unhealthy foods.  I think that I have decided it is from boredom and loneliness.  It hits after I have put the kids to bed, when I usually sit and relax with the hubby after a long day.  I've managed so far, drank a big glass of water and had a healthy snack, but I definitely want the hubby home.

I'm going to try to get some photos posted from our weekend away, it just may take a couple of days. Here's to a GREAT rest of the week!

Do You Want to Know What I Did?

Last night I did something that is really hard for me.  I'm not going to say I haven't done it before, but it's one of those things that doesn't happen very often...like Christmas.

Okay it all started off with me fixing myself a large plate of food for dinner.  After all I was having mostly veggies, so it was a large nice looking spread.  I went easy on all the non veggies and I had great variety.  But this isn't about what I put ON my plate, it about what I LEFT on my plate.  Yeah you heard correctly, I left food on my plate.  I was eating and chatting with my hubby when all of the sudden I realized I was full, I decided to stop.  This is a BIG thing for me!

Just two nights earlier I was chatting with my mother that I was trying to control my starting portions and wait to see if I really wanted seconds.  I've always had a problem with eating everything on my plate, and not the one where she had to force me to finish.  You see it usually doesn't matter how much is there or how full I already am, I will clean my plate like all good girls do. :-)

Well, my starting portion was big last night, like I said earlier.  When I got full I stopped.  I don't know why exactly, but I did.  Maybe it's that I've been trying to watch my serving sizes and it's working.  Maybe it's that the way I'm eating allows me to have as much as I want, so I am not stressing about not getting enough. Maybe it's a fluke?  Who knows, but like I've said before, I'm going to run with it and keep on trying.

Now on a totally separate note, I've lost another 1.4 pounds.  My total lost is now at 40.4!!  Yeah...I rock!

Reality

When people lose weight I think they have this preconceived notion on how it will go and a visual of where they're going to end up.  Ok maybe not all people, but I do.  In the past I've started out strong and then I start getting these mental images of what I'm going to look like and how easy it's going to be.  These images are not necessarily in focus and they may even lack a face, but I can see this shape of the person I think I'm going to become.

In the past, on my many many many "failed" diet attempts, I get discouraged that I am not meeting the goals set forth by these visuals in my head.  Things get harder, life happens, and "reality" sets in.  I'm a "failure", I will never look like I've pictured, why do I even try?

This time it's different.  I've realize something, my "reality" and "failure" were off.  My visuals were impossible misleading and my ideas of easy sailing were wishful thinking.  This is a process, a journey, one that I KNOW without a doubt that I will struggle with.  The difference, I embrace this & will not give up... even if it takes forever.

I also know a few other things.  That person I see in my mind is not me.  I cannot change some thing no matter how much I wish I could.  I will not become petite, for heaven sakes I'm 5'10".  I will not have skinny, sexy legs...that is just not how I am built.  And you know all this skin that covers this body, it's not going to all go away.  I am working on being okay with all of this.

Do you want to know something else?  I like me, I really think I am kind of pretty, & I am trying to be proud of who I am right now.  But, I am also trying to accept how others see me with a little bit a grace instead of disbelief.  My hubby says I am not "kind of pretty", I am beautiful...I don't quite see it that way yet, maybe never, but I am trying.

Source: dontfeelright.tumblr.com via Wendie on Pinterest

I guess what I am saying with all of this is that I am trying to accept that this is a process.  I need to be REAL, accepting, & loving to myself.  I'm not perfect, but when it comes down to it, I really do like me.

What I've Been Up To

Last Wednesday was my let's get back at it buckle down day.  I've been doing GREAT and I feel really good.  My eating has done a complete 360 and all that is going into my body are foods in their natural state (for the most part) and I have not eaten boxed or prepackaged meals since.  I have also increased my water intake back up to where it should be.

It hasn't been all rosy colored, day 3 sucked.  I didn't feel well, I think it was sugar withdrawal.  Could have been wine withdrawal too. :-)  I am giving up my wine for two weeks and then it's back to a glass of red a day at most.

I can't believe the difference, but then again I can, I've been here before.  It makes me wonder WHY would I want to feel the other way?  I was also wondering how come I hadn't been cooking more? My hubby and I both love to cook and we both agree it tastes way better than going out.  I'm sure that it's a time/lazy thing, but I'm gonna make the time.

The only thing that I could be doing better at the moment is getting more physical activity, but I blame the books!  I've been sucked (willingly) into the 50 Shades series and it's been hard for me to even get the regular daily chores done.  I'm about 1/2 way through the last book, so the end is near, then no more excuses.

I updated my weight loss ticker at the bottom today and it now reflects my 39 pound loss as of today.  I go to the doctor on Friday for my follow-up and lab results, so I'll let you know how that goes. 


Right now I'll just keep plugging along...