Today I went shopping for jeans. Today I also don't hate myself. Being able to say those two things on the same day....rare!! Even better, I didn't necessarily find "dream jeans" today and I'm still okay. I did however realize two important things.
First, I still have a long way to go and that's fine. I am who I am right now in this moment and that's not even who I'll be later. Shopping for clothing has always been so depressing, but knowing I'm making healthy changes takes away the power clothing always seems to have over me. Besides, who I am is not defined by the size of my body or the clothes I wear. Looking cute is just a bonus I get with the health I am seeking.
Second, I'm smaller than I thought. What a problem, huh? That's not the point though. The point is in what I've discovered...I think I hide behind my clothes. I wear things looser than what most people would consider too big. I think it's because I relate tight to gaining weight and I think looser hides the fat. What I realized today is that there is not clothing out there that is going to hide the fat and that I'm not going to find clothing that makes me look thin. I'm NOT thin and clothing is NOT magical. What I have to get is something I like, feel comfortable in, and fits.
Now just because I know this does not mean that it'll be easier to shop now. I'm pretty sure I'm still going to have issues. It just means that on the good days I'm smart enough to know what really matters.