Monday, May 14, 2012

Disbelief and Downplaying

Once again it is weigh-in day, one of those days that I either look forward to in anticipation of a loss or want to go away because of an expected gain. I have not had a so called bad week since I've begun my journey this time, so I have been eager for Monday's to see how much farther I've gone. I'm sure at some point in time I will have a bad week, such is life, until then come on Monday's.

I did notice however, that I am a little leery of celebrating the scale. It's like I don't believe it or I'm waiting for it to throw out some outrageous number when I least expect it. Then when it tells me something great, I downplay it and don't let myself get too excited. For example, last week I lost 3.4 lbs, and the only thing I could think of is that I better be really careful for the next week.  Otherwise, I would be disappointed with the number I saw next. I was happy with the number, but holding back, like I couldn't REALLY believe it without confirmation.

This morning I got my confirmation for last week, I was down 4.2 (for a total of 32.4 lbs).  And what did I immediately think, "ooohhhh this might not be good for next week!"  Not AWESOME, woot woot, or praise God! What is with that?

I'm fairly sure I know the answer to that.   If I don't let myself get too excited then I can't be too disappointed when I fail. Now, before you get all up in my face, I know that this is STUPID! It's how I am, very guarded (non-emotional), as is the family I come from. This is something I want to change on this journey too!

I want to say "I love you" to my Mom when I leave or hug my sister and it's not just weird. That's just how it is, but not with my own little family. We hug, kiss, and say I love you, but I started that from the beginning and it's "normal". I want to share my emotions with more than my little family and not be scared to be disappointed sometimes. I start now, no more downplaying!



  1. I love you for you and I admire what you are doing and where you are and where I "think" you are going. I Love you