In Its Grips.... & A Weigh-In

It has been a while and I only have one excuse.  It's my darn book(s)!  I have literally been using ALL my free time (and more) reading.  I think I've mentioned before, I LOVE to read!  I am very aware of my love to read too, so I have to restrict myself a lot.  Well it didn't happen between the last two books. I finished one and rolled right into the next one in the series without pause.  I guess that's what happens when I have access to a "bookstore" on my iPad at 11:00 PM.  Not to mention that I just HAD to continue on in the series.  So....that's been the reason behind my absence.

I decided it was time for an update.  I looked back for my last weight loss check-in and realized it was two weeks ago.  I've been doing really well, trying to stay very conscious of me and my surroundings.  In fact a couple of weeks ago, after my last weigh-in post, I thought maybe I hadn't been eating enough. Horrible, I know!  It's funny how when you don't eat empty unnutritious things you don't consume 10,000 too many calories a day.  Okay maybe not that many, but I actually was instead not eating enough and that can be just as bad for health/weight loss.  I focused on eating a bit more frequently and I really think it helped.  In the last two weeks I've lost 7.6 lbs which brings my total to 76.8 lbs.

I'm really trying to focus on what's important to me and for me with the holiday season basically starting today. Happy Halloween, by the way!!  I really WANT to be successful through the end of the year and start the new year not having to make up for decisions made in the past.  Because that truly is what it's all about, decisions.  I'm going to try to make the correct ones for me so that I can keep....

I Don't Hate Myself Today

Today I went shopping for jeans.  Today I also don't hate myself.  Being able to say those two things on the same day....rare!!  Even better, I didn't necessarily find "dream jeans" today and I'm still okay.  I did however realize two important things.

First, I still have a long way to go and that's fine.  I am who I am right now in this moment and that's not even who I'll be later.  Shopping for clothing has always been so depressing, but knowing I'm making healthy changes takes away the power clothing always seems to have over me.  Besides, who I am is not defined by the size of my body or the clothes I wear.  Looking cute is just a bonus I get with the health I am seeking.

Second, I'm smaller than I thought.  What a problem, huh?  That's not the point though.  The point is in what I've discovered...I  think I hide behind my clothes.  I wear things looser than what most people would consider too big.  I think it's because I relate tight to gaining weight and I think looser hides the fat.  What I realized today is that there is not clothing out there that is going to hide the fat and that I'm not going to find clothing that makes me look thin.  I'm NOT thin and clothing is NOT magical.  What I have to get is something I like, feel comfortable in, and fits.

Now just because I know this does not mean that it'll be easier to shop now.  I'm pretty sure I'm still going to have issues.  It just means that on the good days I'm smart enough to know what really matters.

No Longer Comforting

"You carry you weight well."

This is something that use to comfort me.  Maybe people don't know how much I REALLY weigh.  Maybe they think I am just a little over weigh, not morbidly obese.  After all, I've always been taller and bigger than everyone even when I wasn't "fat".  I weigh THAT much more because I always have.

Then I went to the Dr. the other day and they gave me a print out of the main information in my chart.  Some new law or something.  I saw this....

Apparently I haven't gotten them fooled.  They don't care how tall I am or how I am built. It only confirmed with me that day what I have already decided.  I don't want to "carry my weight well" anymore, I simply just don't want to carry it at all.

Sweating

This picture makes me shutter.

Today I got my sweat on.  This is big for me.  I avoid exercise for several reasons, most of them very illogical ones, but sweating is one of them.


You see I have an aversion to sweat. I emotionally link sweating to being fat, lazy, and out of shape.  Fat people sweat while just sitting there.  They poor sweat with even a little exertion.  At least I do did.

It's embarrassing having sweat running down the back of your legs or in between you boobs while just sitting in a chair.  Can you even imagine what it might be like if I were to actually exercise?

I know that this is very illogical and I have visual proof all around me telling me such, but for some reason I have that link in my brain that tells me otherwise.  I'm pretty sure it has something to do with the fact that I didn't sweat until I was 25.

Before my first child, at 25, I didn't sweat. Really.  I just turned really red and ended up with heat stroke.  For some reason after having a baby I was able to sweat and my ability to do it got better after each baby.  Now after 3 kids I seem to sweat with no problem.  Did I also mention that I got fatter after each baby too?  Link?

I am going to try to push through this nonsense and strengthen not only my body, but my mind as well.  I truly love the way I feel when I am done!  Someday I hope to be able to change these thoughts on sweating to something different.  Maybe something like....

 

 

Quick Weight Update

Just a quick weigh-in for the week.  After my "episode" Saturday I am happy to report a loss of .2 bringing my total to 69.2 pounds.  I am happy about two things.

First, I went right back to eating as I should after Saturday.  Each day has been a little easier, but I saw how easily I could have derailed myself permanently.  The main difference this time is that I am not allowing myself to give up.

Secondly, I am very happy with my loss.  I was expecting a gain.  This is good for me mentally right now.  I still have those perfection issues to deal with and I was worried a gain would trigger something.  Now hopefully I can be better prepared next time.

Here's to another great week.

I Ate

On Saturday I ate.  I ate what I wanted, I ate too much, I was not in control.  This scares me.

I made the decision to have a day free from the constraints of perfection.  Perfection turned straight into abandon.  This is how I seem to be.  All or none, black or white, call it what you will.

I am okay with taking a day.  I am not okay with going to the point of abandon.  It also scares the crap out of me that this will signal the start of the end, I'm done.  After all, this is what always happens.  I will NOT let that happen.

Yesterday I struggled and a battle raged on within my head.  Thoughts of defeat, what's the point, now I'm going to gain weight this week.  I didn't give in.  Today has been a bit easier but I am still scared of the scale tomorrow.  I don't want it to trigger more.

I've been trying to be logical about it all.... One day, it's not that bad.  You can learn from this experience and be better prepared next time.  It is okay to not be perfect. There may be a gain but that too is not the end of the world.  This is a journey not a quick trip.

That is all true, but it's still scary.  If I let it, my mind could still defeat me.  I'm going to try my hardest not to let it because it is what it is, moving on!  I will NOT give up!

A Different Kind of Weigh-In

I didn't post my weigh-in last week and it had nothing to do with it not being good.  In fact I had an awesome loss of 3.6 pounds.  The reason I didn't post is that I was conflicted and to be quite honest I still am.

I've been thinking a lot about what exactly this blog is for me, how much to share, how much hard stuff to put out there, who I am doing it for,  and so much more.  I've been definite in my answers to myself at some points and wavering to the extremes at others.  Here is where I think I stand on some of my issues right now...

This blog is for ME.

It's where I can share a difficult journey with anyone interested.

It's a place where I can be held accountable and seek input.

It's a way for me to say things I need to express but maybe need to hide behind my blog to do it.

It's where I can go to see that other people out there struggle and succeed too.

I want it to be a place where I can be honest and not just sugar coat everything.

Unfortunately this is not exactly how it has worked out all the time.  When I struggled a while back I stopped posting because no one wanted to hear about a failure on a health/weight loss blog, right?!(I'm over the failure thing so no need to comment on that.)  I also struggle with posting some truths that I think are very important to my journey, such as my before pictures.  It is hard for me to say out loud things that embarrass me and I'm not talking about normal embarrassment type things like farts.   Those things don't bug me, it's those things which usually make me feel like a failure.  You know the whole OCD I am perfect in every way or I don't try mentality.

This brings me to the subject of how much is too much, too personal, or otherwise not relevant to share.  Right now I would say nothing is.  Truth is, the harder it is to share the more it probably should be.  I'm realizing this is as much a mental journey as a physical one.  I need to accept the truths completely, honestly, and openly because only then can I change.

Now the reason behind my conflict last week....I was celebrating a milestone.  In order to share this celebration with you I would have had to post a truth that I didn't think I could, should, or wanted to.  I still don't know if I'm ready, but it is what it is.  Last weeks loss put me at a total of 66.8 lbs but it also put me at 298.8. Finally under 300 lbs for the first time in around six years.  It's hard for me to admit how far I let myself go, how far I still need to go, but it truly is what it is.  Moving on.

Now for my weigh-in this week.  I lost another 2.2 for a total of 69 lbs!  At least I rock..that softens the blow.  Plus I will hopefully never have to say anything like that ever again.

Nemesis

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately about how far I've come and how much farther I need to go.  I have several reoccurring thoughts that I need to address, but the one that I try to avoid talking about the most need to deal with is exercise.

I struggle with exercise. True I am uncoordinated, but I mean in a more mental way.  I like to consider myself a very logical person and as such I know that exercises is one of the best things I can do.  Not just for my body, but also for my weight loss journey.  Logical, easy, lets do it, right? Ummm, not so much.

Logic is one thing, OCD is another.  I really struggle with doing new things because I have this mental need to be successful/perfect from the start.  It truly becomes a battle of the mind.  My logical (and much smarter) side gets that this is not possible, while at the same time my obsessive side expects perfection.

Then there is the possibility of weight gain when beginning exercise.  I know this fact, logically, but you try convincing me of that when I see the gain.  Not to mention that this is suppose to be a journey about health, not weight loss.  I just always seem to get all caught up in things in my head.  A battle of wills.  Maybe I don't give myself enough credit, but past experience points to the OCD winning taking control.

I've seriously been considering setting some goals for myself.  Maybe tricking allowing myself to take smaller steps towards success.  But alas, this brings up the issues I have with goals, which basically brings us right back around to my OCD.  I've mentioned before that goals are hard for me.  It brings out the little obsessive monster inside me.  I become very all or none.  All is not necessarily bad in this case, but I tend to push until I can't go anymore and then I'm done.  Maybe what I need is someone to hold my hand?!

There is nothing like a little weight loss to make you start having to deal with all the other issues.  This is not an issue I will give up on.  I just don't have it all worked out yet.  Besides, how could I forget when this....

stares at me every morning when I get out of bed.

So Much Going On In Here

My mind is whirling.  I have so much that I've been thinking about, dealing with, or hiding from.  Now more than ever I feel the urge to turn to food, to seek my favorite comfort.  I haven't though.  I am VERY aware of it and fighting it with all I have.  I SOOOO wanted a peanut butter Twix yesterday, so I told my husband yesterday that today on his way home from work to stop and get me one.  I told him NO kingsize, just a two bar pack he can put in the fridge. I like them cold.  It's still in the fridge tonight and I am okay, sipping on a glass of wine instead.

Even though I've resisted the urges I have felt my eating slip onto a more lenient path.  I am trying to take care of some issues and I plan to focus on my healthy eating this week.  Will power will only take me so far, I MUST make the changes needed to deal with life.  I feel like this has been the first test and I am happy to at least see it.

On a totally unrelated note....I went through all my clothes & have a huge pile of too big.  This is good! I'm torn about what to do with them though.  I feel like I should box them up and keep them "just in case", but I also don't want to because this time is suppose to be "it"!  I keep wavering back & forth between what I want to be true & all the previous failed attempts.  I think if I keep them then I doubt myself, but if I get rid of them then that's silliness based on the past. Help!?!?