I've Gone Crazy!

This here is a come clean post...but also a search for answers to my bewilderment.

The last 2 weeks I have done nothing but eat and unhealthily none the less. It didn't start off entirely bad, but oh the progression. It all starts with my Mom telling me to take a small break from tracking, so you see it's her fault...just kidding Mom!!! I'm sure by now that my weight is up like 5 pounds, however I am too much in denial to actually compare it with my last recorded weight. Because that makes it go away you know, not!

My real issue is this...I've started reading Bob Harper's book "The Skinny Rules" and it's like I went off the deep end. Now let me clarify that I did not give myself any time limits, start dates, or even say that I was FOR SURE going to jump completely on board with this plan. My mind however must have heard some warning siren that I didn't. I have been eating CRAP! and lots of it. Why do I do this? I haven't even said no to myself, but I'm acting like the end is near. I like to think of myself as a logical person, but this is just plum loco.

Source: Uploaded by user via Wendie on Pinterest

I've still been walking and trying to get a bit of exercise, but I would have to walk forever to undo this. I know what I want, I think, so....

Why, I say, why?

I'm Here...

I have so much to say and so little time!  I signed up to take part in a 100 card swap (I make cards too) and the deadline is upon me.  I also had a BBQ shindig last Saturday that I was planning and prepping for.  I promise a good post within the next couple of days.  I want to talk about a lot things, including the book I am reading and the fact that I have not been doing so hot.  Even though my hubby says that all of the sudden I got "skinnier"!  Go figure.

For the time being I am following the note in the picture!!  Be back soon.

Quick Weigh-In

I weighed-in this morning with a 1.2 pound loss, bringing me back to 34.2 pounds. I'm only .4 from where I got distracted off track. I am happy with this and really want to continue moving in the right direction. My eating is not exactly what I want it to be, but I am trying to at least be aware. I am also trying to incorporate exercise into every day. Today was a quick ride on my new bike with my kiddos in tow leading the way! I leave you with some shots of our fun. (I need to get someone to get me in a photo someday!)

The baby is riding her pony

My biggest baby girl

My boy, what more is there to say

My bike, ain't she a beaut! (my hubby is trying to adjust the brakes)

Play By Play Monday

Today I:

Fed the baby
Got ready for the day
Watered my flowers outside
Went and watered my mom's flowers
Came home and went for a walk with the baby & my sweet girl on her bike
Drank a ton of water
Started some laundry
Opened all the windows
Fed the baby (and I had some yogurt & Kashi)
Did the dishes
Vacuumed the house
Put the baby down for her nap and closed all the windows (stupid dogs bark & wake her)
Shopped for bikes & trailers online
Switched to Pinterest
Ate too many chips with veggie dip
Contemplated a nap, but I don't nap
Started this blog post
Swapped laundry & folded
Opened all the windows again
Got the baby a snack, rounded up the kids (plus a neighbor kid), & headed to Target
Bought a bike, bike trailer, & other misc toys (picture soon!)
Fed the baby
Watered the inside plants
Had a glass of wine with a friend
Folded & put away more laundry
Closed windows (wow I messed with the windows a lot today)
Ate delicious nachos my hubby made me
Changed a poopy
Washed sippy cups & cleaned up the kitchen
Rocked the baby, kissed all my kiddos, & put them to bed
Now I'm finishing this post & enjoying another glass of wine
I see Pinterest & maybe a game in my future...oh & hopefully an early bed time!

Hope you enjoyed my day! I did!

Refocusing

I have a lot on my mind so this post may ramble a bit, go one direction, and then totally change to another topic.   Hopefully by the end some of my thoughts will make sense and you'll understand where I'm at...physically, mentally, and emotionally.

I lost focus...I wanted to say screw it...I wanted to say who cares, but I do!  I've mentioned my struggles, some of my thoughts about food, and maybe some solutions in previous posts.  What I did with all of that is nothing!  Why?   I needed to clear my head, there was so much going on in there. 

I joke about me and OCD, but sometimes it's soooooo not funny!!  This blog, my "journey", all this was not suppose to be about dieting.  It was suppose to be about getting healthy, fit, living a life, and doing things with my family.  Things that I couldn't do sitting on the couch and getting fatter.  But it became just that, a diet.  I was struggling mentally!  Every time I've ever dieted it's been a total obsessive/compulsive struggle of will power and perfection.  All or none.

That is where I was headed again.  As the scale went down I knew that if I tried just a little harder then I could succeed faster.  I was having total anxiety moments fixing lunch for my kids.  If I got food/sauce on my fingers, I panicked.  Holly cow I almost licked a finger...the shame of those extra sauce calories.  I DO NOT WANT TO LIVE LIKE THAT!!!

What I had yet to do was get active.  Sure I picked up on my daily activity, did some chores that I'd put off, worked on the yard with my hubby, mowed the lawn, etc. A lot of it though is truly just what comes with warmer weather and more time outside.  I was still steering clear of actual honest to goodness exercise,  activity done totally for the purpose of improving my fitness level.  Why?  It scares me.  What if I fail or worse yet I become obsessive about it too.

You know what I did?  Friday I put my baby in her stroller, got the other two on bikes, and went for a walk.  A walk and no one made me.  I even had fun....ssshhhh!  I haven't just walked since I was FIRST pregnant with my sweet baby almost two years ago.  You know what else I did?  I played basketball tonight.  I was sweating and even warning my hubby that I may have to lay down in the driveway so they could do a chalk outline.  I was dying!  Guess what...I had fun and right now as I type this I feel good.

I haven't tracked my food or tried very hard for several weeks.  I truly think that I eat more when I track.  By golly if I have calories left, they're my calories, and I am going to use every last one.  I begin (here comes that word again) obsessing about everything:

• how much can eat
• when should I eat again
• how much should I eat for a given meal
• should I save calories for later in case I get hungry
• that doesn't have a lot of calories so I can eat 3x's more than I would eat normally

What all of that doesn't deal with or focus on is hunger and nutrition!  Should I be eating just because a number says I can?  Should I eat extra just because it fits within the numbers?  And truly, you can have a ton of empty calorie (non nutritious) snacks and still lose weigh, but I want to feel good too.

Do you want to guess about one more thing?  My weight was at an all new low this morning.  What strange things happen when I stop obsessing.

So I guess what I am trying to say is that I am refocusing and trying to figure out what will work for me.  I want to shift the focus back to health, fitness, and the journey of living my life with my family.  I don't want to be a bystander in my life.

Questions I'm still trying to answer:

• Do I still weigh? How often? Do I log it?
• Do I still need to count calories/points/proteins something?  Or do I pay attention to me.
• Do I get structured on exercise or wing it?
• Do I go get my head examined?? :-)

Holy post batman....thanks for making it to the end!

Check In

It amazes me how fast and busy the summer days can be. Tomorrow my sweet baby boy (he's my middle child) turns 7 years old and it seem like just yesterday he was my baby.

So... I thought that I needed to take a minute to check in and report on my progress. In my case it seems to be lack thereof. I've never really gotten totally back with it since my Grandma passed, but I don't want that to be, nor do I think that is the reason (excuse). What I've been struggling with lately is... "what's the point!"

I talked in my last post about the want it now food mentality and I really think that is one of the issues. I also think that when I start thinking about where I need to go & how far it is, I tend to get a little overwhelmed. And what originally started as a healthy lifestyle quest has turned into "just a diet"! I don't want to be on a diet, cuz isn't a diet just what someone eats... Good, bad, or other?

I will not give up though!! I neither gained or lost last week, but I think I got a bit lucky there. I'm gonna keep moving forward and I'm gonna start by buying a bike. I've got it all picked out & everything. All I can do is keep trying, and I will.

I Love...

I love Ben & Jerry's ice cream, peanut butter Twix, chips, fish crackers, rice pouches, pasta pasta pasta...

Source: doobybrain.com via Cherri on Pinterest

But I also love brussel sprouts, a fresh salad, flat bread veggie pizzas, quinoa, turkey burgers....

Source: seriouseats.com via Jerri on Pinterest

So the question is, why do I always go back to the first list? I believe that the answer is time. The first list is done & ready to consume, the second takes some effort and time. This doesn't mix well with my gotta have it NOW personality. I'm not one know for having patience.

I'm not 100% convinced that I have a solution, but I have a idea. Let's face it, all I can do is try and hope for the best. My idea will take time, one large chunk, but hopefully it'll be quick the rest of the time and pay off. I'm going to have a cook day, where I prepare a whole bunch of quick go to snacks, sides, and meals. I want to make my own "Lean Quisine" type freezer food, frozen pizzas, pre-cooked rice & quinoa pouches, and maybe go as far as granola bars & such. Then I know what is in it, how to count it, and that it is good for me.

So let the research begin! Anyone know of some sites with helpful hints, recipes, or ideas.

Underwear

One of my kids' favorite jokes is, "Hey look under there!" To which you reply, "Under where?" Then they giggle and laugh while saying, "I made you say underwear!"

This of course brings me to a much more serious issue, underwear! I hate them, but I gotta have them.

**WARNING*** TMI about to occur for some people, read on at your own risk.

Let me start by describing some of my current issues:

Silky Pretty Pair - They twist & turn and literally make my pants turn sideways. Also, they're inevitably up the cheek on one side.

Cotton Bikini - They roll! They're constantly under the belly roll and I spend my day unrolling them...literally the day!

Cotton High-Cut Brief - I don't really enjoy my underwear sticking 4ft out of the top of my pants!!

Seamless Something or Others - These were recommended to me to help alleviate the roll down issue, which they succeed at, but only at the expense of riding way up the arse. And they are not a thong.

Boy Shorts - Just wrong, that's all I have to say! I carry weight like a woman, I am NO boy!

Source: Uploaded by user via Wendie on Pinterest

See my issue? What is a girl to do? In my younger, non-fat years, I was a thong wearer and I've considered giving it another go. Couldn't possible be worse could it?

Can anyone help? Do you have issues your own? I would love to hear!

Issues of My Own Making

I'm having an issue...

I'm struggling...

I feel fat & awful...

I feel disappointed...

Why? Because I did it to myself! I made Reese's cookie bars, and I ate a LOT of them.

Why? Because I use to bake all the time and eat just one, if any at all. My sister use to wonder how I did it, now I wonder.

Will I move on? Or is this it?

I WILL move on! Because..."What is my alternative?"

Check out this great post http://skinnyemmie.com/2012/06/faq-weight-loss-motivation/ for Skinny Emmie's explanation on "What is my alternative?"

I Will Not Be Defeated

Source: cherrybam.com via Jordan on Pinterest

Goals... Maybe Not For Me?

I find myself with a bit of a dilemma. I feel like goals are not for me. This is not to say that I am content where I am at, that I am unmotivated, that I do not want to succeed. What it feels like is that I am a rebelling child, you tell me what to do and I'll do the opposite just to make you mad. It also makes me obsessed. Tell me I cannot weigh, for example, and that is all I am going to think about all week.

There are things that I want though. Ideas in my head of where I "think" I should/could be at given times in the future. How do I get there if I don't have goals?


I am obsessive/compulsive by nature, does my answer lie there? Do I trust myself & where I am headed? Do I get there when I get there? Or do I push myself? I truly do not know!