Kind of Exciting

I started this blog back in March as a way to express what goes on in my head about my weight and struggles to lose it. I thought it would help me with accountability and just venting. Now I am excited to say that I am 9 views away from 1000.  Meaning that 1000 times you were interested in something I had to say. I knew I was important, but this just confirms what I already knew!  It's safe to say I don't struggle with self esteem, huh?!?!

I just want to say THANK YOU!  This blog does help me and if only 1 person read it, I would still do it, but I am so glad that there are more of you!!

Struggles

Tomorrow is the funeral for my grandma.

The day that I feel like I can move on.

I've tried, but it's been hard.

She always wanted my mom, sister, and me to be healthy. I will be healthy!

I will not let my 1.2 lb gain detour me anymore, after all I've still lost 33.4 pounds!!!

"Good" (bad) food does not make me feel better! I've felt horrible for almost a week!

For her, for my kids, for me, for my health...

Detour

Sometimes life takes you on a detour...I've decided that is what the last few days have been. Today I think that I made my way back to the main road and I hope there are no more bumps. This is definitely a step in the right direction because in the past I would've ate like a piggy until my weigh-in tomorrow, since in my mind I've already blown it. Not this time!

Every week, every day, every meal....all choices!

Sad Days

Last night my Grandma passed... it's ok, because she had cancer and went quick & fairly painlessly.

Today I am sad!  I am sad for my Mom, my family, and even me, but not for my Grandma!  She's in a better place and probably already playing a game of cards and having a drink with...Bob Ross, Ramona, others??

And me?  I got up and ate, logged it into my food log, and took another step forward.

Good bye Grandma, I will miss you!!

Taking Back Control

This week the scale won! Don't get me wrong, I don't mean the number, I mean the control it had on my week. I did so well last week that I was sure that I would have to be spot on this week for a loss. I was NOT totally spot on, weighing at least once daily (if not more), and wondering all week how I was going to deal with my 1st gain.

Well I didn't gain!! I lost 2.2 lbs for a new total of 34.6 lbs. This makes me wonder why I cannot just trust what I am doing, the changes I am making, and the importance of what I am doing for my life! I may not have been spot on, but I was well in control and SO much better than I ever was before I started this.

Today I do two things....

1. Celebrate me and my success! Woot woot!!

2. Give the scale to my hubby when he gets home and tell him I don't want to see it until next Monday! Over and done!

Here is to another great week!

Burger and Tots

Yesterday I ate a burger and tater tots.  It was delicious and I ate it like I had never eaten before!!   Then I struggled last night with my conscience.  I don't know why though, I didn't even go over my calories for the day.  What was I so concerned about?

In the past that would have been cheating and the mind can play all sorts of tricks on a person.  Last time I dieted and had a "free day", well that was the end.  I gave up!  But not this time, this is not a diet.  This is my life.

Today I am fine. 

Disbelief and Downplaying

Once again it is weigh-in day, one of those days that I either look forward to in anticipation of a loss or want to go away because of an expected gain. I have not had a so called bad week since I've begun my journey this time, so I have been eager for Monday's to see how much farther I've gone. I'm sure at some point in time I will have a bad week, such is life, until then come on Monday's.

I did notice however, that I am a little leery of celebrating the scale. It's like I don't believe it or I'm waiting for it to throw out some outrageous number when I least expect it. Then when it tells me something great, I downplay it and don't let myself get too excited. For example, last week I lost 3.4 lbs, and the only thing I could think of is that I better be really careful for the next week.  Otherwise, I would be disappointed with the number I saw next. I was happy with the number, but holding back, like I couldn't REALLY believe it without confirmation.

This morning I got my confirmation for last week, I was down 4.2 (for a total of 32.4 lbs).  And what did I immediately think, "ooohhhh this might not be good for next week!"  Not AWESOME, woot woot, or praise God! What is with that?

I'm fairly sure I know the answer to that.   If I don't let myself get too excited then I can't be too disappointed when I fail. Now, before you get all up in my face, I know that this is STUPID! It's how I am, very guarded (non-emotional), as is the family I come from. This is something I want to change on this journey too!

I want to say "I love you" to my Mom when I leave or hug my sister and it's not just weird. That's just how it is, but not with my own little family. We hug, kiss, and say I love you, but I started that from the beginning and it's "normal". I want to share my emotions with more than my little family and not be scared to be disappointed sometimes. I start now, no more downplaying!

"I TOTALLY ROCKED IT LAST WEEK!!!!"

Short & Quick

This picture right here is success.  A turkey burger on whole wheat flat bread, salad, and asparagus.  I finished it off with a small piece of angel food cake and strawberries.  Calories in check and delicious!

Setting Yourself Up

People often talk about setting themselves up for failure, but you don't often hear about them setting themselves up for success. I think that it is easy to get lost and focus on the negatives of life, I for one am trying to teach my children to flop that process around. I feel that it is my job as their mother!

We all know the good ol standby sayings:

If you don't have anything nice to say then say nothing at all.

Think of it as the glass is half full, not empty.

Do unto others as you would like others to do unto you.

Words, while important, often get lost upon a child. Which leads me to one of the big ones; actions speak louder than words. This is something that I need to do! Not only to show those around me, but to show myself.

I've been stressing a little bit about the Mother's Day BBQ that I'm going to tomorrow, thinking that I'm gonna either blow it or not be able to eat at all. Today I decided that I am going to do neither. I'm going to set myself up for success instead! I'm bringing a couple of sides I can have and my own turkey burger. Te de, ta da and wa la!

A Change Is Gonna Come

Change.  A good thing, a bad thing???  I for one usually do not like change.  I like my routine, my expected, my guaranteed...I have anxiety (which I medicate) and that does not bode well with change.  But I am also smart, logical, and usually down from the clouds enough to know that change is gonna come!

I look forward to a changing body, wait, do I?  Honestly, I am anxious about aging, sagging skin from weight loss, cheater readers, and many more things that I have yet to experience.  Yesterday I struggled with anxiety and doom (even after taking my medicine the night before).  Most of it comes from my OCD and chaos in my life...if I could just be in charge of EVERYTHING it would all be good.  Today I am doing better, thanks to another dose of medicine last night.  Today I feel "normal" and ready to face the world and the change that comes with it.

How about if that change came soon enough to wear these ------->
This is a pile of 12 or more pairs of capris (all about the same size) that are too small for me.  When I started this journey wearing these seemed like a distant pipe dream.  When I originally tried a pair on, I couldn't even get each side of the zipper within 4" of each other.  Don't you just love the way the photo turned out?  It looks like there is an aura of goodness surrounding these capris.

Now just imagine my surprise (or just look at the photo), when I tried on that same pair the other day and zipped them.  They are NO where near public display worthy, but they were on.  I want this pile to get me through the warmer months, then be so big come fall, I won't be sad to see them go with the arrival of colder weather.  This is the kind of change that I think I can live with!!

My Appetite Is Back!

Well after two days of WAY under eating on my calories, my appetite finally came back. In fact I think my leg is hollow. I ate about 200 extra calories today, but had shorted myself over 1200 the last two days. It's amazing how being sick can really throw things off!

So just a quick post here to say that tomorrow is a new day and now I am off to bed!

Weigh Day

Just a quick post to check in and let you know how I did last week.  I was down 3.4 pounds, making my total now 28.2.  Now while this number makes me really happy, I haven't felt much like celebrating today.  My son and I both had the flu today!  It didn't really hit until today after I weighed in, so I am pretty confident that my loss is a true number.  I already plan on making sure I do well this week though, just in case.  I also need to focus on my water again this week, because I was busy last week I seemed to lose focus on it.

You Are Not My Friend

I've recently wondered if I was having issues (as in I feel like I may puke and die) when I eat eggs and today I believe I have confirmed it.  I had two eggs for breakfast and have felt awful all day.

I had a similar thing happen the last time I lost a substantial amount of weight, but it was avocados.  It makes me feel like I have the cold sweats, burps, and a general I am going to be sick feeling.  I think it is my gallbladder, but why when I am losing and getting healthy and not when I was just eating crap? Any ideas, anyone??

I really like them both, but they are not my friends anymore!!

More Randomness

I woke up today really mad at myself and disappointed.  Then I realized that it was all just a dream.  I had dreamt that I was having the "I don't really care, what's the point, it's just one meal" attitude.  It seemed so real!  When I took a step back I realized that I was having these thoughts for real a lot this week.  I didn't act upon them and I have eaten the correct amount of calories all week, but I have pushed it to the utmost limit.

The problem could be that I have been extremely busy this week.  I've got stuff going on personally with family and have tried to make time to help and do what I can.  I've also been volunteering at my kid's school for a fun walk on Friday and a big meet the teacher sort of  carnival bash tonight.  All this on top of the normal things I do and my big craft room redo/reorganization.  I've been allowing myself to get too hungry in between meals.  That is when those thoughts creep into my head and I have to watch myself really closely until I get some food into me.  I've made it so far, but maybe my subconscious is telling me that I need to check it out a bit closer before it goes too far.

I think I need to take some time next week to focus on me and my journey.  To remind myself that I can live my life right now how I want it to be in the future.  I may not be as fit as I want or weigh what I want to right now, but I will be there someday if I live today like I already am. 

Do what you always do and get what you always got...NO MORE!!

When I Was A Child

My parents told me… That if I was going to do something then I should do it right the first time.  I think that is why I'm a bit OCD and if I don't think I can do something at 100% I don't try.  I'm sure now that what they meant was just give it my all. I am trying to learn as I "grow up"that it's ok, if my all is only 50% at least I could be 50% smaller than I am now. :)

I wanted to grow up to be a… spoiled rotten princess.  I came close!

I refused to eat… meat.  I really didn't learn to enjoy the deliciousness of meat until after my 1st daughter was born.

My favorite thing to do outside was… probably ride my bike, however, if it was hot outside you would find me inside.

I broke my… nothing!  I waited until I was 32 to break my ankle.

I liked to wear… really, really large earrings.  At the time I also had three holes in each ear and things could get a bit obnoxious.  School pictures are very entertaining to look at.

My parents always… bowled.  Several times a week and they were good.  I might be sorta good myself, but who's bragging.

I thought that Santa was… old.  We sat on his lap every year at the Karcher Mall.  It was the same one every year and he even had a real beard. 

My favorite cartoon was… Captain Caveman and Scooby Doo

I was the… smart, good girl.  I only hope that my kids are like I was, then I won't have much to worry about.

I got in trouble when… I really don't remember getting in trouble much.  Remember the last one....I was the good girl.

My bedroom was… wallpapered with shopping sacks and Mylar balloons.  I use to have a collection of sacks from everywhere.  I must admit I just recently (within the last month) finally threw away the box of them.

My favorite food was… pasta!!  It still is too, which makes it hard to lose weight.

My parents always made me… clean my room after school every day.  I was really good at putting things in my closet and nightstand drawers.  I might have even broke my closet doors.

My first crush was… on Jeff Kendall in 4th grade.  He even came to my birthday party.

My favorite toy was… a little yellow school bus that opened up and had little people inside.  I also use to sit on it and ride it around the house.

I thought school was… boring and a lot of drama.  I am now dealing with the drama of a daughter in 5th grade.

My biggest fear was… thunderstorms, I hated them with a passion!!  Now I love them and think they are cool.  I was also afraid to stay the night away from my parents for what seemed like forever.

My favorite story was… I didn't like to read back then and was too busy doing other things to have a favorite story.

My favorite memories… Going to look at Christmas lights with my entire family in an old car every year.  Spending time at the cabin in McCall.  The Hagen's house and all their cool board games.  My Grandma Marian and my Mom running all the time and my Grandpa taking videos of all those runs.

This was a fun little post to do and to share a little about me with you.  I cannot remember who's blog I saw this on first and got the idea, but I have seen it on several and it is always fun to read.  I hope you enjoyed.