More Randomness

Pain seems to bring with it some sort of a sense of failure, hopelessness, defeat.

I feel like I've been on a never ending detour from where I originally planned on going. Yet I don't seem to be able to stop.

Bargaining and deal making with myself has begun again, just in order to justify my so called "bad" eating behavior. Tomorrow I will weigh, tomorrow I will begin again. Nonsense!

The one thing that I felt was going right, the C25K training, feels like it's being taken away and I'm failing there too. I know there is more out there, something that might be a better fit, but I'm hung up on this.

The desire to say screw it conflicts heavily with the disgust I feel when I see my before pictures. I can say with absolutes certainty that I NEVER want to go back there, but my actions say otherwise.

Doritos, Reese's Pieces, Costco muffins, nachos....they're speaking to me, calling me!

My favorite part of dinner last night??? The delicious, fresh, wonderful salad. Why do I describe it as such? Is it because all I've been consuming is processed, salty, crap?

My body is telling me it wants to move, I feel it. It's telling me it desires whole yummy goodness. Why am I stifling, gagging, stuffing it quiet with shit?

These are the things that are going on, not always pretty stuff. I will figure this all out. I will not quit trying!! Just needed to get it out, see it all written down, so maybe I can start tackling the things bouncing around in there.




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Ouchy

I'm loving this running thing, C25K, but I'm very worried it doesn't like me. I've made a lot of excuses in my day but I'm afraid I might finally have a real one. My knee is KILLING me. With every run it's gotten worse. I really want to continue, however I don't want to make it worse or do more harm.

Do I push through?

Do I wait for the pain to subside?

Do I switch to the elliptical for a while?

I know what I want to do... continue. But is that the best choice when it hurts right now to simply walk? When I'm eating Advil like candy.



Am I there? Does anyone have any advice or suggestions? Has anyone been here before?




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Every Excuse In the Book and A Proud Moment

Today looked a little something like this....



The wind was blowing so hard it made me look like this....



But I was afraid it would look like this...



Even with all these excuses I did this....

@WendieHaynes: Just finished week 2 day 1 of #C25K with @c25kfree! Running for a cause with @BCRFcure!

It even felt good!



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A Little Mojo of My Own

This is how awesome you could look too. All you have to do is C25K Week 1 Day 3 all by yourself. I'm a bit proud and can tell already I've gotten quicker. Now if my jello legs would go away that'd be great.

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My Goals For This Week

So I've decided to write down my goals for this week in an effort to see if it gives me a bit of direction. I walk a fine line here because anything too "restrictive" or "unattainable" causes me to rebel like a spoiled child.

This week I:

~ will continue with the C25K training. My hubby has been leaving me in the dust doing this with me and he's going to be out of town this week, so I will have to work to motivate myself.

~ will rid my system of all the refined sugars and carbs I seem to have been consuming lately. Back to the healthy whole foods that have gotten me this far.

~ will cook for myself and my family instead of relying on dining out. Good bye high sodium counts.

~ will try to balance my coffee intake with a little more water. Ok A LOT more!

~ will get more sleep. This will probably be the hardest one because I don't sleep well when my hubby is gone.




I'm really hoping that a great week being on track can jump start the next steps to my journey!!




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Num

Week 1 day 2 c25k....
Felt better, did better picking up my feet, but need to get a better at the self portrait angle. Oh and I may or may not have snacked on a bug or two....num!




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I'm Dying Here

This is what I look like after Week 1 Day 1 C25K. What you cannot see here that I'm pretty sure I'm dying and my legs are like jello. Know what else? I can't wait to go again!!



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Crossroads

This represents how I've been feeling as of late. I am positive that I do not want to go back to the past, seem to be floundering here in the present, and dream about the future.

I can honestly say that I have been falling willingly victim to major diet cliches.... I've already blown it today so what's the point? I'll start again tomorrow! It's not that bad, I've made worse choices. Ooohhhh I didn't gain as much as I expected, free license. I've still lost 95 pounds, can't knock that.

I question myself constantly. What happened to my quest for health, not weight loss. When did it become about the numbers, not the nutrition and health.

Right now I can only say one thing... I am not throwing in the towel. I will not give up.



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