Wednesday, December 19, 2012

I Never and Other Reflections

I'm sitting on my couch relaxing while the baby is asleep and waiting to go pick up my other two from school.  I'm freezing, covered with a blanket, catching up on reading blogs.  I've also been thinking a lot, reflecting on the last year and the saying "never say never".

In the not so distant past I would have said....

I'll never lose close to 100 pounds in 2012.  It's just not possible, too insurmountable, to far from anything I can even comprehend.  I'm a lifetime dieter and the most I've ever lost was 85 pounds, so you see, not going to happen.  But it has and it will.  As of yesterday I am down 97 pounds.  Crazy and still incomprehensible.  All I can say is one moment at a time over the course of a year has become more than I could have ever have imagined.  So here's to all my moments to come!

I'm never cold.  I'm always hot.  I never wear sock, only flip-flops.  Two Christmases ago I was 7 months pregnant and roasting.  Last Christmas I was fatter than I was at 7 months pregnant and still roasting.  Any gathering would lead to flushed cheeks, fanning, and wishing I'd worn a short sleeved shirt.  This year I sit here in my fuzzy socks, jeans, shirt and sweatshirt, covered with a fleece blanket and still freezing.  Proof that fat is a great insulator.  Too bad I didn't live in the arctic.

I'm grateful today for many, MANY things.  Better health (even in the midst of the crud I currently have), my family and friends, this my 100th post, support, love, silliness, the sunshine and clouds (but truly it needs to patience is waning), the good and the bad, EVERYTHING!

I pray for another great year, day, moment.....

Wednesday, December 12, 2012

I Don't Want To Forget

I was lying in bed the other night and it just hit me like a ton of bricks, I don't want to forget being fat.  It is something that I want to leave behind for good and never look back, but I DO.NOT.WANT.TO.EVER.FORGET!  I'm worried I will.

You see when I think about anything from the past all I really remember are the good times.  Sure I can tell you stories of bad or painful things, for example having my last two kids turned while still in my stomach.  I know it hurt, I was there, but it is not something I think about or even really remember the exact feelings of.  I also know that when my husband and I were divorced I was sad and lonely, but I never think about it or remember specific feelings.  I just remember other things, usually the ones that make me smile. Things like how my oldest daughter use to say the word tiger or my son said French fry, I can actually still hear it in my head.

When I think about my life I KNOW beyond a shadow of a doubt that I have been truly blessed.  I've been through things that have made me cry, scream, and even crawl under the table...but that's not what I remember.  If I'm mad today, chances are a good nights sleep is all I need for it to be over.  I'm not sure I can even tell you what a grudge is, other than what the dictionary tells me.

As I've unpacked boxes of smaller clothes and sorted through them I've been hit with feelings of overwhelming happiness.  Not entirely due to the fact that they're smaller and fit, but from the memories they evoke from when I wore them last.  I can see the past smiling back at me reminding me how lovely it was.  I can even FEEL physical reactions within.  Somewhere deep in my mind something says, you know it wasn't all rosy, but I'll be damned if I can remember.

I guess what I want to know is if this is normal?  Am I alone here or possibly just in denial?  Or have I just been blessed with a very special gift, to be able to let go.

This is something I am thankful for, but it scares me when it comes to my weight loss.  I'm scared that I'll get to where I want to go and because I won't remember, the weight will come back.  I feel like I'm already starting to forget sometimes.  I don't want to forget being uncomfortable, unable to fit in chairs, unhappy with my physical self.  I don't want forget feeling hopeless when shopping because I was unable to buy bigger clothes, I already wore the largest size they sold. I want to remember weighing 369 pounds, because I don't ever want to be there or even here again.

My first major weight loss goal was to lose 100 pounds. As I near this mark (less than 9 lbs to go) I find myself thinking a lot about what my next move is going to be.  I don't know if its just the season, but I feel a little bit lax in my efforts lately.  The scale is still moving in the right direction, (I updated my ticker total at the bottom since I'm too lazy to see where I was when I last weighed-in) so I am not being too hard on myself.  However, I'm ready to charge ahead and my next move is bouncing around somewhere in this head of mine.